Set ‘Em Up Again

I didn’t plan to do this every Monday, but I felt that, having done this together last week, we needed to get back on before we developed a fear of it.  This is the second in a series of excerpts from my unpublished bestseller, So I Bit Him!, a book of really, really old jokes with their punchlines removed.  If you are read up or listened up on comedy work, these jokes should be known to you.  UNLESS, of course, in the time which has passed since I wrote the book, these jokes have all gotten SO old that they’re new again, in which case, you get to learn some new ones.

    Anyway, having rationalized recycling an unpublished book, here we can look over some of the gags from chapter 2, again with the answers tucked in at the end.  These are old gags which concern the drinking of spirituous liquors, something attributed in legend to Noah, who invented wine after the Ark landed, and whose undutiful son scrawled the first joke about it the next morning.  No one knows exactly how old these jokes are, but that’s not what we’re asking.

    J 1.Sally knew she couldn’t trust her husband to do the grocery shopping, but she was busy that morning.  She was shocked when he came home bearing eight bottles of whiskey and a loaf of bread.  “Good Lord, you jerk!” she said, “(          )”

    J 2.Ladislaus walked into a bar, where a horse was serving the drinks.  He stood there openmouthed until the horse turned to him and said, “What’s the matter?  Surprised to see me here?”

    “I’ll say,” said Ladislaus, “(          )”

    J 3.Toby had stopped to pass the time of day in Kip’s pub.  “How many barrels of beer do you sell in a week?” he inquired.

    “Fifty,” said Kip, proudly.

    “Not bad,” said Toby.  “But I can tell you how to sell a hundred.”

    “How?”  Kip demanded.

    “Easy,” said Toby, “(          )”

    J 4.Vince finished his drink and told the bartender, “That was excellent: just what I needed.  To show my appreciation, I want you to have this.”  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a lobster.

    The bartender looked this over.  “Well…I guess I could take it home for dinner.”

    Vince shook his head.  “(          )”

J 5.Lester bragged he was the world’s finest judge of wine, so his friends put him to the test.  After blindfolding him, they handed him a glass, which he sniffed and then sampled.  “That’s a Philomathean Rose, ’96,” he said.  “Excellent for after dinner.”  He was correct about this and, indeed, the next eight wines they passed him.  Then Meredith, nodding to the others, handed him a glass of water.

    He sniffed the bouquet and then took a sip, rolling the liquid around his mouth.  He swallowed it and frowned.  Then he said, “(          )”

    J 6.”And how are you this fine day, Barry?” asked the bartender as one of his regulars came in and leaned on the bar.

“Not so ipsy-pipsy, Roger,” Barry told him.  “Just came from the doctor and he said I had a third-degree case of yoors.”

    “What’s yoors?” asked the man on the next barstool.

    Barry told him, “(          )”

    J 7.In the days of the Old West, when men were men or at least didn’t worry about it, a desperado marched into the Fork and Spoon Saloon and fired his guns into the ceiling for attention.  “All you lily-livered perfume-swilling sons of sows clear out!”  he fired his guns into the ceiling again and then pointed them at the crowd.

    There was a mad dash for the windows and emergency exits.  When the dust had cleared, one white-haired librarian was sipping beer at one table.  The desperado stomped back to him, guns ready..

    The librarian looked up and said, “(          )”

            Of course, you know all these ANSWERS, but in case you want to check your friends, here they are.

A1. ”What do you think we’re going to do with all that bread?”

A2. “Did the anteater sell the place?”

A3. ”Fill the glasses.”

A4. “He’s had dinner.  Take him to a movie.”

A5. “I don’t recognize it.  But it’ll never sell.”

A6. “Whiskey neat, thanks.”

A7. “Sure were a lot of them, weren’t there?”

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