Here it is Monday, and I’m thinking of Tuesdays. For reasons I could no doubt Google but would prefer to make up myself, Tuesdays are the traditional days for elections. Many states are holding their primaries this month, a secondary sort of election. All of which makes a convenient lead-up to today’s Old Joke Quiz, which comes from the chapter on Political Jokes. See if you can recollect the punchlines of these aged bits of political humor. If you can’t come up with an answer, so investigative team will be required, as the answers are appended below.
J1.The postmaster opened a letter addressed merely “God” and found a message from a small boy, who wrote “God, Dad lost his job, and Mom needs an operation, and we need a hundred dollars real fast or we’ll get thrown out of this house.” He forwarded the letter to his supervisor in Washington, D.C., who was moved to pass it along up the ladder until it reached the Postmaster general, who was so touched by the missive that he shoved a ten dollar bill into an envelope and sent it to the return address on the envelope.
Not long after, the postmaster in the small town found another envelope addressed to God. He opened it and read, “Dear God, thanks for the money Next time, though, ( ).”
J2.”Don’t go in there. Congressman O’Brien’s been talking for an hour now.”
J3.”Sir, we’re raising money to pay for the funeral and a suitable tomb marker for Senator Cassidy. Would you donate ten dollars to bury a Senatir?”
“Here’s a hundred bucks. ( )”
J4.”Under the new government we will create,” cried the soapbox orator, “All citizens will be able every day to eat strawberries and cream!”
A heckler shouted, “I don’t like strawberries!”
The speaker called back, “Under our government, Comrade, ( )”
J5.During the campaign, Ed :Rooster” Townsend was pushing his record as a successful businessman, claiming that anyone who had made as much money as he had was bound to know how to run a state. During the debate, his opponent, Ebenezer Terwilliger, allowed as how Townsend was indeed rich. “But there’s only one honest way to make that much money!”
Rooster Townsend leaned up to the microphone and said, “What is it?”
“Right,” said Terwilliger, “( )”
J6.Rooster Johnson toured the state on his campaign, and in one city, he ran across a stand where a boy was selling puppies. “What kind of puppies are those?” he asked.
“Republican puppies,” said the boy.
Rooster was pleased enough to hand the boy a dime. Coming back to the city a few days later, he passed the stand again with one of his campaign workers, and said, “Listen to this.” He stepped up to the stand and said “What kind of puppies do you have for sale?”
“Democratic puppies,” the boy said.
Rooster frowned upon him. “Son, just a few days ago, you told me these were Republican puppies. Why are the Democratic puppies now?”
“Well, sir, ( )”
J7.Ebenezer Terwilliger, meanwhile, was also moving around the state, interviewing votes, and asked one prosperous man whether he’d like to support the Terwilliger cause. “No, sir,” was the answer, “I like your looks, but I’ve always voted Republican. My father voted Republican, and my grandfather voted Republican.”
“Huh,” Terwilliger replied, “If your grandfather was an idiot, and your father was an idiot, does that mean you’d have to be an idiot?”
“No, sir,” said the man, “I’d be ( ).”
J8.When the election was held, the winner called his father to say, “Well, Dad, I won!”
His father was overjoyed. “Honestly?”
“Dad, ( ).”
Here, according to my own personal investigation, are the ANSWERS
A1.Don’t send the money through Washington. Those bozos took ninety percent!
A2.He hasn’t said.
A4.You will eat strawberries and like them!
A5.I was sure you wouldn’t know.
A6.Now they’ve got their eyes open.
A8.Why bring that up?