Round and Round

     I have nearly as many postcards featuring Round People as I have about fishing, but I took the Thanksgiving weekend off from telling you about them, feeling that none of us would feel like chatting about such things when we were stuffed with stuffing.  (Those of you who had tofu and greens probably found other things to do while we were napping.  That’s okay.)

     It must be admitted that not ALL postcards are as accepting of Round People.  During the first Golden Age of postcards, before the First World War, it was a very unpleasant insult to tell someone they were too thin, but that began to slip away during the era of the hobble skirt, while the 1920s, which besides bobbed hair and rolled stockings also featured cosmetic mastectomies and the Boyishform Bra, put an end to it for the next century. 

     We mentioned earlier that certain people frequently turn up rather round in postcard cartoons: janitors, cleaning ladies, wives.  (Mothers-in-law came in two basic types, the large round battle-axe and the prim, scrawny battle-axe.)  But there are other types of people we were intended to laugh at instead of with.

     Carrying over from the nineteenth century was the perception that rich people, who could afford lots of food, were invariably fat

     It is true that this would change to rich people who could afford to pick and choose their food or could hire a personal trainer or could afford to check into health spas to lose weight.  But Round People were funnier, especially, as noted last week, when in swimming attire.

     The Old Maid was in the same category as the Mother-in-law: about half of this were spindly and tall.  But the Round Woman was a great source of fun, especially if shown embracing a hapless male who was overwhelmed by the amount of passion thrown at him.

     Some artists did rebel against this, led by Walter Wellman, who was wholeheartedly in support of the Thirties nod to larger women.  But that’s a whole nother blog.  A cartoonist in need of a quick cartoon could be sure of a sale with a Round Woman and an Outmatched Boyfriend.

     And, as always, the Old Maid was a lot funnier when she dressed up for the beach.

     Another character lumped in with the Old Maid and the Mother-in-law was the Aging Person.  As we get older, apparently, we must lose all desirability and become either tall and thin or short and round.  One or two cartoonists noted this phenomenon in their Round People cartoons.

     One or two could not avoid alluding to the fact that even Aging Round People might have…well, perhaps in that nother blog one day.

     Yes, by the way, Round Aging People are not all female.  (No, look PAST the ladies on the shore.  Yes, Round People do tend to flock together.)

     This artist, on one of the newest postcards in this blog, puts it all pretty succinctly about Aging People and Round People.  AND, of course, he puts ‘em in swimwear.

Wise Guys

     So it is the Monday after a four-day weekend, and some of us still imagine the world will go easy on us.  To help prepare you for the opposite, this is a chapter from my quiz book of old jokes called “Gotcha”, a series of tales where a wit outwits a halfwit.  You may use these in real life, if you like, but remember to duck.

     J1.”I have a new invention which allows me to see through walls.”

     “Wow!  What do you call it?”

     “(          )”

J2.”What a day! I hope this rain keeps up.”

“Why?”

“So (          ).”

     J3.Rosemary answered the phone to hear a voice ask, “Is Rudolph home?”

     “You must have a wrong number,” she replied.  “There is no Rudolph here.”

     A few minutes later, the phone rang again, and someone asked, “Hey, is Rudolph there?”

     “There is no Rudolph here,” she said.  “Wrong number.”

     She had barely hung up when the phone rang again.  “Hey, call Rudolph to the phone, would you?” said the voice on the other end.

     “There’s no Rudolph at this number!” she snapped.  She was breathing deeply, trying to get her temper under control when the phone rang again.

     “Yes?” she demanded.

     “Hi!  (          ).”

J4.”I fell over a hundred feet today.”

“Were you on a cliff?”

“No.  (          ).”

     J5.”I just read a fascinating study about baldness.  It seems that those who get bald at the front of the head first are great thinkers, while those whose baldness develops at the back are great lovers.”

     “Well, what about those of us who are bald both places?”

     “You (          )”

J6.”Why are they building such a big fence around the cemetery?”

“(          )”

     J7.”I don’t see how you can tell those horrible jokes all the time.”

     “Well, that’s just my eccentricity.  We all have eccentric habits.”

     “I don’t.”

     “Oh, yeah?  Do you put milk in your coffee?”

     “I do.  But that’s not eccentric.”

     “Do you stir it with your left hand or your right hand?”

     “My right hand.”

     “Well, there’s your eccentricity.  (          )”

J8.”These three Irishmen walk into a bar….”

“I don’t listen to ethnic jokes.”

“Well, I can tell this one because my own grandfather was Irish.”

“Oh, really?”

