Easy as A B…um

     Why, what do you know?  It’s Monday again!  Let joy be unconfined at the return of the week as well as another Old Joke Quiz!  (Look, get some of that leftover egg nog from the weekend and put it in your morning coffee.  Maybe that will help unconfine your joy.)  This set of jokes deals with people whose I.Q. is so low, they can’t even SPELL I.Q.  We all have moments like this, of course.  If you take those moments and make jokes of them, attributing them to your second cousin Bronk, you might have a career in comedy coming.

J1.”Where were you born?”

“Wisconsin.”

“What part?”

“(          )”

     J2.”What’s todays date?”

     “I’m not sure.  Why not check that newspaper you’ve got?”

     “That won’t help.  (          )”

J3.”My sister tried one of those cosmetic mudpacks on her face.”

“Did it make her more beautiful.”

“For a while.  (         )”

     J4.”What time is it?”

     “I don’t know.  What does your watch say?”

     “It (         )”

J5.The captain rushed to the communications room.  “:”If those reinforcements don’t arrive soon, we’re lost!  Any messages from Headquarters?”

     “Not yet, sir,” the radio operator said.  But just then, a signal came through in Morse code: dit dit dit dit dah dah dit dah dah dah dit dit dah dit dit dit dit dit dit dit

     “Did you get that?” said the captain.  “What’s it say.”

     “Got it, sir.  It says (          )”

J6.”It takes three sheep to make one sweater.”

“Wow!  (          )”

     J7.”Weird.  You’re wearing one red sock and one green sock.”

     “You know what’s weirder?  (          )”

J8.”Is the diamond in your ting real?”

“If it isn’t, (         )”

     J9.”This baby is your fourth child, isn’t she?”

     “Yes, and my last.”

     “Really?”

     “I don’t dare have another.  (          )”

J10.”Did you hear Carmen had twins?”

“Yes.  Isn’t it wonderful?”

“And they say that happens only once every six hundred births.”

“My goodness!  (          )”

     J11.My sister started walking when she was only nine months old.”

     “Wow!  She must be (          ).”

J12.”Do you like Kipling?”

“I don’t know.  (          )”

     J13.”Why are you writing so slowly?”

     “(          )”

J14.”Why are you writing so quickly?”

“(          )”

     If you are reading this blog, I know you have a very high I.Q., so you probably already know all these ANSWERS.

A1.All of me.

A2.It’s yesterday’s paper.

A3.Then it fell off.

A4.doesn’t say anything.  You have to look at it

A5. dit dit dit dit dah dah dit dah dah dah dit dit dah dit dit dit dit dit dit dit

A6.They can teach animals to do anything these days!

A7.I have another pair at home just like these.

A8.I’ve been cheated out of fifteen cents

A9.I read that every fifth child born nowadays is Chinese

A10.When does she have time for housework?

A11.tired

A12.I’ve never kippled.

A13.I’m writing to my brother and he can’t read very fast

A14.I’m trying to finish this letter before I run out of ink

Heaping Helping

     In our last thrilling episode, we continued out discussion of Round People by considering Round People in Love.  Because we are avoiding the whole catchphrase “Nobody loves a Fat Man” and its descendants, this quickly turned into a discussion of the Round Woman and Love.  We saw a number of postcards which suggested that a Round Woman and a Round Man could live happily ever after, the subtext being that no one else was likely to want either of them.

     And yet…maybe I should pause for a warning label here.  The concept is controversial, and you will see glimpses of it in every generation and every phase of fashion.  Whatever is in fashion is natural and understandable, and all old styles are now exposed as utterly baffling and laughable.  In my high school days, one of my classmates was snickering at the yearbook pictures of young men with crewcuts, and was told by an older person that this is the sort of thing everyone says about other generations.

     The older person was informed, “Oh, people won’t laugh like this at long hair.”  (I should mention that my high school days were at an awkward time when everyone—men and women alike—seemed to be trying to look like Cher.)  The Older Person snickered a little to himself.

