So here it is Monday again and it is time for our Old Joke Quiz. What? Wednesday? Well, yes, I know that, but I didn’t want to break with tradition. Anyway, the old jokes are two days older now, so you’re getting your money’s worth.
This week, we return to fine traditional gags featuring children and their various pursuits while outside the school building. These are just as disreputable as their pursuits IN school, but it’s their parents who have to deal with them, or other innocent bystanders. (If you consider the parents to be innocent bystanders, of course. My mother always admitted it was her fault for deciding to have children in the first place. “I could have had guppies!” she would remind us.)
J1.Rodney was walking to work when he spotted a rough wooden box which bore the sign “Puppies, One Million Dollars Each”. A small boy sat behind the box, while a half dozen fuzzy bundles slept in a wire cage next to him.
“Are those your puppies?” he asked.
“Until somebody buys ‘em,’ said the boy.
“Are the pedigreed?” Rodney inquired.
The boy pointed at the sign, “They’re puppies!”
Rodney nodded. “How many do you expect to sell at a million dollars apiece?”
“Well,” the boy said, “At that price ( ).”
J2.On his way home that night, Rodney passed the same yard, and found the boy still sitting behind the box. But now the sign said “Oatmeal Cookies, $100 each.”
“Gave up on selling puppies, huh?” he said.
“Nope,” said the boy. “Sold ‘em all.”
“I see. At a million dollars apiece?”
The boy replied with a sharp nod. “Yup. Every single one.”
Rodney stepped back. “You mean you sold six puppies for a million dollars each? In cash, or did they write you a check?”
“Neither,” the boy told him. “They ( )”
J3.Tommy was bragging about his family’s many talents. “My Uncle Tim plays the piano by ear.”
“That’s nothing,” said Velma. “My grandpa ( )”
J4.A hundred years ago or thereabouts, a father called his son before him and said, “My boy, I know last night was Halloween, and of course a lot of pranks get played at Halloween. Did you tip over our outhouse as a part of the general festivities?”
The boy stood straight and tall, looking Dad in the eye. “Father,” he said, “I cannot tell a lie. I did it.”
His father nodded, snatched up a hairbrush he had been keeping handy, and gave the boy the spanking of his life. When he was done, the tearful boy said, “But, Pa, I told the truth, just like George Washington did when he chopped down the cherry tree. And his pa didn’t spank HIM!”
“No,” said his father, “But ( ).”
J5.”Remember, son, whatever you do in life, you will become a success if you just start at the bottom and keep working your way up.”
“Is that right, Pa? What if I ( )?”
J6.”Drive you to the mall, drive you to the swimming pool, drive you to school: you don’t get enough exercise, with your mother and me driving you everywhere. When I was your age I thought nothing of a nine mile walk.”
“Well, Pa, ( ).”
J7.”Bah! With all your modern conveniences, you kids today don’t know what good hard work is!”
“That’s true, Pa. ( )”
J8.”Furthermore, it’s shocking that you spend every penny of your allowance on snacks at the store or fast food at the drive-in. You never give a thought to donating any to charity, to make the world around you a better place.”
“That’s not fair, Dad. Just yesterday I gave five dollars to a man who was crying.”
“Really? A man who was crying?”
“Yes, sir. He was crying ( )”
J9. The kids are being really quiet. I’d better go see what they’re doing ( ).
Even if this is Wednesday and not Monday, I’ll bet your wits are as sharp as ever and you don’t need these ANSWERS. But just to show we observe the same rules in the middle of the week, here they are.
A1.I only need to sell one.
A2.swapped me a six million dollar cat.
A3.fiddles with his whiskers
A4.George Washington’s father wasn’t sitting in the tree when George chopped it down.
A5.I get a job digging wells
A6.I don’t think much of it myself
A7.I don’t know what good it is
A8. Ice Cream Five Dollars!
A9.And make them stop.