“No.  (          )”

     J9.”What a holiday weekend!  I haven’t slept for days!”

     “You must be tired.”

     “No.  (          )”

     The folks featured above may have all the ANSWERS, but in case you didn’t, here they are.

     A1.A window

     A2.it doesn’t come down.

     A3.This is Rudolph.  Any messages for me?

     A4.On a bus.

     A5.Think about making love

     A6.People are dying to get in.

     A7.Most folks use a spoon.

     A8.O’Reilly

     A9.I sleep nights.

Beach View

     It may still weigh on your mind what a huge territory we chose to cover in Friday’s blog, dedicated to postcards which told how a vacation might tend to broaden one’s knowledge, one’s experience, and, especially, one’s waistline.  It is such a large field for study that we skipped all the postcards that used “broaden” that way, since we had covered that in a whole nother blog.

     And if you feel we were a bit too narrow in our focus on Friday, you would be correct.  I was omitting a vast part of the category: Round People in Swimming Attire.\     The beach is a natural target for those who want to get away from it all and enjoy the great outdoors.  (For myself, I have fantasized more about resorts above the snowline, where the weather may threaten at any time, and make us all stay indoors, where I can read a book and let the great outdoors go on without me.  If the good God had intended me to spend time at the beach, he would not have draped me in a pelt which starts to blister after an hour or so of direct sunlight.  I wonder sometimes if my ancestors covered up what part of middle Europe they came from to conceal some vampire strain in our family tree.  By the way, do you think vampires go to the beach?  With enough sunblock?  Modern tech…where were we?)

     There is an interesting clash between many of the postcards of the middle of the last century and prevailing culture today.  Our ancestors DID admit that one might outgrow last year’s bathing costume.

     They admitted too that some people might feel it necessary to combat the expanse of the vacation waistline.  (Beach calisthenics were a popular attraction for decades, popular both a among participants and spectators.)

     But far more common are postcards featuring ladies and gentlemen who just didn’t see, to notice they were now the large, economy size package.

     And even more common than that are the cards featuring those who were in on the joke.  “Yeah, look at me: I’m big” was the message.

     You’re on vacation, after all, among a lot of other people you may never see again.  So why worry?  (“I just don’t care when I’m on holiday” was a common refrain.)

     These are people who are comfortable in their own skin, though they admit there’s plenty of it.

     Even in the bathing costumes of the 1930s, there wasn’t much scope for hiding how one was put together, so you could either enjoy it or stay indoors.

     If you thought people would laugh, hit them with a pre-emptive strike.

     There are advantages, after all, to possessing a certain measure of adipose tissue.

     And since they had established in popular culture (as exposed in Friday’s illustrations) that people tend to build themselves up on their healthy holidays, you can always blame it on your time at the beach.

     We will study the triple meaning of “broad” in some other blog, but some people actually found an extra pound here or there (especially here.  And THERE) rather fetching.

     And if you’ve got it, flaunt it.

     In the end (sorry), one has to admit that, no matter how embarrassing you are by going out in public in that bathing suit,

     You’d be in far more danger of embarrassment without it.

Raspberry Sauce

    It is the Monday approaching Thanksgiving, so the old jokes in this quiz have a food theme.  These are from my chapter on raspberries: the insults, the slams, the critical responses which are so old that you will certainly not have to look at the answers to know how they come out.  If you have received more of these than you have handed out, you are officially a Good Person (even if you’re not good at anything else.)

     J1.”I like your singing except for two things.”

     “What?”

     “(          )”

J2.”I just can’t help breaking into song.”

“(          )”

     J3.”How did you enjoy my violin solo?”

     “Frankly, (          )”

J4.”You are a marvelous dancer.”

“I wish I could say the same for you.”

“You could (          )”

     J5.”That’s a very difficult piece she’s playing.”

     “Difficult?  (          )”

J6.The high school choir launched into “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” and a man in the front row began to weep.  The woman sitting next to him said, “Are you an Irishman?”

     “No,” he said, “(          )”

J7.”How did you like my last movie?”

“It’s great, if (          )”

     J8.”I heard you gave a speech at the club last night.  What was it about?”

     “Oh, nothing.”

     “(          )”

J9.”I’m my own worst enemy.”

“(          )”

     J10.”My ancestors came to this country on the Mayflower.”

     “That’s good.  (          )”

J11.”My father fought with Patton in Sicily, my grandfather fought with Pershing in France, his father fought with Roosevelt in Cuba, and his father fought with Sherman in Georgia.”

     “Goodness, that’s amazing!  (          )”

J12.”Yes, I’m a self-made man.”