     I’m not taking up generational questions here.  I wish to state that there is always a significant proportion of the population that likes what it likes, whether that is in fashion or not.  The insistence in fashion for a straight silhouette, starting somewhere around the days of the hobble skirt, was rejected by some folks, and certainly by some cartoonists who expressed their opinions on postcards.  In fact, in the 1930s, when the Flapper look with minimal curves began to fade, there were those who celebrated the change.

     Note here, for example, that the object of the discussion is not someone who would fit the long, straight lines of Flapper fashion.

     We must not ignore the contribution of Walter Wellman, the postcard artist whose work stretched from his high-pompadoured Edwardian ladies around 1909 through the World War II era.  Once he decided styles had changed, he embraced, and even promoted, a much curvier figure than even the fashion of the 1930s encouraged.

     The 1849s made up a decade of austerity, and slim, severe figures were once again in fashion.  (There has been a lot of research on why the focus of pinups during World War II was long legs; I’ll let you look that up yourself.)  But the followers of Walter Wellman refused to give up the ladies with wide curves.

     Men on postcards sang out the wonders of having a girlfriend triple their own size.  (This particular caption can be found on numerous postcards with different couples.  It was either a case of mass theft or this was a slogan/catchphrase I just haven’t been able to trace yet.)

     I am sorry to report that, in discussing this matter with random acquaintances, I have had some resistance.  “Of course they were glad to have fat girlfriends,” someone informed me.  “Obese chicks are easy because they’re so desperate.”

     And yet the Round Women on postcards don’t seem all THAT anxious.  They are not prepared to fall for men just because the night is clear and the moon is yellow. 

     Which is not the way they would behave if they were desperate for any kind of appreciation.

     The Round Woman is just as leery as any other woman about the date who is too forward.  They may be large, but this does not mean their self-respect is tiny.  (“Obese chicks” indeed.)

     What it comes down to, I think, is that we cannot predict what will appeal to any human being, when it comes to romance.

     And size and shape are no bars to a conventional happy ending.  (Although with any luck, your honeymoon trip will not be planned by a postcard cartoonist.)

Round and Round

     About an eon and a half ago, there was a one woman show in Chicago in which a plumpish wallflower mused on a romantic misadventure with a man who was leading her on just to make her look ridiculous.  I am afraid I have forgotten the name of the actress AND the play, as well as, fortunately, the name of the reviewer who absolutely trashed the play for having an unbelievable premise.  Since no obese woman could  be considered attractive, even by herself, the play was absurd from its very outset.

     I hope the actress went on to great success and I hope the critic has grown older and wiser, and has gained at least eighty pounds.  In any case, as we have studied the phenomenon of Round People on postcards, we have had hints that our ancestors did NOT automatically exempt fat folk from romance.  Why, they seem to have felt, should the pleasures of the flesh be denied those who had so much of it?

     We will primarily consider postcards featuring Round Women, as men seem to have gotten involved in a catchphrase of the day which I haven’t quite been able to extract from history.  The “Nobody loves a Fat Man” gag is a bit shadowy, despite the massive number of cards issued to prove or disprove the assertion.

     The slender woman and the postcard came into fashion at roughly the same time, as the hobble skirt trimmed down the ideal figure.  Yet even in the Forties, there was an appreciation of women who did not fit the pattern.

     This young lady’s hat pretty much tells the story here and, by the way, I hope you don’t think she’s writing to her father.  (If you don’t know what a “sugar daddy” is, you have been culturally deprived.)

     This farmer seems to be pleased by this summer’s crop of tourists.

     And this young lady, if you can read the shipping labels on her trunk, has been around, as she notes.

     But perhaps this is all a hoax.  Perhaps the lady above is so large simply so the artist can put more jokes on her labels, and perhaps that size is merely something for us to laugh at.  After all, the picture of two Round People in love strikes some artists as hilarious.

     If you toss in a line about flying, you make it even more ridiculous, of course.  (Hey, see what’s in the sky?  Blimps were flying more than airplanes were at that point in history.  What’s the big fat joke?  Let me rephrase that.) 

     And yet, there are plenty of cards to suggest that even if it is funny, the people involved are enjoying the joke, as well as enjoying their round lives.

     I know there are people out there who regard such figures, and such ways of life with loathing, and yet, should we argue with happiness?

