We honestly do, alas, creep closer and closer to the last jokes in my Old Joke Quizbook. Yes, I heard some of you sigh with relief, but reflect on this, Turnip Taco. I have already decided which of my books I will serialize next. We can hold that sorry fate off only so long as we have elderly japes and jibes to put in this space on a Monday.
Anyway, I was explaining why this is sort of a Miscellaneous Monday. These are odds and ends from the last pages of chapters, and do not show the exquisite sorting and classification for which I am legendary. Yeah, you can go look up “Legendary Sorters” if you like, but the jokes will still be waiting, with the unnecessary answers at the end.
J1.”So, like I was sayin’, them Bears was on the ten yard line and they was gonna….”
“You are hopeless! Don’t you know the King’s English?”
“Yeah. ( )”
J2.”As your doctor, I need to tell you to hive up all that smoking, drinking, nd running around with women.”
“Will I live to be a hundred?”
“No. ( )”
J3.”That curve on the hill just outside your town is mighty dangerous. I’m surprised you don’t have a warning sign.”
“Well, we DID have a sign up there for a couple of years, ( )”
J4.It’s the kind of job cub reporters get. Jeremy was at the local assisted living building interviewing the oldest men there, inquiring after the secrets of long life.
“Well, now,” said a white-haired man who had walked in leaning on a cane, “I never touched alcohol in any form, not so much as a sip. That’s how I got to be ninety-five.”
“Something the same with me,” said another, a bald man who had come to the interview with a walker. “I avoided tobacco my whole life. That’s how I figure I made it to ninety-eight.”
A bald man with scraggly white whiskers piped up from his wheelchair. “Not me. I drank enough to float a goat, smoked all kinds of stuff, legal and not, never got to bed before three A.M., and maybe I shouldn’t even mention sex, since the subject didn’t come up, but I kept mighty busy along those lines, too.”
“Amazing,” said Jeremy. “And how old are you?”
The man leaned back in his chair to take a deep breath before answering, “( )’
J5.”Doc, my right leg hurts.”
“Probably just old age.”
“But, Doc, ( )”
J6.”Doc, my hearing’s getting so bad I can’t hear myself cough.”
“Take these pills.”
“Will they improve my hearing?”
“No, but ( )’
J7.”I finally had to break down and buy a hearing aid. Not one of those you see on late night TV commercials. I went through medical channels and got the best model money can buy.”
“What kind is it?”
J8.Old Mr. Wrinklerag, who had built a tailor shop into a major fashion industry, was reaching the end, lying in a hospital bed under an oxygen tent as his son stood by. “I don’t have much time left, son,” said the billionaire. “I’m leaving everything to you, of course.”
“Don’t talk that way, Dad,” said his son. “You’ve made amazing recoveries before.”
“Not this time, my boy. I’ve told the lawyers it’s all yours, even my secret Swiss bank account, those three houses I kept hidden for any super models who needed personal attention. There’s even a map to wear I buried a chest of diamonds, just in case the government collapsed and I needed something besides paper money. The cryptocurrency is all going to be yours, too, of course.”
“Dad, Dad, stop!” the young man sobbed, “I know you’re going to make it! And through all this, and with everything you’ve done for me, there’s absolutely nothing I can do for YOU.”
“Actually, there is something you can do, Son,” said Mr. Wrinklerag. “( )”
I don’t say these will satisfy all those of you who go onto the Interwebs seeking ANSWERS, but here they are.
A1.So’s the Queen!
A2.But it’ll feel like it
A3.But nobody died so we took it down
A5.My left leg’s just as old and it doesn’t hurt
A6.They’ll make you cough louder.
A7.Abbout 9:30 A8.Get your foot off that oxygen tube