“Well, (          )”

     J13.”What weather!  I’m chilled to the bone!”

     “So (          )”

J14.”Whenever I’m down in the dumps, I get myself a new dress.”

“(          )”

     J15.Evangeline slept late on garbage day, and realized, as she heard the truck rumble up the street, that she hadn’t put her garbage at the curb for pickup.  She threw on a bathrobe, grabbed the bag out of the kitchen, and ran to shout, “Am I too late for the garbage?”

     “No,,” said the garbageman, “(          )”

J16.”Sometimes I think changing jobs might be the answer and other times I think I should stick with what I have.  What would you do if you were in my shoes?”

     “(          )”

J17.”Excuse me, officer, I’m frightened by all this traffic.  Could you see me across the street?”

“Lady, (          )”

            After all that, I doubt you have questions, but in any case, I have ANSWERS.

A1.<y ears

A2.You wouldn’t have to break in if you had the right key.

A3.Those strings sounded better in the cat.

A4.if you were as big a liar as I am.

A5.I wish it were impossible

A6.A music lover

A7.you promise it IS your last movie

A8.I assumed that, but how did you express it this time?

A9.Not while I’m around

A10.Immigration laws are much stricter now

A11.Couldn’t your family get along with anybody?

A12.that relieves God of a lot of responsibility

A13.put on a hat

A14.We all wondered where you got them

A15.Hop up on the truck

A16.Polish them.

A17.I could see you from a mile away.

Vacation Coming Round

     We have addressed some of the themes which were huge hits in the days when we sent postcards instead of texts: fishing, outhouses, clotheslines, and street sweepers, but we have been ignoring the eight hundred pound….let’s try that over.  We have not indicated the fun our ancestors found in Round People, or Fat Folk.

     We have touched on this here and there.  Some people in postcard jokes incline toward XXXL clothing: people who say travel is broadening, adults about to get swatted on the backside (on the principle that the joke is funnier, the larger the target), a lot of women who sit at one end of the canoe…while wives and cleaning staff (male or female) have a tendency to have developed in round ways.

     But there are several other types of Fat Folk, and one of these is particularly pertinent as we slip away toward next week’s four day weekend: People On Vacation.

     Once upon a time, as seen in the postcard at the top of this column, it was actually considered a sign of good health to round out your figure a bit.  And it was taken for granted that most people going on vacation were going somewhere that someone else would be feeding them, without themselves having to indulge in such calorie burning activities as setting tables and washing fishes.

     You know how it is when you go on a long cruise.

     So a lot of postcards took the words away from the person writing a message on the back and bragged about how much healthier they were while away from home.

     A little laziness and overeating was felt to be a good sign on your days of vacation.

     Though naturally some people took the opportunity to indulge in other caloric activities.

     This was perfectly healthy if one went to the beach to do it, of course.

     One did not have to spend the entire vacation eating and napping.  A lot of people did go in quest of strenuous exercise they couldn’t indulge in at home.  Sometimes, of course, the strenuous part of the exercise was shared by someone else.

     The postcards dealing with Round People on horseback is legion.

     Though some humane and more progressive souls went for long healthy rides without inconvenicing a horse.  (I have been told, on no authority whatever that this is the great-grandmother of the model who appeared in one of Queen’s sleeve illustrations.  No points for guessing which one.)

     Other round people spent their time between meals on the golf course.

     Or took long walks on the beach. (Note: additional proof that letting a child learn about architecture is dangerous for the morals.)

     In any case, the Fat Folk really enjoyed their vacations, though sometimes the weather would turn out too hot.

     Or rainy.

     Whatever happened, though, there was plenty to report when one got home and all those vacation slides were developed.  (Okay, so once upon a time, in the heyday of the vacation postcard, people had to take photos with cameras which were not attached to phones or the Interwebs.  They could have these developed into prints—pictures in paper—or slides, transparencies which could be loaded into a machine and projected on a screen.  It was a chore sometimes to look at these things, but it beat having someone scroll through the pictures on a phone and then hand it around.)

     Round People were out to enjoy their vacations, and on postcards, they generally did…even if sometimes their adventures were not things to write home about.

Burning Issue

     How many times am I going to have to remind you that this is NOT a food blog?  This is a blog about the world of laughter and imagination, as seen through postcards I’d like to sell so I can go on paying for stuff: a shameless cash grab which never quite gets around to telling you where to buy the things seen in the illustrations.  I just keep getting sidetracked by other matters on the old Interwebs, which exist solely for sucking you out of your day-to-day cares to confront life’s eternal questions.

