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LIKE A MIGHTY QUONKER, Chap. 1

Sunlight rolled across the tawny, intermittently furred body of the cave girl. Her chin was up, her face turned away from the sun, and a bright red lower lip stuck out in an imperious pout. Matt turned the page. He reached for the diet Dr. Pepper that he always kept on hand whileContinue reading “LIKE A MIGHTY QUONKER, Chap. 1”

Did They Really…Yeah, They Did

For reasons we needn’t go into, the above has never been one of my favorite gags. But I believe it helps illustrate that our ancestors were not as shy about sex as we like to believe. (As noted hereintofore, that’s how they got to be ancestors.) This is a joke which makes absolutely noContinue reading “Did They Really…Yeah, They Did”

MIDWEEK FICTION: Terms and Condititions

“Are you Emir the Inexhaustible?” “You know the answer, sir. You were in here just last week. You brought in a wallet and I tried to turn you away because I can enchant only things I have never enchanted before, and wallets are always being brought to me.” “I thought I hadContinue reading “MIDWEEK FICTION: Terms and Condititions”

My Life in Pizza

I have never been able to join the debate between Chicago Pizza and New York Pizza. Or New Haven Pizza or deep dish pizza or tavern style pizza or thin crust pizza or ketchup-on-toast pizza (what your thin crust people call pizzas made with a breadlike crust). I have recently realized why this is. Continue reading “My Life in Pizza”

All-American G-Rated Cussin’

As I continue my hopeless quest to figure out why some writers a hundred years ago or thereabouts referred to a handgun as a “roscoe” (I keep waiting for Fatty Arbuckle to be the answer, but no one goes along with it) and my equally futile journey to find out what happened to theContinue reading “All-American G-Rated Cussin’”

CRUSHES OF YORE

I am not sure we have ever discussed in this space the phenomenon of the pin-up joke, a classic of humor for decades. Of course, you know what a pin-up is: THAT goes back for centuries (possibly millennia, depending on whether those cave paintings and ancient sculptures were offerings to a fertility goddess orContinue reading “CRUSHES OF YORE”

QUAINTUPLETS: The Horn of Mr. Horner

Mr. Horner owned a long, black car, which he loved. He washed it four times a week, and he polished the hood ornament and the chrome every day. Twice a month he took it to a mechanic named Harvey, who made sure the engine worked perfectly. Because there was nothing Mr. Horner likedContinue reading “QUAINTUPLETS: The Horn of Mr. Horner”

The King’s Leg Man

“Sir Comvent!” “Sire?” “I need a new pair of boots.” “I don’t suppose that means I will accompany Your Majesty to the cobbler’s shop.” “Perhaps you forgot, sir knight, that you speak to a king who pulled his sword from a stone.” “Perhaps Your Majesty forgets that Your MajestyContinue reading “The King’s Leg Man”

Having It Both Ways

A few months gone, we discussed in this space the concept of the trade card, a Victorian sales device issued by stores who realized that if people started collecting these, they would come to the store to see if a new one was ready. Getting someone into the store was half the battle, afterContinue reading “Having It Both Ways”

QUAINTUPLETS: Yvonne and the Princess

Once upon a time, there was a cow in a fairy tale. “What am I doing here?” she complained. “I don’t wear glass slippers, and I don’t have a basket of goodies for Grandma. I don’t believe I even have a Grandma. I can hardly trade myself for magic beans. If I could,Continue reading “QUAINTUPLETS: Yvonne and the Princess”