“Mighty big nuggets thus time, sir.”
“I know it. Just weigh ‘em out and give me scrip to take to the bank.”
“Of course, sir. Your weekly delivery of gold has been the making of our establishment. My wife and I….”
“Dadgum it!”
“I’m sorry, sir. I keep forgetting.”
“Nothing against your good…lady, Milligan. Jus’ brings back memories of…other…wives.”
“I would not wish to cause any pain, good sir, to someone who has been the mainstay of our finances here. I have hired more help, and we are now one of the most respected assay offices in the territory.”
“Okay by me. Just weigh it out, can you?”
“Certainly, sir. These really are high quality….”
“Fine. Lemme get my victuals and such and get back to the cabin.”
“Sir?”
“I said I want to get back home.”
“You know you will be followed again, sir?”
“If ever’one in the dadblasted county don’t know where I live by now, they’re welcome to waste their time. Long as you don’t waste mine.”
“The mayor hired a priest to check whether your home is the center of evil magic.”
“And he’s welcome to waste his money.”
“You never go out to mine anywhere, and never have any guests but those guards you hired. And they’re tight-lipped about where you find all this gold.”
“They don’t know. I pay ‘em not to get curious.”
“I don’t suppose, sir, that you could put my mind to rest about whether such a supply of fine gold is legally obtained. I will not breathe a word, even to my…spouse.”
“Magic beans.”
“If you don’t wish to tell me, sir….”
“If you don’t wanna listen, it’s no extra sand in my boots.”
“I hope I have not insulted you, sir, by my….”
“Had a mine miles south of town. Ever’body knows that.”
“Yes, sir. It hasn’t been worked in months.”
“Pulled out a couple ounces of dust once, headed back to town. Hot day. Got lost an’ went ‘round in circles ‘til this jasper comes by, gives me a swig of water, offers to swap magic beans for my poke.”
“Magic beans, sir.”
“Magic beans. I wanted another swig from his canteen so I swapped. Got home, planted the beans. Figured I might save myself buying a couple cans at Finley’s. Beans grew up overnight, right up toward the sun, and I climbed until I came out next to this castle. like.”
“And there you found a goose that laid golden eggs, sir?”
“Didn’t go in the castle. Didn’t like the looks of it. Either gimme my scrip and laugh after I leave or listen up.”
“Sorry, sir.”
“I look around for something more my style, and there’s this shed, ten times as tall as me, with the door open a crack. I slides in and I sees all this silver wire all over everyplace. Like spider webs, it was, only when I brush up against it, it’s solid silver.”
“No kidding?”
“Just what I said. And a voice says ‘Hush! Don’t wake the…wife.”
“And who….”
“I look around and at the top of one of these big old webs is this spider the size of your shop window. I tips my hat and says I likes his webs but I wasn’t fixing to try and take any home with me.”
“A prudent move, sir.”
“Says he don’t care. He’s got plenty, being the spider that spins silver webs. His…wife might get upset, though. She’s got a nasty sting about her, he says, and it casts spells on folks, He told me about this goose that laid the golden eggs and a cow that gave silver milk and a pig with streaky gold and silver bacon.”
“Amazing!”
“I said that. Shouldn’t’ve. Feel this stab in one arm an’ I looks up to see this spider twice as big’s the man of the house. She don’t look happy, so I ducks out, shins down the beanstalk, and chops it up for kindling.”
“But how does….”
“Ever since, I takes care not to get too far from my own chamber pot by the bed at home. Them big nuggets you seem to like…well, gimme my scrip and tell me if you’d ruther I took my homemade gold over to Sweeny’s Assay Office instead.”
“Thank you for the interesting story, sir. I hope to see you again next week. I guess your gold’s no dirtier than what the mayor brings in.”
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