     One of which, it turns out, is what I thought would be a simple Look-It-Up-and-Move-On sort of inquiry.  What is so burnt about French Burnt Peanuts.  This is that stubbly brown-red peanut candy I was addicted to as a young man, and still wouldn’t mind crunching in my spare time.  Of course, it was not that simple.  We fell into an international candy mix of Jordan almonds, Spanish peanuts, and Boston Baked Beans.

     Jordan almonds were produced in ancient Rome, although in those days they were simply almonds covered in honey, apparently meant to symbolize the contrast between the hard and soft, sweet and bitter, of married life, and used as wedding favors.  They started being coated with sugar during the Renaissance, and gradually became best known as wedding reception decorations, edible only if the rest of the food at the reception was slow in getting to you.  I ALWAYS felt kind of like that about Jordan almonds.  In the twentieth century, inventors in the U.S. came up with a coating system known as cold-panning, most famously used to produce M&Ms, but also used to produce Jordan almonds, French burnt peanuts, Boston Baked beans, certain sugar-coated pills, and those little metal balls you put on home-decorated Christmas cookies and absolutely classified by the FDA as inedible.  (My mother used to warn us not to put so many of those on the cookies for good reason.  They are considered edible elsewhere, but are, in fact, actually illegal now in California.)

     Jordan, by the way, is a reference to Verdun, where they were…no, it’s a corruption of the French word Jardin, or garden, which….no, it’s a reference to certain almonds grown along the Jordan River, which had…when the Interwebs doesn’t know the real answer to something, it lokes to give you every possible answer, so it has all bases covered.

     Anyway, if you take your cold-panning machine and toss in Spanish peanuts (which are from Brazil, but achieved their classic form of small nibbles with thin salty skins in Spain) and you are well on your way to M&Ms, Boston Baked Beans, and French burnt peanuts.  (We will not pause here to discuss their use in peanut clusters and peanut-caramel clusters sometimes called Turtles, although authentic turtles should involve cashews and/or almonds  These were invented by Chicago candy company De Met’s and called turtles because…did I say we weren’t pausing for this?  Let’s get back to candy in the shell…which turtles don’t…no.)

     Now, the Boston Baked Bean came AFTER the French Burnt Peanut, being introduced by a Chicago company in 1924.  (Why Boston?  Because they looked like beans, for which Boston was famous.  At last, an easy answer.)

     But about the French Burnt Peanut.  The answer offered by an online food etymologist (dannwoellertfoodetymologist) is that it descends from the German Burnt Almond.  Why didn’t YOU think of that?

     He finds these gems, billed as one of the oldest confections”, in a candy catalogue of 1918, along with the German Burnt Cinnamon Almond, which seems to have been much the same color as the French Burnt Peanut.  After World War I, he explains, Americans indulged the passion for Spanish peanuts and made them America’s main candy staple, starting with peanut clusters before World War I and developing into candy bars as years went by.  Taking the color of the Burnt Cinnamon Almond but not the cinnamon flavor, the almond and BURNT SUGAR coating were applied to the little peanuts and the nationality was changed either because of a)the War, b)a German reputation for pastry while the French were known for candy, or c)corporate feeling that it sounded more expensive.

     So there’s your answer.  French burnt peanuts are made with burnt sugar (used in a number of caramels) and are a German-Italian-Brazilian confection called French for marketing purposes.  And I guess that’s that, though I DID think the explanation might veer toward peanut brittle at some point.  (Hey, you want to know where THAT came from?  There’s an easy answer.  Nobody knows.  So there.)

Paws for a Laugh

     I think we should be able to return to our regular schedule of blogs.  It is Monday again, and that means another exploration of jokes which are considered so elderly that you should be able to come up with the answer in no time at all.  This chapter in my original book on the subject deals with Animals.  The people in these jokes are not always kind to animals, but I advise you to behave better than that.  Be kind to the animals you meet today.  Don’t tell them any of these jokes.

     As usual, the punchlines, which I knew you know and you know I know you know, are at the end of the column.

     J1.”I went riding today on a really polite horse.”

     “Polite?”

     “Oh, yes.  If we came to a fence I wanted him to jump but he didn’t want to, he (          ).”

J2.I have the finest hunting dog in the world.  I took him to town to get his shots, and as we were walking to the vet’s office, he went into a point.  All I could see was a man, his arms full of packages, waiting for the bus.  I said, “I beg your pardon, sir.  Do any of those packages contain game birds?”

     “Well, no,” he said.  “Just books.”

