The Animal Fair

     Monday again already?  That day of the week when this blog turns away from postcards I have for sale and reflects on a book I couldn’t sell?  Why, yes!  Yes, it is!  Prepare for another quiz filled with old jokes devoid of punchlines, extracted from that quizbook I could not convince any publisher to use thirty years ago.

     Hey, if I ever finish with these jokes, I have a LOT of other books which never got onto the bestseller lists.  You’d better hope there are plenty of these vaudeville chestnuts to go around.

     This week we revisit the chapter on animal jokes: tales of things with tails, whether pets, farm livestock, or wild creatures.  Hum “The Teddy Bear Picnic” (one of a number of pop hits which were composed without words, which were added later.  That’s a whole nother blog.)  The answers, which I know you won’t need, will be found at the tail end of the article.

     J1.”I’m sorry, Ma’am, but I drove around the corner too fast and hit your cat.  I’m completely responsible for your pet’s death and I’ll gladly replace it.”

     “Yeah?  (          )”

J2.Gerald went to an estate auction and was much taken with a handsome parrot.  He put in a bid and immediately someone toward the front of the room raised him a dollar.  Gerald raised his bid, and his rival immediately followed suit.  It became a matter of pride, and Gerald bid furiously as the other bidder kept topping him.  Finally, having paid a good deal more than he expected to, Gerald emerged the winner.

     He looked at his new parrot.  “For that much money, you’d better be able to talk.”

     “I can talk,” said the parrot.  “(          )”

J3.In days of yore, movie studios simply dumped old prints of motion pictures: who would ever want to watch those old things again?  A couple of goats in Hollywood came across a pile of discarded reels of film and started to chow down.  “How do you like this?” said one of them, overjoyed at the heap of munchables.

     “Well,” the other goat replied, “Frankly, (          ).”

J4.An amorous worm said to the worm of his dreams, “You’re what I’ve been looking for all my life!  Let’s run away together!”

     “You dope.” Said his companion, “(          ).”

J5.The golf ball landed on top of an anthill.  The golfer swung, missed the ball, and sent a pound of sand and a hundred ants into the air.  His next swing had the same result.  “If we want to survive,” said one of the ants still in the anthill, “We’d (          ).”

     J6.”I think weasels are cute.”

     “Not me.  A weasel killed my grandfather.”

     “How could a weasel kill your grandfather?”

     “He was crossing the railroad tracks and (         ).”

J7.”The kangaroo is a native of Australia.”

“Good lord!  My daughter (          )”

     J8.The zookeeper saw his prize kangaroo leap over the bars of his cage and bound off through the gate.  He rushed to the kangaroo enclosure and demanded of the only person there, “What happened?”

     “I’m sorry,” said the little old lady, “I just tickled him a little with the end of my umbrella.”

     “Well,” said the zookeeper grimly, “You’d better (          ).”

J9.”If you were lost in the jungle and saw a lion, what steps would you take?”

“(          ).”

     J10.”Is it true that if you carry a lighted torch, alligators won’t attack you?”

     “That depends (          )”

I hope you are properly armed with all these ANSWERS.  It’s a jungle out there.

     A1.How are you at catching mice?

     A2.Who do you think was bidding against you?

     A3.I liked the book better.

     A4.I’m your other end!

     A5.better get on the ball

     A6.didn’t hear the weasel.

     A7.wants to marry one!

     A8.tickle me in the same place.  I have to go catch him.

     A9.Long ones

     A10.on how fast you carry it

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