Wise Guys

     So it is the Monday after a four-day weekend, and some of us still imagine the world will go easy on us.  To help prepare you for the opposite, this is a chapter from my quiz book of old jokes called “Gotcha”, a series of tales where a wit outwits a halfwit.  You may use these in real life, if you like, but remember to duck.

     J1.”I have a new invention which allows me to see through walls.”

     “Wow!  What do you call it?”

     “(          )”

J2.”What a day! I hope this rain keeps up.”


“So (          ).”

     J3.Rosemary answered the phone to hear a voice ask, “Is Rudolph home?”

     “You must have a wrong number,” she replied.  “There is no Rudolph here.”

     A few minutes later, the phone rang again, and someone asked, “Hey, is Rudolph there?”

     “There is no Rudolph here,” she said.  “Wrong number.”

     She had barely hung up when the phone rang again.  “Hey, call Rudolph to the phone, would you?” said the voice on the other end.

     “There’s no Rudolph at this number!” she snapped.  She was breathing deeply, trying to get her temper under control when the phone rang again.

     “Yes?” she demanded.

     “Hi!  (          ).”

J4.”I fell over a hundred feet today.”

“Were you on a cliff?”

“No.  (          ).”

     J5.”I just read a fascinating study about baldness.  It seems that those who get bald at the front of the head first are great thinkers, while those whose baldness develops at the back are great lovers.”

     “Well, what about those of us who are bald both places?”

     “You (          )”

J6.”Why are they building such a big fence around the cemetery?”

“(          )”

     J7.”I don’t see how you can tell those horrible jokes all the time.”

     “Well, that’s just my eccentricity.  We all have eccentric habits.”

     “I don’t.”

     “Oh, yeah?  Do you put milk in your coffee?”

     “I do.  But that’s not eccentric.”

     “Do you stir it with your left hand or your right hand?”

     “My right hand.”

     “Well, there’s your eccentricity.  (          )”

J8.”These three Irishmen walk into a bar….”

“I don’t listen to ethnic jokes.”

“Well, I can tell this one because my own grandfather was Irish.”

“Oh, really?”

“No.  (          )”

     J9.”What a holiday weekend!  I haven’t slept for days!”

     “You must be tired.”

     “No.  (          )”

     The folks featured above may have all the ANSWERS, but in case you didn’t, here they are.

     A1.A window

     A2.it doesn’t come down.

     A3.This is Rudolph.  Any messages for me?

     A4.On a bus.

     A5.Think about making love

     A6.People are dying to get in.

     A7.Most folks use a spoon.


     A9.I sleep nights.

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