     And there are dozens of variations on this gag, which is  meant to represent the people who bought and mailed the postcard.  At the very least, this suggests that the Round Figure could be laughed with, and not just at.

     The vacations of Round People were just as open to romantic adventure (expensive though that might be) as those of people with slimmer physiques.

     Perhaps the message here is that the state of your mind is more important to your joie de vivre than the state of your body.  Or perhaps that’s all part of the joke: that Round People don’t realize how awful they are.  They can only really attract each other and that’s….

     But just you wait until Friday’s blog.

When in Doubt, Pun

 Listen, I know it’s Monday, but even I am appalled by this chapter in my quizbook of old jokes.  I had forgotten I had stooped this low.  Of course, how old a pun may be is irrelevant, since the audience is SUPPOSED to groan.  But if we all stand together and hold hands, we can get through this.  Would you like to sing Kum-Ba-Ya while we’re doing it.  Sing loud enough, and we might not hear the jokes.

     J1.The jester claimed he could make a joke on any subject.  “I dare you to make a joke about the King!” said Sir Reptitious.

     “Bah!” said the jester, “(          )”

2.Sir Reptitious was out questing on a cold and snowy night, and rode up to the front door of an inn.  “I require a room,” he told the innkeeper.  “I can ride no farther.”

     “Sorry, sir,” said the innkeeper.  “We’re full up.”

     “:O don’t require much space,” said Sir Reptitious.  “Just a corner for me and my dog.”

     “We have….”  The innkeeper frowned.  “Your dog?”

     Sir Reptitious dismounted, and it could be clearly seen that he had ridden through the snow on an Old English Sheepdog, its fur matted with the snow and rain.

     The innkeeper sighed.  “Very well, sir.  I can find you something.  I wouldn’t (          ).”

J3.”I’m writing an ode to a Grecian urn.”

“What’s a Grecian urn?”

“Oh, (          )”

    J4.The Great Flood was over, and Noah was walking through the ark one last time, to see if anybody had left behind any towels or something.  He found a pair of snakes coiled up in a corner of the third deck.  “What are you doing here?” he demanded.  “Didn’t you hear the command to go forth and multiply?”

     “Oh, yes, Father Noah,” they said.  “But we can’t do that.  We’re (          )”

J5.Pat and Mike, walking along the street. Stopped in front of the opulent display of jewelry at Tiffany’s.  “Oh,” said Mike, “Wouldn’t you like to just have your pick?”

     “That I wouldn’t,” said Pat.  “I’d rather (          )”

J6.”You are accused of engaging in illegal gambling after hours in the gentleman’s club.  How do you plead?”

     “Not guilty, Your Honor.  I am a locksmith, and I was there working, not gambling.”

     “:Indeed!  And what would you have been doing there at 3 A.M., when the police raided the club?”

     “I was (          )”

J7.”Mommy,” said the baby ear of corn, “Where did I come from?”

     “You know that,” she said, “(          )”

J8.”It’s raining cats and dogs, isn’t it?”

“It sure is.  I just (          )”

     J9.”What do you make these boots out of?”

     “Hide.”

     “Why should I?”

     “No, I said ‘Hide”.”

     “Where?  Why?”

     “No!  Hide!  Hide!  The cow’s outside!”

     “Well, heck. (          )”

J10.”I heard a noise in the kitchen last night, and got my shotgun.  I crept downstairs and just as I got to the kitchen, this huge rat ran from under the stove.”

     “Did you shoot him?”

     “Couldn’t.  (          )”

Though we have suffered for the knowledge, at last we have all the ANSWERS.

A1.The King is not a subject

A2.put a knight out on a dog like this.

A3.About a buck and a half an hour

A4.We’re adders.

A5.have my shovel.

A6.making a bolt for the door.

A7.The stalk brought you.

A8.stepped in a poodle.

A9.Who’s afraid of a cow?

A10.He was out of my range.