     “Hmm.  Were you out hunting recently and wear those pants or that jacket while cleaning your game?”

     “I’m not a hunter.  Golf’s my game.”

     “Well,” I said, “I do apologize for my dog’s behavior.  My name’s Crawford,” by the way.

     “How do you do?  My name is (          ).”

J3.Kate went to the basement of her apartment building to find the janitor, and discovered him playing checkers with his dog.  “Wow!” she said, “That’s one smart dog!”

     “Not so smart,” said the janitor.  “(          )”

J4.Tim went down to the basement of his apartment building to find the maintenance engineer and discovered him playing poker with his dog.  “Wow!” he said, “That is one truly intelligent dog!”

     “Not so intelligent,” said the maintenance engineer, “(          )”

J5.”I just cut off my dog’s nose.”

     “How will he smell?”

     “(          )”

J6.”I had to shoot my dog yesterday.”

     “Was he mad?”

     “Well, (          )”

J7.Two hikers were trapped in the snow on the mountainside, without any idea where they were or how to survive.  One of them spotted a St. Bernard headed toward them, a cask around its neck.  “We’re saved!” he cried.  “Here comes man’s best friend!”

     “Yes,” said his companion, “And (          )”

J8.”Do you like my new police dog?”

     “Police dog?  That doesn’t look like a police dog!”

     “Of coursed not. (          )”

J9.Two dogs met in the park.  “Meow,” said the first dog.

     The second dog jumped.  “Did you just say meow?”

     “Yeah,” the first dog replied, “(          )”

J10.”When you sold me this cat, you said she was great for mice.  Well, she won’;t even go near ‘em!”

     “Well, (          )”

          I suppose your smart aleck dog has already told you all these ANSWERS.  He is SUCH a wag.

A1.He tossed me for it.

A2.Partridge

A3.I’ve beaten him six games out of ten.

A4.Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail

A5.As bad as ever

A6.He wasn’t any too pleased about it

A7.look at the big dog carrying it

A8.He’s undercover

A9.I’m studying a foreign language

A10.Isn’t that great for mice?

One Man’s War

     Computer difficulties yesterday kept me out of my picture files, so I could not prepare historical tidbits regarding the images our ancestors mailed to each other.    But the blog must go on.  So I have torn a piece out of one of my much applauded lecture series.  (These are lectures which are applauded because something always prevents me from actually delivering them.  The world may NEVER hear my work on Victorian Applications of New Communications Technology.)

     This excerpt comes from the story of Dave, a Civil War soldier about whom I did some research in the days before the Interwebs, when I had to beg a ride to a couple of different libraries where his story could be found.  Dave was inspired to a military career by the start of the Civil War.  Rejected on his first attempt to enlist (the Army simply wasn’t ready for the hundreds of thousands of enlistees, having used up its stock of weapons and unforms in the first few weeks) he was inspired to go out and recruit 99 other men, who could form their own company and fight together as a unit (the Army allowed that in those days.)  He was elected a Lieutenant by the company and went through training.  In their first major encounter with the enemy, Dave was wounded just badly enough to get him sent to an Army hospital while his company went on without him.  We will pick up his story at that point.

     His bad luck did not inspire Dave to say “Well, so that’s war.  I guess I’ve my share.”  No, he was one of those young men who tells the coach, “Hey, I’m okay!  Put me in!  Come on!  Look, I’m fine!”  At length, tired of his nagging, the Army doctors released him to rejoin Company C.

     By the time he caught up with them, however, there was no Company C to rejoin.  The laughter of the gods of war, the Hand of God, or the Fickle Finger of Fate had decreed that he should try to rejoin his buddies on the evening of the first day of the Battle of Shiloh.  This encounter had set up early on to be a catastrophe for the Union.  Confederate forces would have swept through unhindered had not several Union companies taken up a position in a roadway sunk below the surrounding countryside.  Hunkering here, they kept up such a withering barrage of gunfire that the spot is known to this day as The Hornet’s Nest.  The Confederate advance halted as every gun, large and small, was directed toward the men in the Hornet’s Nest.  You can start a nice fight at any gathering of Civil War experts by asking whether the Union troops finally had to withdraw because of the heavy guns pointed at them by the Southern troops, or because they just ran out of bullets.

     One company was able to make it back to Union lines.  The rest were caught in a swarm of Confederate soldiers, and except for a few men, were killed or captured.  Dave’s Company C was among those.  When he arrived in the camp, only eight of the men he had recruited were there to welcome him back.

