I have warned you before, and though that exigency is not imminent, I will remind you that we are running out of the old jokes with which I filled my joke quizbook back in the last century. Once we have completed all of that, I will have to think of another way to brighten your Mondays. (If you were fretting about it, I DID receive your little tribute, which you sent in gratitude. The bomb squad hauled it away, but it’s the thought that counts, right?)
Anyway, this is another collection of jokes made up of odds and ends of categories which don’t have enough elderly gags to fill a blog by themselves. The answers for this assortment are tucked in at the end of the blog, where I know you won’t look because you are so familiar with these antique japes.
J1.”Yes, we furnished this entire room with bargains we got with soap coupons.”
“Are you going to do the other rooms the same way?”
“Nop. ( )”
J2.”I’d like a bar of that new, improved bath soap.”
“Yes, sir. We have several varieties. Do you want it scented?”
“No. ( )”
J3.”I need a nice, long book. I’m going on a trip and I expect to be sitting in airports for a while.”
“Well, we have a good variety. Here’s an old favorite, The Kentucky Cardinal.”
“Oh, I don’t like religious novels.”
“You don’t understand: the cardinal is a real bird.”
J4.Bob walked into a country store while on vacation, and glanced at a kitten drinking milk out of a saucer. He realized with some shock that the saucer was actually a cup plate of the late eighteenth century, with a value in four figures. Not wanting to alert the ctore owner to his, he called, “Hello, sir!. What a cute kitten! Would you consider selling me that kitten for a dollar?”
The man glanced at the animal. “I don’t know. My daughter’s really attached to the critter.”
“I’ll make it five,” Bob said, holding out the money.
The proprietor reached out reluctantly. “Well, all right, I guess.”
Bob scooped up the kitten and reached for the saucer. “Since the kitten’s used to drinking out of this, I’ll just take it along to make my place seem more like home.”
“No thanks,” said the store owner. “( )”
J5.”Hey, you’re putting that saddle on backwards!”
“Huh! ( )”
J6.Emmett and Garrett bought a pair of excellent horses, but had trouble remembering which was which. They decided Garret should dock his horse’s tail, and then they’d know it wasn’t Emmett’s. It worked, but one day Emmett’s horse got its tail caught in a gate, and the tails were the same length again.
So Emmett decided he would cut a notch in his horse’s left ear, just big enough so they could tell the difference. But it wasn’t a week before Garrett’s horse was grazing and ran into an irritable possum, and that possum bit the animal’s klett ear so it perfectly matched the other horse’s ear.
They told their neigjbor about their problems, and the old farmer said, “Well, why don’t you measure ‘em?”
This turned out to be just the thing. They measured both horses and, sure enough, ( )
J7.”This is my new space shuttle. I’m going to offer people rides into the sun.”
“The sun? You’ll all burn up!”
“Oh, I’ve got that figured out. ( )”
J8.Buck was hauling his new grandfather clock out of the shop and bumped into a lady who was coming in. She glared at him and snapped “( )”
I should probably ask YOU which of my books to serialize next on Mondays, since I know you have all the ANSWERS.
A1.They’re full of soap.
A2.I’ll take it with me.
A3.I don’t care about his private life
A4.From that one saucer, I’ve sold thirty-six kittens.
A5.You don’t even know which direction I’;m going
A6.The white horse was four inches taller than the black horse.
A7.We’ll go at night!
A8.Why don’t you just wear a wristwatch?