Round Roast

     The whole history of Round People in culture is beyond the scope of this blog.  Fashion has been fashion and social life has been social life for eons.  For centuries, the poor were thin and the rich were fat, and once over-the-counter medicine became big business, some of the most popular nostrums sold were those to bulk you up and give you that rounder figure people appreciated.  John D. Rockefeller, Jr. was a favorite of cartoonists, for example, because he was one of the very few skinny tycoons of his age.  He was an eccentric for not growing a figure like that of J.P. Morgan, or, more popularly, Diamond Jim Brady.  (Until recently, a restaurant in Chicago still advertised the Diamond Jim cut of prime rib, a single serving weighing about four pounds.)

     This could be one reason that so many postcards I have seen, while poking fun at Round People, nonetheless imply that the plump model is in on the joke.  Cartoon men and women look out at us from the postcards with a smile, as if saying, “Yeah, I’m fat.  Ain’t life grand?”

     But leave us not ignore facts.  There are more pointed jokes aimed at the round and tempting portions of the Round Person’s anatomy.  Take the mournful lover above.  He is concentrating on his complex wooing, and we are laughing at how long it will take him to waste away for love.

     The rump as billboard was a popular way of drawing attention to the size of that derriere.  This is just one of a dozen different designs which swipe the ad slogan of ivory Soap and print it across the backside of a bathing suit.

     And we devoted a whole column to the variations on big butt humor, especially the “I’m All Ears” gag.

     Another gag with dozens of variations is the vacationer (or vacationers, in extreme cases) finding shade on a sunny beach, thanks to an unknowing Round Person.

     As for the accidental exposure and the cheerful onlooker, that exists on scads of postcards.

     What I have seen, though, is that in the majority of postcards where the Round Person is the butt (ahem) of the joke, that person is there because when it comes to slapstick, things just seem funnier when happening to someone who comes XXXL.  It would have been funny if a thinner soul was involved, but whose underdrawers are funniest attached to a barbed wire fence?  Ms. Roundperson’s.  (The barbed wire fence was a boon to cartoonists and slapstick moviemakers, as well as to the makers of party films, where the hapless city girl gets caught on the fence and MUST remove every stitch she has on just to get away.  But the plots of naughty movies—as predictable in their own way as hallmark Christmas flicks—are something for a whole nother blog.)

     Another joy of the cartoonist (and the naughty moviemaker) was the Come As You Are Party, which mandated that the recipient of the invitation had to set off for the party at once, without makeup, without party clothes, or without important parts of one’s wardrobe.  This was judged funny at any time, but if it involved a Round person, the laughter rolled large.

     That last one sort of violated our basic premise, that the Round Person be clueless about the joke, like this lady.  The doctor gets it, and WE get it, but she is oblivious to the joke.

     As for all of those Round Women who seem to dive off diving boards or fall from the clouds at the wrong moment for a cheerful vacationer, those are legion.  Obviously, if you’re going to laugh at a diving mishap like this, the size of the people involved is irrelevant.  But it IS funnier where large abdomens can add to the bounce.

     By the way, the Round Woman is not herself immune to such airborne surprises.

     The adventure of the woman and the random mouse, much more alarming in the day when skirts were long and might invite a rodent to take shelter in the folds, survived to become a staple for the postcard cartoonist (and, again, the naughty filmmaker).  This joke would not have been the same had her skirts been longer…or her figure less generous.

     It was apparently a basic principle that a funny joke could be made funnier (or a so-so joke at least funny) if the person involved was a Round Person.

     (Coming soon: Round Romance)

Round and Round

     I have nearly as many postcards featuring Round People as I have about fishing, but I took the Thanksgiving weekend off from telling you about them, feeling that none of us would feel like chatting about such things when we were stuffed with stuffing.  (Those of you who had tofu and greens probably found other things to do while we were napping.  That’s okay.)

     It must be admitted that not ALL postcards are as accepting of Round People.  During the first Golden Age of postcards, before the First World War, it was a very unpleasant insult to tell someone they were too thin, but that began to slip away during the era of the hobble skirt, while the 1920s, which besides bobbed hair and rolled stockings also featured cosmetic mastectomies and the Boyishform Bra, put an end to it for the next century. 

     We mentioned earlier that certain people frequently turn up rather round in postcard cartoons: janitors, cleaning ladies, wives.  (Mothers-in-law came in two basic types, the large round battle-axe and the prim, scrawny battle-axe.)  But there are other types of people we were intended to laugh at instead of with.