     He reported to his commanding officer, who seemed remarkably glad to see him, and took him to see the next officer above him on staff, who was also glad to see Dave.  Any old soldier will tell you all this enthusiasm is a cause for great suspicion.  He may have been hauled all the way to the tent of the general commanding the Northern troops.

     Every textbook Ulysses S. Grant had ever seen on tactics said that at this point in a battle, the general in his position should take advantage of the lull to get as far away from the enemy as possible.  Grant had decided instead to attack the Confederate forces at dawn, throwing everything he had at them.  The trouble was that everything he had wasn’;t quite ready.  There were eight men left out of Company C, and six men from another company, and twelve men from that company, and seven men from another…all fit and prepared to do battle.  But not a single one of their officers had made it into camp.  They could form a unit in the morning’s battle, but who was going to lead them?

     And who should come trotting into camp, fresh as a daisy from sick leave, but Lieutenant Dave?  At dawn, Captain Dave rode at the head of the Union brigade, a fancy name for a company of leftovers.  I could not find the Union Brigade mentioned in a discussion of the second day of the Battle of Shiloh, which means they didn’t capture the enemy general and they didn’t turn around and run away, either.  A bunch of guys from the Midwest, they simply went out and did their job, and the surprised Confederate troops pulled back.  Captain Dave continued to command the Union Brigade for a week or two, until another encounter with the enemy found him wounded again.

     One of the military technological breakthroughs at this time was a round lead shot which was rifled, that is, had a spiral groove cut into it.  Invented by a French inventor named Minie.  American troops, having no taste for foreign pronunciation, dubbed it the mini ball.  One of these caught Dave in the webbing between the big toe and the second toe, and came out just above the ankle bone on the opposite side of the foot.  He kept that spent bullet for the rest of his life, describing it at the time in a letter to his cousin “a more used-up mini ball you never saw.”

     They cut the foot off, of course.  There wasn’t time or technology for anything else.  And after active service amounting to perhaps a month, Captain Dave was sent home.

     In a well-run world, assuming there ARE wars in a well-run world, this would have been the end of Dave’s service.  But the war went on, and both sides, once embarrassed by the number of enlistees, started to suffer a lack of soldiers.  One expedient the military resorts to in such cases is to take able-bodied soldiers holding down desk jobs and send them to the front, giving administrative posts to men who could handle papers even if they couldn’t handle combat.  And captain Dave, barring the lack of a foot, had stayed in pretty good shape.

     So one day in 1864, Colonel Dave rode at the head of soldiers again, this time to assume command of a captured city on the border between north and south.  It had been a Confederate city, but was captured by the Union.  And then was recaptured by the Confederacy and re-recaptured by the Union.  It had changed hands so often and under violent circumstances that Colonel Dave, writing home, said it was “like a little piece of Hell.”  But its heart was still grey, as he learned when  he took his troops down the main street of town and was stopped by an old man who blocked their progress while giving them a lecture on how they weren’t wanted, and they would all die as soon as the Confederacy returned.

     Dave, I have not mentioned, was known for his hair trigger temper.  He was a nice fellow, the sort who would join a fight in a bar and knock you down four times and then help you back up and buy you a drink.  It was that initial explosion you had to watch out for.  But even if he’d had the sunniest temper in the world, he was in this city not only as a representative of the U.S. Army bur also of the U.S. Government, and he had orders not to take this kind of talk from an insurgent.  He had the man arrested and carted off in irons, and when he learned this was the richest man in town, and owner of the largest undamaged house in the district, he commandeered the man’s house as his headquarters, and gave the man’s family two hours to vacate.

     In the morning, he was setting up his office in the old man’s study when an orderly knocked at the door and said, “Begging the Colonel’s pardon, but there’s someone here wants to see you.”

     “Who is he?” Dave demanded.

     “Begging the Colonel’s pardon,” said the orderly, “But it’s not a he.  It’s a she.”

     Dave sighed.  “What does SHE want?”

     “Begging the Colonel’s pardon, but she says it’s a private matter for the Colonel’s ears alone.”

     “Well, stop begging the Colonel’s pardon and show her in!  But…stay within call.”

     He understood the orderly’s awkwardness when the man showed in the town’s equivalent of Scarlett O’Hara.  I have also not mentioned that Dave was a man with a keen eye for the ladies.  That eye told him that anything a man wanted was right here in one charming package.  Dave was engaged to be married, but his fiancée was three states away from town.  So he showed the lady to a seat and, after the orderly had stepped outside, inquired what business had brought her to brighten his office.

     The lady was all business.  Basically, she had fallen madly in love with the young Colonel and wanted to marry him.

