I hope you did not fear, when this blog took the holiday off last week, that we were out of old jokes. We have not yet reached that catastrophe. We have a few tales of other people’s catastrophes to try out on you first. As always, in case you catastrophically cannot remember the punchline to one of these antiques, those are tucked away below.
J1.Walter Prince opened his morning paper and found his own name and biography on the Obituary page. Once he had checked his pulse and found it to be there, he called the Gazette and demanded that the mistake be corrected.
“We never print retractions, sir,” said the editor. “But I’ll tell you what. Tomorrow ( )”
J2.”Boy, call me a cab.”
“Okay. ( )”
J3.The phone rang at three o’clock in the morning. “Hey, is this the Metro Auto Loans Company?” asked a voice.
“No,” said Rosemary. “This is a private home.”
“Oh, wow. I’m really sorry to have called you at this hour.”
“That’s okay. ( )”
J4.”Who was that lady I saw with you last night?”
“That was no lady. ( )”
J5.”Well, you are the first person to answer our Help Wanted ad, so we give you points on self-motivation. Now, where did you get your training for this kind of work?”
“That is excellent. And what is your name?”
J6.Andrew called in an investment consultant after he’d won the lottery. “I want to be intelligent about the money,” he said.
“Very wise, young man,” said the consultant. “You are aware, of course, that I charge one hundred thousand dollars to answer any two questions.”
“A hundred thousand! Isn’t that a lot of money to charge for just two questions?”
“Yes. ( )”
J7.”I know a man with a wooden leg, name of Smith.”
“Oh? ( )”
J8.”Do you serve crabs here?
J9.”Have you lived in Needleburg all your life?””
J10.Scott was finally able to take a break from his work at the bank and decided to make it worthwhile, with a nice long cruise. On the second day out of port, however, he was admiring the ocean when a massive wave swept up and washed him overboard. He yelled for help and was relieved to hear the cries of “Man overboard!”
A voice from the deck called out, “We’re coming, sir! Can you float alone?”
“Yes,” he called back, “But ( )”
J11.”And thus,” said the professor, “We see that all our best measurements point to an end of the universe as we know it in fifteen billion years.”
A hand shot up in the audience. “How many years?”
“Whew! ( )”
J12.”You have an impressive resume. Now, why did you leave your previous job?”
“Yes. ( )”
I know while these people were caughts in their various dilemmas, you had all the ANSWERS, but here they are anyhow.
A1.We’ll list you in the Births column.
A2.You’re a cab.
A3.I had to get up anyway to answer the phone.
A4.That was my wife.
A6.Now what is your second question?
A7.What’s the name of his other leg?
A8.We serve anybody, sir. Sit down.
A9.Not so far.
A10.is this any time to talk business?
A11.I thought you said fifteen million.
A12.The boss was sick of me.