     Carrying over from the nineteenth century was the perception that rich people, who could afford lots of food, were invariably fat

     It is true that this would change to rich people who could afford to pick and choose their food or could hire a personal trainer or could afford to check into health spas to lose weight.  But Round People were funnier, especially, as noted last week, when in swimming attire.

     The Old Maid was in the same category as the Mother-in-law: about half of this were spindly and tall.  But the Round Woman was a great source of fun, especially if shown embracing a hapless male who was overwhelmed by the amount of passion thrown at him.

     Some artists did rebel against this, led by Walter Wellman, who was wholeheartedly in support of the Thirties nod to larger women.  But that’s a whole nother blog.  A cartoonist in need of a quick cartoon could be sure of a sale with a Round Woman and an Outmatched Boyfriend.

     And, as always, the Old Maid was a lot funnier when she dressed up for the beach.

     Another character lumped in with the Old Maid and the Mother-in-law was the Aging Person.  As we get older, apparently, we must lose all desirability and become either tall and thin or short and round.  One or two cartoonists noted this phenomenon in their Round People cartoons.

     One or two could not avoid alluding to the fact that even Aging Round People might have…well, perhaps in that nother blog one day.

     Yes, by the way, Round Aging People are not all female.  (No, look PAST the ladies on the shore.  Yes, Round People do tend to flock together.)

     This artist, on one of the newest postcards in this blog, puts it all pretty succinctly about Aging People and Round People.  AND, of course, he puts ‘em in swimwear.

Wise Guys

     So it is the Monday after a four-day weekend, and some of us still imagine the world will go easy on us.  To help prepare you for the opposite, this is a chapter from my quiz book of old jokes called “Gotcha”, a series of tales where a wit outwits a halfwit.  You may use these in real life, if you like, but remember to duck.

     J1.”I have a new invention which allows me to see through walls.”

     “Wow!  What do you call it?”

     “(          )”

J2.”What a day! I hope this rain keeps up.”

“Why?”

“So (          ).”

     J3.Rosemary answered the phone to hear a voice ask, “Is Rudolph home?”

     “You must have a wrong number,” she replied.  “There is no Rudolph here.”

     A few minutes later, the phone rang again, and someone asked, “Hey, is Rudolph there?”

     “There is no Rudolph here,” she said.  “Wrong number.”

     She had barely hung up when the phone rang again.  “Hey, call Rudolph to the phone, would you?” said the voice on the other end.

     “There’s no Rudolph at this number!” she snapped.  She was breathing deeply, trying to get her temper under control when the phone rang again.

     “Yes?” she demanded.

     “Hi!  (          ).”

J4.”I fell over a hundred feet today.”

“Were you on a cliff?”

“No.  (          ).”

     J5.”I just read a fascinating study about baldness.  It seems that those who get bald at the front of the head first are great thinkers, while those whose baldness develops at the back are great lovers.”

     “Well, what about those of us who are bald both places?”

     “You (          )”

J6.”Why are they building such a big fence around the cemetery?”

“(          )”

     J7.”I don’t see how you can tell those horrible jokes all the time.”

     “Well, that’s just my eccentricity.  We all have eccentric habits.”

     “I don’t.”

     “Oh, yeah?  Do you put milk in your coffee?”

     “I do.  But that’s not eccentric.”

     “Do you stir it with your left hand or your right hand?”

     “My right hand.”

     “Well, there’s your eccentricity.  (          )”

J8.”These three Irishmen walk into a bar….”

“I don’t listen to ethnic jokes.”

“Well, I can tell this one because my own grandfather was Irish.”

“Oh, really?”

“No.  (          )”

     J9.”What a holiday weekend!  I haven’t slept for days!”

     “You must be tired.”

     “No.  (          )”

     The folks featured above may have all the ANSWERS, but in case you didn’t, here they are.

     A1.A window

     A2.it doesn’t come down.

     A3.This is Rudolph.  Any messages for me?

     A4.On a bus.

     A5.Think about making love

     A6.People are dying to get in.

     A7.Most folks use a spoon.

