All Rise

     I know it is Valentine’s Day, and I know that half of you had a really good Super Sunday (while the other half of you ran out of spinach dip in the third quarter.)  But it is Monday, and once again time for our Old Joke Quiz.  (Look at it this way: how will we ever finish with this unpublished book of joke quizzes unless we go through the jokes?)

     I find that this section of the Law and Crime jokes concerns almost solely jokes involving judges.  The judge joke was a staple of comedy just as thoroughly as the basic lawyer joke, and it is probably unnecessary to mention the “Her Comes De Judge”, which would get us into side issues involving The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Rowan and martin’s Laugh-In, Shorty Long, Pigmeat Markham, and enough material for six or seven blogs.

     So, as you eat your chocolates and leftover chicken wings, preparing to get out tomorrow and buy the half-price marshmallow hearts, be grateful you have only these jokes to deal with.

     J1.The judge glared down at the defendant.  “Have you been up before me before today?”

     “I don’t know, Your Honor,” said the defendant.  “(          )”

J2.”What brought you before this court?” the judge demanded.

     The defendant smiled.  “Two ;policemen.”

     The judge snorted.  “Drunk, as usual.”

     The defendant nodded.  “(          )”

J3.The judge thunder, “You have been brought here for drinking!”

     “Ah!” said the defendant.  “(          )”

J4.”Intoxication!” ruled the judge.  “Twenty dollars or twenty days!”

     “Well, Judge,” the defendant replied, “I think (          )”

J5.Down the hall, in another courtroom, the judge announced, “You are acquitted, sir.”

     The defendant frowned.  “Oh, ah….”

     The judge smiled.  “This means you are free to go.”

     “I see, Your Honor,” the defendant replied.  “So (          ).”

J6.In another courtroom, the judge intoned, “You have been found guilty, sir, and this court sentences you to ninety-nine years.”

     “Ninety-nine years!” cried the defendant.  “I don’t have ninety-nine years to live!  No one can do ninety-nine years!”

     The judge glared down at him.  “(          )”

J7.Yet another judge, farther down the hall, was demanding, “Couldn’t this case have been settled out of court?”

     The defendant shrugged.  “(          )”

J8.In divorce court, the judge announced, “This court finds for your wife, and awards her six thousand dollars a month in alimony.”

     The former husband nodded.  “That sounds really decent.  (          ).”

J9.”I was really worried about how the case would come out, but the judge awarded Jeffrey a suspended sentence.”

     “Let him go, huh?”

     “No.  (          ).”

J10.”This court has good news and bad news.  The good news is that your attorney has presented this court with irrefutable evidence.”

     “That’s great!  What’s the bad news.”

     “(          )”

J11.The fence between Heaven and Hell was getting worn down with so many failed attempts by the denizens of Hell to get out.  Though this was clearly the Devil’s fault, he refused to have anything to do with the repairs.

     “I’ll sure you for damages,” God told him.  “And you can’t win, since all the great judges are up here.”

     “Oh, yeah?” said the Devil.  “(          )”

If you should wind up in court one of these days, you’d better know all the ANSWERS.

     A1.What time do you get up?

     A2.Both of them

     A3.Let’s get started

     A4.I’d as soon have the twenty dollars

     A5.Do I get to keep the watch?

     A6.You can try, can’t you?

     A7.That’s what me and this bozo were trying to do when the cops grabbed us

     A8.And I’ll try to slip her a buck or two once in a while myself

     A9.Hanged him

     A10.It proves you’re guilty

     A11.Who do you think has all the lawyers?

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