The Best Medicine

     And here we are at the last Monday in the first half of the year.  We can look over the months of January through June and consider the joys of six more months of the joys of….okay, be that way.  Maybe I should have waited for the last Tuesday of June.

     In any case, it is time for another Old Joke Quiz and, at that. Another Old Joke Quiz about the world of Medicine.  No, I’m not sure why there were so many jokes in the book about doctors.  It may relate to my basic thesis about western human history, which started its joke campaign against doctors, lawyers, and priests some six or seven centuries ago.  These were men who spoke Latin, belonged to groups distinguished by higher learning and mysterious functions, and could send a layman through Hell, sometimes literally, in the case of the priests.

     But that can all wait for some day other than Monday.  We must get on with the Quiz.  Once again, the missing punchlines, which you can surely provide with a prescription, are tucked away below.

     J1.”Gentlemen,” said the professor to the medical students, “Here we have a patient who limps.  Examination shows that he has one leg longer than the other.  Mr. Bailey, what would you do in such a case?”

     “Hmmm,” said the student.  “I guess (          ).”

J2.”The doctor is here to see you.”

     “Tell him (          ).”

J3.Midway through a Broadway play, a man in the third row jumped up and shouted, “Is there a doctor in the house?  Is there a doctor in the house?”

     Action stopped onstage.  A man in a balcony rose and announced, “I am a physician.”

     The man who had shouted looked up at him.  “(         )”

J4.”I think I need glasses.  Ever since I turned sixty-four when I stand up, I see spots before my eyes!”

     “Hmmmm.  Have you seen your usual doctor?”

     “No.  (          )”

J5.”Have your eyes ever been checked?”

      “No.  (           )”

J6.”What do you charge to pull a tooth?”

     “Three hundred seventy-seven dollars.”

     “What?  For two minutes’ work?”

     “Well, if you prefer, (          )”

J7.”Open wide and say ‘Ahhh.’  Open wider, please.  Still wider…..”

     “Doc, (          )”

J8.Midge ran I into Barbie and said, “So how’s your Uncle Bart?”

     “Not good,” said barbie, “He’s been awfully sick for months.”

     “Tut tut,” said Midge, “Didn’t you see that study which proves ninety percent of all illness is caused by negative thoughts?  He just THINKS he’s sick.  You should tell him that.”

     A week later, Midge saw barbie at Louis Vuitton.  “So how’s your Uncle Bart nowadays?”

     “Not so good,” said barbie.  “Now (          )”

J9.My doctor told me I had to start living the straight and narrow life or die, and gave me a list of things I had to give up.  So the first week I cut out smoking.  The second week I have up drinking.  The third week I cut out dating.  The fourth week I cut out (          ).

     J10.”I just read an article that went into all the health hazards of smoking, that went into all the horrible long-term effects of nicotine addiction, and the poisons you inhale with all that smoke.  So I’m giving it up.”

     “You’re finally going to give up smoking!”

     “No.  (          )”

J11.”The best thing for you, Mr. Gotlots, would be to give up smoking and drinking, stop seeing that twenty year-old secretary of yours after hours, and lose about sixty pounds.”

     “Doc, (           )”

If any of these stumped you, I can give you the email address of a doctor; they always have all the ANSWERS.


D limp, too.

     A2/I’m too sick to see anybody

     A3.How do you like the show, Doc?

     A4.Only spots

     A5.Always blue

     A6.I can do it very slowly

     A7.If you’re getting in, I’m getting out

     A8.He thinks he’s dead

     A9.paper dolls


     A11.I don’t deserve the best.  What’s second best?

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