     Dave had an eye for the ladies but he had a brain, too.  He asked her at what point during his short stay in town had caused her to fall madly in love with a stranger.

     She was completely businesslike about this as well.  She had simply adored the way he had handled her father in the street.

     Dave’s military brain recognized some problems with the layout of the engagement.  But, still charmed, he replied, kindly “You realize how difficult it would be, in a town so imbued with Confederate sympathy, to marry a Union officer.  You’d be hated by all your neighbors.”

     “It doesn’t matter,” she assured him, “As long as you are by my side.”

     Dave regrouped.  “I am an officer, and this is wartime.  At any moment I might be ordered to some new assignment, and, of course, I could not take you along.  This would leave you alone in a hostile town.”

     “That doesn’t matter either,” she told him.  “As long as I know you are fighting to return to me, my heart will be glad and full.”

     Being a gentleman was getting him nowhere.  He decided on a more brutal attack.  “Soldiers being what they are,” he told her, “I’m more likely to go through a fake marriage, make use of you while I’m here, and then go off without another thought.”

     “Well, that’s fine, too,” she told him.  “When can we start?”

     Dabe called the orderly to escort the lady out of his office and gave orders that she was not to be admitted again.  He wrote his cousin “This was not the easiest battle of the war for me.”

Streets and San

     It was never one of the top ten wishes of my life, but as a boy I kind of wondered whether I wouldn’t like to drive the street sweeper.  This was a tanklike one-person vehicle with a spinning brush underneath, which went along the street sweeping the dust so that…well, I don’t know what, exactly, the purpose was of swirling the dust from here to there.  This is why I never sweep my apartment floor,.  But to be the monarch of the road, sweeping along at a slow, relentless speed…in winter, of course, it would have to be a snowplow, but that didn’t have a brush.  If we ever do get flying cars, as promised for years in science fiction, I shall be very disappointed if they do not have brushes on the bottom.

     My mind drifted in this direction as I was going through a stack of horse postcards.  Some of these were horse portraits, while others dealt with horses in the wild, but the majority showed the horse working for human beings.  And I noticed that the theme of street cleaning was a constant.

     I am a little puzzled by the number of “I’m on the wagon” postcards.  If the phrase is too antique for you, it means a person who has sworn off alcoholic beverages: it took over from the phrase “I’ve taken the pledge”, which meant the same thing but was more of a nineteenth century phrase.  (The pledge was an actual document you signed, but not everyone who spoke of taking it had gone to the trouble of signing it.)  The expression has been ascribed to a number of unlikely inspirations (the tumbril which carried the condemned to the gallows, a wagon the police used to pick up drunks on Sunday morning) but it evidently derives from the custom of sending a wagon through the streets of our cities to sprinkle water on the pavement.  This was to keep down the dust, and perhaps dilute some of the less innocent liquids found in a city’s thoroughfares.

     The person credited with first using the phrase in literature is, of all people, Alice Hegan Rice, whose bestseller Mrs. Wiggs of Cabbage Patch was a phenomenon for about fifty years after its appearance in 1904.  You don’t see it much on reading lists now.  But whether she originated the phrase (she wrote “water cart”) or just reported it, it swept the nation.  (It was a humorous novel, and maybe the jokes haven’t aged well.  The joke in the postcard above, with the sender writing “Spring” above the word “Water”, is only understandabale if you look at the back of the card and see it was mailed from Springwater, New York.)

     What I don’t understand is why you would send people a card announcing your current opinion of booze.  Most of these date from not long after Mrs. Wiggs made her appearance, and even by then, the most common use of the phrase was referring to somebody falling OFF the wagon, meaning they had let their thirst get the better of them.

     Of course, as you knew the moment I connected horses and street cleaning, there is another connection, seen more often in cards from midcentury.  This is because our ancestors lived closer to horses than we do, and horses have a major role on humorous postcards.

     I do not know when our ancestors started hiring people to get the horse pollution off the streets, nor do I know why it waits until the 1930s and 1940s to make it onto postcards.  You will see the theme in a number of classic animated cartoons of the same era.  Maybe it was a touch of nostalgia, as the days of horse traffic were drawing to a close.

     In fact, a number of the postcards have to specify that the scene is set in a place where horses can astill expect to be found in large numbers.  There was the cavalry, of course.

     And, of course, the racetrack.  This location gave the cartoonist a chance to use the “following the horses” gag as well as the one about “cleaning up”.  (Translation for the ridiculously young: “betting regularly and scientifically on horse races” and “making a lot of money”.)

