Back to the Cornfield

     Ah, here comes Monday once again, the day when people wake with foreboding to face the daily commute on a crowded thoroughfare or smelly train to get to the office.  Don’t you wish you could drop it all and set up shop in rural America, where a person can WALK to the office (through the rain or snow or hundred degree temperatures).  Of course, the farmer has no commute at all, since the office is there the minute the eyes are open (or even before, dang that rooster.)

     Our old Joke Quiz this week takes us back to the country, where, by the way, these jokes are just as old as they are in the city.  The ANSWERS, which you surely don’t need, will be down at the bottom of this compost heap.

J1.The Agricultural Extension man had come to visit Farmer Jenkins’s place.  “I notice you still let your pigs roam free to forage for roots and plants.  Don’t you know that if you confined them to a lot and fed them regularly on the newest feed, they’d be ready for market in half the time.

     The farmer shrugged.  “Well, mister, (          )?”

J2.”How much milk do your cows give?”

     “(          )”

J3.The small town’s council was considering the purchase of a grand chandelier to put in the town’s main meeting hall.  The crusty old conservative member of course voted against it. 

“Useless expense,” he said, “Nobody in this town (          ).”

J4.He was also the roadblock when a proposal was brought forward to buy six gondolas for the water park the town was thinking of setting up.  “Save money,” he said.  “Just buy two, and (      ).”

     J5.”Is that your flock of cows, Mister?”

     “Not flock.  Herd.”

     “Herd what?”

     “Herd of cows.”

     “Well, (          )”

J6.”Mister Farmer,” said the tourist from the city.  “How come that cow over there doesn’t have any horns?”

     “Well, there are plenty of reasons a cow might not have horns,” said the farmer.  “Sometimes an animal is so aggressive, we have to remove the horns to keep peace in the field.  Sometimes, for reasons the experts are still working on, the horns never grow in in the first place.  Sometimes there’s a fight or an accident and one horn gets broken off, and we have to remove the other so the cow doesn’t have to live with its head to one side.  Now, the reason that particular cow doesn’t have horns is (          ).”

     J7.A lady from the city was picking berries and wandered a little too far into a field.  She spotted the bull glaring at her at the same time she saw the farmer leaning on a fence, and called to him.  “Is that bull safe?”

     “Oh, yes,” said the farmer.  “(          ).”

J8.Another tourist at another farm watched over the fence as the rural mail carrier came dashing across the field, an angry bull in hot pursuit.  The mail carrier was breathing hard, and the bull was obviously catching up.  Just when it seemed the man was a goner, he jumped up on a rock and took a headlong leap over the fence, landing in a gully filled with water as the bull snorted and fumed.

     “He nearly got you that time,” said the tourist, helping the man out of the water.

     “Oh yes,” said the mail carrier.  “(          ).”

J9.”How come you never came around to close the deal on that horse you were going to sell me.”

     “Oh, (          ).”

J10.A tourist was working on his car on a lonely road in the country.  It had sputtered to a stop and wouldn’t start again.  He tried a few elementary things and tried the ignition after each one, to no avail.  He was bending over the engine for the fifth time when someone said, “Sounds like your transmission.”

     The tourist grunted and turned around.  To his surprise, there was no one to be seen.  A horse was looking over the fence, but that was it.  “I don’t suppose that was you,” he said.

     “Who else?” said the horse.  “It really sounds to me like it’s your transmission.”

     The tourist yelled and ran as fast as he could up the road until he came across a farmer at a gate.  The panting tourist pointed behind himself.  “There…there’s a horse back there!”

     “Got lots of horses,” said the farmer, a little surprised at the observation.

     “No, but listen.  My car stalled, and this horse comes up to the fence and says it’;s my transmission!”

     “Brown horse?  About yea high, white stripe between his eyes?”

     “That’s the one!  Do you know about him?”

     The farmer shrugged.  “Never mind about him.  (          ).”

Of course, like the farmers above, you know all the ANSWERS, but here they are anyhow.

     A1What’s time to a hog?

     A2/None.  We have to taske it away from them.

     A3.knows how to play the darn thing

     A4.and let them breed

     A5.Of course I’ve heard of cows!

     A6.It happens to be a horse

     A7.A darn sight safer than you are

     A8.He nearly gets me every time

     A9.He got well

     A10.He doesn’t know the first thing about cars

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