Show Me the Funny

     And here we are on President’s Day, a holiday observed primarily by government employees and mattress sales.  There are, of course, a number of holidays waiting for us: St. Patrick’s Day, Easter (cue the Cadbury Bunny commercial), the Vernal Equinox, but the most advertised holiday of all is coming in the middle of April.

     So, in anticipation of tax Day, the old joke quiz revisits the subject of money: saving it, spending it, and giving it away.  I am not paying for correct answers: we all know them and, anyhow, they’re at the bottom of the column.

     J1.Barney liked the hotel except for the way he was expected to tip for every little courtesy.  One afternoon, a knock on the door was followed by a call of “Telegram for you, sir.”

     Hoping to avoid the outstretched palm, Barney called back, “Slip it under the door.”

     “I can’t, sir,” came the reply.  “(          )”.

J2.A panhandler stopped me on the street and told me he hadn’t had a bite in weeks.  So (          ).

J3.”Can you spare a dime for a cup of coffee, sir?”

     “I suppose so.  Here’s your dime.”

     “Thank you, sir.  (          )”.

J4.”Can you spare twenty dollars for a cup of coffee?”

     “You can get a cup of coffee for a dime at that diner!”

     “I know, sir.  (          )”.

J5.”Can you spare ten thousand dollars for a cup of coffee?”

     “A cup of coffee doesn’t cost ten thousand dollars!”

     “It does, sir, if (          )”.

J6.”Say, young man, can you tell me how to get to the bank?”

     “I can for ten dollars.”

     “Ten dollars just to give me directions to the bank?”

     “Of course.  (          )”

J7.Barney didn’t know what kind of store he’d walked into until he saw a scarf he liked and asked the woman at the counter, “How much is this?”

     She glanced at it.  “Eight hundred dollars, sir.”

     He reached across the counter and took her wrist.  “And what is this?”

     She blinked.  “That’s my wrist, sir.”
     “Oh,” said barney, “(          ).”

J8.”You won’t co-sign my loan?  Hey, didn’t I lend you fifteen grand to keep you out of bankruptcy in 2002?  Who went bail for your two sons in that used car scam in 2010?  And didn’t I get you out of those grand larceny charges in 2012?  Don’t you remember all that?”

     “Oh, sure.  (          )?”

J9.”It’s beautiful.  But it would be a sin to pay that much for a hat!”

     “Well, Ma’am, (          )”.

J10.”I need a new swimsuit, and I’d like to try on that blue one in your window.”

     “Sorry, Ma’am.  (          )”.

J11.Danny was going through some boxes of papers and cancelled checks he’d shoved way back in the closet years before, and ran across a receipt for a pair of shoes he’d left at a local shoe repair shop before he went into the Army in 1976.  He checked online, and found to his amazement that the shop was still in business, so he took his receipt and drove over.

     With a shrug, he handed the receipt across the counter.  “I don’t suppose there’s any chance you remember this.”

     The man at the counter glanced over the piece of paper and opened a ledger on the counter.  “Brown Oxfords, sir?”

     “Why, yes!” said Danny.  “Don’t tell me you still have them!”

  .  The man nodded.  “(          )”.

Unlike the IRS, I do not penalize you for incorrect ANSWERS.

     A1.It’s on a tray

     A2.I bit him

     A3.And here’s your cup of coffee

     A4.I’m a heavy tipper go to Brazil for it

     A6.Bank directors always make a lot of money

     A7.Everything’s so high around here I thought it might be your neck

     A8.But what have you done for me lately?

     A9.The sin will be on your head

     A10.You’ll have to use a dressing room like everyone else

     A11.They’ll be ready a week from Tuesday

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