     A8.O’Reilly

     A9.I sleep nights.

Beach View

     It may still weigh on your mind what a huge territory we chose to cover in Friday’s blog, dedicated to postcards which told how a vacation might tend to broaden one’s knowledge, one’s experience, and, especially, one’s waistline.  It is such a large field for study that we skipped all the postcards that used “broaden” that way, since we had covered that in a whole nother blog.

     And if you feel we were a bit too narrow in our focus on Friday, you would be correct.  I was omitting a vast part of the category: Round People in Swimming Attire.\     The beach is a natural target for those who want to get away from it all and enjoy the great outdoors.  (For myself, I have fantasized more about resorts above the snowline, where the weather may threaten at any time, and make us all stay indoors, where I can read a book and let the great outdoors go on without me.  If the good God had intended me to spend time at the beach, he would not have draped me in a pelt which starts to blister after an hour or so of direct sunlight.  I wonder sometimes if my ancestors covered up what part of middle Europe they came from to conceal some vampire strain in our family tree.  By the way, do you think vampires go to the beach?  With enough sunblock?  Modern tech…where were we?)

     There is an interesting clash between many of the postcards of the middle of the last century and prevailing culture today.  Our ancestors DID admit that one might outgrow last year’s bathing costume.

     They admitted too that some people might feel it necessary to combat the expanse of the vacation waistline.  (Beach calisthenics were a popular attraction for decades, popular both a among participants and spectators.)

     But far more common are postcards featuring ladies and gentlemen who just didn’t see, to notice they were now the large, economy size package.

     And even more common than that are the cards featuring those who were in on the joke.  “Yeah, look at me: I’m big” was the message.

     You’re on vacation, after all, among a lot of other people you may never see again.  So why worry?  (“I just don’t care when I’m on holiday” was a common refrain.)

     These are people who are comfortable in their own skin, though they admit there’s plenty of it.

     Even in the bathing costumes of the 1930s, there wasn’t much scope for hiding how one was put together, so you could either enjoy it or stay indoors.

     If you thought people would laugh, hit them with a pre-emptive strike.

     There are advantages, after all, to possessing a certain measure of adipose tissue.

     And since they had established in popular culture (as exposed in Friday’s illustrations) that people tend to build themselves up on their healthy holidays, you can always blame it on your time at the beach.

     We will study the triple meaning of “broad” in some other blog, but some people actually found an extra pound here or there (especially here.  And THERE) rather fetching.

     And if you’ve got it, flaunt it.

     In the end (sorry), one has to admit that, no matter how embarrassing you are by going out in public in that bathing suit,

     You’d be in far more danger of embarrassment without it.

Raspberry Sauce

    It is the Monday approaching Thanksgiving, so the old jokes in this quiz have a food theme.  These are from my chapter on raspberries: the insults, the slams, the critical responses which are so old that you will certainly not have to look at the answers to know how they come out.  If you have received more of these than you have handed out, you are officially a Good Person (even if you’re not good at anything else.)

     J1.”I like your singing except for two things.”

     “What?”

     “(          )”

J2.”I just can’t help breaking into song.”

“(          )”

     J3.”How did you enjoy my violin solo?”

     “Frankly, (          )”

J4.”You are a marvelous dancer.”

“I wish I could say the same for you.”

“You could (          )”

     J5.”That’s a very difficult piece she’s playing.”

     “Difficult?  (          )”

J6.The high school choir launched into “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” and a man in the front row began to weep.  The woman sitting next to him said, “Are you an Irishman?”

     “No,” he said, “(          )”

J7.”How did you like my last movie?”

“It’s great, if (          )”

     J8.”I heard you gave a speech at the club last night.  What was it about?”

     “Oh, nothing.”

     “(          )”

J9.”I’m my own worst enemy.”

“(          )”

     J10.”My ancestors came to this country on the Mayflower.”

     “That’s good.  (          )”

J11.”My father fought with Patton in Sicily, my grandfather fought with Pershing in France, his father fought with Roosevelt in Cuba, and his father fought with Sherman in Georgia.”

     “Goodness, that’s amazing!  (          )”

J12.”Yes, I’m a self-made man.”