     Though, as time goes by, the man with the broom was moved to the other side of the fence, thus, in a way, cleaning up the joke.

     But the joke went on ion its original form, I suspect, because it allowed the sender to comment on his job.  (Speaking of which, you do know the ancient joke about the man who cleaned up after the elephants in the circus?  I’;ll repeat it anyway.  See, he hated it: the stench, the humiliation of such an occupation, and complained bitterly about it to his friends until one asked, “So why don’t you quit?” 

     “What?” he demanded.  “And give up show business?”)

Country Matters

     Ah, Monday: the day when I fill your cup with jokes you can use at work through the week.  Telling really old jokes is a way to impress your co-workers.  Use one of these, and the first thought that will strike your listener is “Wow!  I’m listening to a real historian!”

     Take the first few jokes below, for example.  These come from what I am told is the oldest known American comedy routine, starting somewhere in the depths of the early nineteenth century.  It involved a farmer sitting on a fence, playing a bit of “Arkansas Traveler” on his fiddle when a lost city fellow came walking by.

J1.”Hey, Rube!  Is this the way to town?”

“How’d you know my name was Rube, stranger?”

“I guessed it.”

“Well, (         ).”

     J2.”Does this road go to town?”

     “This road, stranger?  (          )”

J3.”What I mean is, can I take this road to town?”

“Well, stranger, (         ).”

     J4.”Tell me, Rube, have you lived here all your life?”

     “(          ).”

J5.”So you don’t know if this is the road to town, you don’t know how far it is to town, and I’d bet, in fact, you don’t even know what a town is.  You don’t know much at all.”

     “Well, (          ).”

J6.The farm community doesn’t usually get the better of these gags, since in the days of variety shows on stage, most audiences were either city folk, or at least liked people to think they were.  This led to the “My home town is so small that” jokes.  For example, Needleburg is so small that on the back of the sign that says “You Are Now Entering Needleburg” (          ).

     J7.Needleburg is full of quiet folk.  They had a curfew bell ring at 9 o’clock each night, but they dropped that.  (          )

        J8.”My dad’s trying to decide whether to spend the profit from the harvest on a new bicycle or another cow.”

     “He’ll look pretty silly riding a cow.”

     “Yeah!  He’ll (         ).”

J9,It would be wrong, of course, to ignore that travelling salesman who turns up in so many joke books.  There was one who was stuck in the country and had to spend the night at a farm where there was no teenaged daughter.  He didn’t get much sleep, though, because it rained, and the roof leaked so much in the spare bedroom that he couldn’t find a dry spot anywhere.  “Why don’t you fix that roof?” he demanded, next morning.

     “Kind of dangerous to be up patching the roof in a thunderstorm,” said the farmer.

     “I can see that.  But you can do your patching when the sun shines.”

     “Well, (          ).”

J10.”How far is it to the next town?”

“About a mile, as the crow flies.”

“(          ).”

     J11.That travelling salesman finally got to town, and found his way to the railroad station.  “I need to be in Chicago by one this afternoon,” he told the station manager.  “Is the noon train on time?”

     “Yes, sir,” said the old man.  “Always on time.”

     It got to be 11:45, and the salesman fretted about seeing no signs of any action.  “You’re sure the noon train is on time?” he asked,.

     “I set my watch by the train, Mister,” said the manager.

     Noon came and went, and then 12:30.  “I thought you said the noon train was always on time!” roared the salesman.

     The manager looked him over.  “Mister,” he said, “(          ).”

J12.The salesman finally got on the train, and enjoyed finally getting a ride.  He glanced out the window and said to no one in particular, “I wonder how many cows are in that field.”

     A stranger across from him glanced out the window.  “I’d say two hundred and ninety-six.”

     Another man leaned over the seat behind them.  “Say, mister, it just so happens I own that farm, and I know there are exactly two hundred ninety-six cattle in that field.  How’d you come up with the right number so quick?”

     The stranger shrugged.  “There is a trick to it.  (          ).”

Like the gentleman fiddling on the fence, I assume you already know all the ANSWERS.

     A1.Guess the way to town

     A2.It don’t go nowhere; just sets there.

     A3.If you can pick it up, you can take it anywhere you like

     A4.Not yet.

     A5.I ain’t lost.

     A6.It says “You Are Now Leaving Needleburg”

     A7.It was waking people up.

     A8.look sillier trying to milk a bicycle

     A9.it ain’t leaking then.

     A10.How far is it if the crow has to walk and carry an empty gasoline can?

     A11/I ain’t paid to sit here and knock the railroad.

     A12.I count the legs and divide by four.