On the Road Again

    Oh, let us pause for another collection of old jokes.  If I contribute nothing else to twenty-first century society, I will at least have invented a new reason to dread Mondays.  This selection from my brilliant but unpublished book So I Bit Him! Deals with jokes about travel.  As ever, the punchline has been omitted, so you can supply from memory the ending of this antique fragment of bygone humor.  These will be provided at the end, just to see if you phrased it better than I did.

J1.Bob, standing at the airport surrounded by bags and suitcases, was furious.  “Did you have to bring every piece of clothing you own?  Every pair of shoes?  Every bottle and jar from the bathroom cabinet?”

    “We’ve been looking forward to this trip for five years,” Kathy told him.  “I didn’t want to spoil it by forgetting something.”

    “Well, I wish you’d brought the piano!”

    “Oh, stop being sarcastic.”

    “I’m not.  (         ).”

J2.Quincy stepped up to the counter at the bus station.  “I’d like a round-trip ticket, please.”

    :Where to?”

    “(          )”

J3.I just flew in from the Coast and (          ).

J4.Bob and Kathy did finally get on their flight, the fastest new passenger plane in the air.  After half an hour, the pilot’s voice came over the intercom.  “I have good news and bad news,” he said, “Our navigational computer has just blinked off, and we have no idea where we are.  But the good news is (          ).”

J5.Aunt Clara was taking a plane trip for the first time, and glanced out the window.  “My goodness!” she said, “Those people look ,like ants from up here!”

    “Ma’am,” said the stewardess, “(          )/”

J6.Velvet and Sissy were on an ocean cruise, and were gazing across the sea.  “Look at all that water!” Velvet exclaimed.

    “Yes,” said Sissy, “(          ).”

J7.Bob and Kathy got to their hotel.  “We’d like a room with a bath,” said Bob.

    The clerk said, “(          ).”

J8.”I’m sorry,” the hotel clerk told Bambi.  “We’re completely booked up.  Not a single room is available.”

    “You mean to tell me,” Bambi replied, “If the President of the United States walked in here, you’d tell him to go away because you didn’t have a room for him?”

    “No, if the President came in, we’d find him something.”

    “Good,” said Bambi.  “(          ).”

J9.When Bob and Kathy got home, Bob sat down and wrote a long letter of complaint to his hotel manager, noting that he and Kathy hadn’t gotten any sleep at all for all the bedbugs in the mattress.  Just five days later, he got a reply from the CEO of the hotel chain, offering deep apologies.  Such an outrage had never happened before, and the manager involved would be severely reprimanded.  Bob was gratified until he looked in the envelope and found a small slip of paper that said “(          )”.


A1.I’m not.  The tickets are on it.


A3.And are my arms tired!

A4.We’re making excellent time!

A5.Those are ants.  We haven’t taken off yet.

A6.And that’s just on top!

A7.I can give you the room but you’ll have to take your own bath.

A8.He can’t come.  Give me his room.

9.Send this jerk the bug letter.

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