“Well, (          )”

     J13.”What weather!  I’m chilled to the bone!”

     “So (          )”

J14.”Whenever I’m down in the dumps, I get myself a new dress.”

“(          )”

     J15.Evangeline slept late on garbage day, and realized, as she heard the truck rumble up the street, that she hadn’t put her garbage at the curb for pickup.  She threw on a bathrobe, grabbed the bag out of the kitchen, and ran to shout, “Am I too late for the garbage?”

     “No,,” said the garbageman, “(          )”

J16.”Sometimes I think changing jobs might be the answer and other times I think I should stick with what I have.  What would you do if you were in my shoes?”

     “(          )”

J17.”Excuse me, officer, I’m frightened by all this traffic.  Could you see me across the street?”

“Lady, (          )”

            After all that, I doubt you have questions, but in any case, I have ANSWERS.

A1.<y ears

A2.You wouldn’t have to break in if you had the right key.

A3.Those strings sounded better in the cat.

A4.if you were as big a liar as I am.

A5.I wish it were impossible

A6.A music lover

A7.you promise it IS your last movie

A8.I assumed that, but how did you express it this time?

A9.Not while I’m around

A10.Immigration laws are much stricter now

A11.Couldn’t your family get along with anybody?

A12.that relieves God of a lot of responsibility

A13.put on a hat

A14.We all wondered where you got them

A15.Hop up on the truck

A16.Polish them.

A17.I could see you from a mile away.

Vacation Coming Round

     We have addressed some of the themes which were huge hits in the days when we sent postcards instead of texts: fishing, outhouses, clotheslines, and street sweepers, but we have been ignoring the eight hundred pound….let’s try that over.  We have not indicated the fun our ancestors found in Round People, or Fat Folk.

     We have touched on this here and there.  Some people in postcard jokes incline toward XXXL clothing: people who say travel is broadening, adults about to get swatted on the backside (on the principle that the joke is funnier, the larger the target), a lot of women who sit at one end of the canoe…while wives and cleaning staff (male or female) have a tendency to have developed in round ways.

     But there are several other types of Fat Folk, and one of these is particularly pertinent as we slip away toward next week’s four day weekend: People On Vacation.

     Once upon a time, as seen in the postcard at the top of this column, it was actually considered a sign of good health to round out your figure a bit.  And it was taken for granted that most people going on vacation were going somewhere that someone else would be feeding them, without themselves having to indulge in such calorie burning activities as setting tables and washing fishes.

     You know how it is when you go on a long cruise.

     So a lot of postcards took the words away from the person writing a message on the back and bragged about how much healthier they were while away from home.

     A little laziness and overeating was felt to be a good sign on your days of vacation.

     Though naturally some people took the opportunity to indulge in other caloric activities.

     This was perfectly healthy if one went to the beach to do it, of course.

     One did not have to spend the entire vacation eating and napping.  A lot of people did go in quest of strenuous exercise they couldn’t indulge in at home.  Sometimes, of course, the strenuous part of the exercise was shared by someone else.

     The postcards dealing with Round People on horseback is legion.

     Though some humane and more progressive souls went for long healthy rides without inconvenicing a horse.  (I have been told, on no authority whatever that this is the great-grandmother of the model who appeared in one of Queen’s sleeve illustrations.  No points for guessing which one.)

     Other round people spent their time between meals on the golf course.

     Or took long walks on the beach. (Note: additional proof that letting a child learn about architecture is dangerous for the morals.)

     In any case, the Fat Folk really enjoyed their vacations, though sometimes the weather would turn out too hot.

     Or rainy.

     Whatever happened, though, there was plenty to report when one got home and all those vacation slides were developed.  (Okay, so once upon a time, in the heyday of the vacation postcard, people had to take photos with cameras which were not attached to phones or the Interwebs.  They could have these developed into prints—pictures in paper—or slides, transparencies which could be loaded into a machine and projected on a screen.  It was a chore sometimes to look at these things, but it beat having someone scroll through the pictures on a phone and then hand it around.)

     Round People were out to enjoy their vacations, and on postcards, they generally did…even if sometimes their adventures were not things to write home about.