Now, this is the third time in a row I am going to begin this column by opointing out that it is summer and, as Lewis Carroll decreed, what I tell you three times is true. It seems appropriate, then, in this time of vacations and warm leisure, to present a collection of old jokes dealing with the things people do when they’re off work. As always, the answers are hidden at the end, when you feel like going to the trouble of working that far down the page.
J1.”How was the game, honey?” the woman asked her husband as he set his golf clubs in the closet.”
“The worst,” he said. “It was hot, the golf cart wouldn’t work, and after playing four holes in that heat, Ted grabbed his chest and dropped dead.”
“Wow! How horrible.”
“I’;l say. After that ( )”
J2.The golfer was about to try a putt when, on the highway just beyond the ninth green, a funeral procession passed. He set the putter against his bag, took off his hat, and waited until the heatrse and the fifty or sixty cars behind it passed in slow procession. Then he addressed the ball and sank the putt.
“It was thoughtful of you to show respect like that,” said his partner.
“It was only right,” he replied. “After all ( )”
J3.”If you’re so bored,” Steve’s wife said, “Why don’t you play golf?”
“Ah, everyone’s busy today,” he told her.
“Why not call up Jim. He’s retired, too, so he should be available.”
“Huh! Would you play with someone who kicks your ball into the rough when you’re not looking, coughs whenever you putt, and refuses to count the swings where he misses the ball when he’s counting up his strokes?”
“I guess not.”
“Well, ( ).”
J4.Every Thursday, the foursome met for cards at Casey’s bar and Pizza. And, every Thursday they could depend on old Buck wandering over to watch, criticizing their play on every hand, expressing contempt for their lack of skill, and just generally making a nuisance of himself.
“We need to teach him a lesson,” said Bill, one Thursday. “Let’s start playing, but make up the game as we go along. Then he can’t criticize.”
The rest agreed, and when they saw Buck start in their direction, started a game in which each player was dealt eight cards. “Lemme see,” said Bill, “I’ll take one card and discard two. I think I have an ultrapong. I’ll bet ten.”
“Ha!,” said Jim, tossing down one card. “I’ll see you ten. Looks like I have a pippeck.”
“I can do better,” said Joe, pulling his cards to his chest. “I have a snozzle. I make it twenty.”
Tim tossed four twenties into the pot. “Well, I’ll raise you. I’ve got a spludge!”
Buck couldn’t take any more. “What are you doing?”
“Can’t figure it out, eh?” said Jim.
“No!” snapped Buck, “( )”
J5.Carl, carrying his rod and his tackle box, stopped at the store on his way home. He told the man behind the meat counter. “Wrap up two trout. And can you throw them over the counter to me?”
“Sure thing,” said the butcher. “But why?”
“Headed home,” said Carl, “And ( )”
J6.The hunters trudged through the forest, becoming more and more convinced that their guide was leading them in circles. “Admit it,” said Tom, “You’re lost! And I thought you said you were the best guide in the state of Maine!”
“I am,” said their guide, “But ( )”
Set that frosty mug of root beer to one side, adjust your bag of chips, and check to see whether I have gotten the same ANSWERS you did.
A1.It was fourteen holes of Hit the ball, drag Ted, hit the ball, drag Ted….
A2.We were married for thirty-five years.
A3/Neither will Steve
A4.What kind of idiot raises a snozzle with a spludge?
A5.I want to tell my wife I caught them
A6.I think we’re in Canada now.