Doctor, Doctor

     Today, we find ourselves in the doctor’s waiting room, waiting for a laugh.  Ah, for the pre-pandemic days, when the waiting room might be filled with Reader’s Digest, Highlights for Children, and Boys’ Life, all magazines which included joke columns, helping to preserve the traditional gags of our nation!  Now we must rely on emails and Facebook posts.

     Speaking of which, any of these, with or without the punchlines which have been hidden in the ANSWER section, are guaranteed to be of ancient vintage and perfectly ripe for posting.  No, you don’t have to give me credit.  I’m in this for my health.

J1.Angus strolled into the doctor’s office and asked the receptionist, “What does the doctor charge for a visit?”

     “One hundred dollars for the first visit,”” she told him, “But twenty dollars for each subsequent visit.”

     Angus waited his turn and then moved back to the examination room.  “Hey, Doc!” he said, “(         )”

J2.”Doc, it hurts when I do this!”

      “Well, then, (          ).”

J3.”That cough of yours sounds much better today.”

     “It should, Doc.  (          ).”

J4.”Yes, your leg is a bit swollen but I’m not worried.”

     “Well, Doc, (          ).”

J5.Dr. Krankheit took out his stethoscope and applied it to Sheila’s chest.  “Cough, please.”  She obeyed.  “Now cough again.”  She did it again.  “Now cough once more.”  Sheila did as she was instructed.

     The doctor lowered the stethoscope.  “My goodness!  (          )”

J6.”You’re going to need to keep regular hours.”

     “But, Doc, I do that now!”

     “You told me you leave your office and go straight to the bar and keep drinking ‘til midnight!”

     “So?  (         )”

J7.Dr. Krankheit gave me six months to live.  I told him I couldn’t pay his bill.  So he (         ).

J8.”I’ll be honest, Ma’am.  I don’t like the way your husband looks.”

     “Well, Doc, (          ).”

J9.”And how are you today?”

     “Worse than ever, Doc.”

     “Have you been doing what I told you?  Drinking a glass of hot water an hour before breakfast?”

     “I tried, Doc.”

J10.”Dr. Krankheit’s office,” said the doctor into the phone, “Dr. Krankheit speaking.”

     “Hey, Doc!  Sorry I didn’t make my appointment today!  But I’;ve been running fifteen miles a day, just like you said, and I feel great.  Really great!”

     “Glad to hear it,” said the doctor.  “But why didn’t you come in for your appointment?”

     “Well, Doc, (          ).”

J11.”Doc, whatever’s wrong with me, don’t scare me to death with some long scientific name for it.  Just give me the news straight out.”

     “Well, your basic problem is you’re a lazy fat man.”

     “That’s a relief, Doc.  Now (          ).”

J12.”This is the worst cold I’ve ever had!”

     “What’re you taking for it?”

     “(          ).”

We don’t have to wait for results from the lab.  Here are your ANSWERS.

     A1.Here I am again!  (In the long version of this joke, the doctor glances at Angus and says “You look good to me.  Keep taking the same medicine.”

     A2.Don’t do that

     A3.I’ve been practicing all night

     A4.If it was your leg, I wouldn’t be worried, either

     A5.How long have you had that cough?

     A6.Those are my regular hours

     A7.he gave me another six months

     A8.neither do I, but he’s good with the children

     A9.I can’t keep it up for more than ten minutes

     A10.I’m six hundred miles from home

     A11.Now give me a long scientific name so I can tell the wife

     A12.Make me an offer

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