So we arrive, once again, at Monday. If you did not spend your weekend at the Newberry Library Book Fair, well, you missed it. It was a post-pandemic affair, a bit watered-down from previous concoctions, but there were still books for sale at popular prices. If you were unable to tear yourself away for it, this Old Joke Quiz is here to console you with tales of other things people do in their free time. If you have enough time, you can check the ANSWERS below, but I;m sure you won’t actually HAVE to do so.
J1.Jerry was an awful bore, but people came to his parties because he stocked very good liquor, even though this meant listening to his stories. “There,” he said, pointing to a mounted bear’s head on the wall. “Did I ever tell you how I bagged Old Grizzle? I was down to my last bullet. It was a case of him or me.”
“Well,” said Susan, “He ( )”
J2.”What about you?” Jerry asked another guest, later. “You ever hunt bear?”
“No,” said Tim, “( )”
J3.There’s so much game in Africa that the hunting’s great. One night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. ( )”
J4.”You’re suire tjios is a safe place to swim?” the tourist asked the guide, as he left his clothes on the bank. “No alligators out there?”
“No, sir,” said the guide, “) _”
J5.”Coming to the big game to see the Red Sox and the Yankees fight for the pennant?”
“No, thanks. I know what the score will be before the game even starts.”
“Sure. ( ).”
J6.At halftime, the home team was trailing the Fighting Peacocks by seven touchdowns, so the coach stood up in front of the players in the locker room and said, “The way you guys are playing, we’d better go over some basics. Lesson one: this here is a football. Lesson two….”
“Coach, Coach, please!” came a voice from the back, “( )”
J7.Bob and Bambi got stuck in traffic on the way to the big game. Bob was grumbling to Bambi about the other drivers all the way. They finally got to their seats in the third quarter. “What’s the score?” Bob asked the man in the next seat.
“Nothing to nothing,” the man said.
“Oh, good,” said Bambi. “( )”
J8.Sarah and Thea were wandering through the annual art fair, admiring the cedar windchimes and the photographs of balloon animals. At a booth hung with dozens of paintings on black velvet, they stopped short. There, nearly lifesize, was a painting that lseemed to be Sarah, in the nude, in a position which could only be described as indiscreet.
“Hood grief!” Thea exclaimed. “You didn’t pose for that, did you?”
“Certainly not,” snapped Sarah. “( )”
J9.Steve dropped in at the studio of his old friend, an artist whose paintings hung in several galleries. His buddy had just finished work for the day and was washing up. Steve stepped over to the new painting on the easel and reached out to touch the nose of the figure.
“Don’t!” said his friend. “Can’t you see the paint’s still wet?”
“Oh, it’s okay,” Steeve said. “( )”
J10.The party had been going on for some time when the host walked to a closet and brought out a tuba. “Bought this about a year ago, and I’m getting pretty good. I can play songs that will make you weep, or I can play lullabies that will put a baby hummingbird to sleep. I can even tell time with it.”
“How?” demanded one of his guests.
The host raised the instrument and performed a few bars of “Beer Barrel Polka”. Sure enough, ( )
J11.Bambi was practicing her trombone, playing “Who Threw the Overalls in Mrs. Murphy’s Chowder?” The phone rang and an angry voice demanded, “Do you know there’s a little old lady here trying to sleep?”
“No,” she said, “But ( )”
These jokes are just like old songs: you may think you remember all the lyrics, but you want to check the ANSWERS to see if you had the same words as the original.
A1.He certainly makes a better trophy
A2.I usually wear a jacket, atr least
A3.How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know
A4.The piranhas scare them all way
A5.Nothing to Nothing
A6.Not so fast!
J7.We haven’t missed anything
J8.He must have painted it from memory
J9.I have gloves on
J10.Someone banged on the wall and shouted “Hey, it’s two in the morning!”
J11.If you hum a few bars, I’ll fake it