We gave you a Monday off for Memorial Day, which we hope you enjoyed traditionally, at the graveyard and the grill. But now we must get back to excerpts from this Old Joke Quiz Book, in which you supply the punchlines to these vintage japes. We are starting to run out of the original volume, and I now wish I had added a few more chapters. There’s not a thing on ancient off-color gags, nor was there a segment where you supplied the last line of antiquated jaunty poems. Well, next incarnation.
This week we are investigating another load of jokes which are forever young about children. Tommy, our classroom demon, is almost certainly here again, since wise guy humor goes back millennia. Some day, after the lottery comes through, perhaps I will do an in-depth study of the sarcastic know-iy-all in literature,. Just so some sarcastic know-it-all can tell me I got it wrong.
J1.”This spanking hurts me more than it does you.”
“Maybe so, Mom, but ( )”
J2.”Why can’t you behave?”
“I’ll be good for a quarter.”
“A quarter! Just to be good? When I was your age ( )”
J3.The little boy was rushing from shelf to shelf in the library, looking for books he hadn’t read yet, crying out in disappointment as he recognized things he’d had checked out before. “Young man,” said the librarian, “You’ll have to be more quiet! All these people over here can’t read.”
“Really? ( )”
J4.A woman walked up to the admission booth at the zoo and bought eight tickets. “My goodness!” said the cashier, looking at the children behind the woman, “Are those all yours, or is this a picnic?”
“They’re all mine,” the woman replied, “And believe me, ( ).”
J5.”Mom! Mom!” cried the little girl, “There’s a lion next door!”
“Now, Wendy, you know the neighbors were getting a new watchdog, and that’s all it is. I’ve told you ( )”
J6.”Now, see?” said Wendy’s mother, “That was a dog, and not a lion at all. Now, I want you to sit quietly in the corner for an hour and explain to God why you told such a terrible lie.”
Meredith sat in the corner for a while, but in five minutes, she was out of the little chair. “It’s okay, Mom,” she said, “I explained to God and He said, ( ).”
J7.”I think you should know that there will be an addition to the family. Your mother will soon be giving you a little brother or sister.”
“Well, Pop, if it’s all the same to you and Ma, ( ).”
J8.”How dare you reach all the way across the table for the bowl of cole slaw. Haven’t you got a tongue?”
“Sure, Pa, but ( )”
J9.”If you eat one more piece of rhubarb meringue pie, you’ll explode.”
“Thanks for the warning, Ma. Now pass the pie ( )”
J10.”Well, Scouts, what good deeds did you do today?”
“Me and Johnny and Billy and Fred and Freckles helped a little old lady across the street.”
“That was very nice indeed. But why did it take five of you?”
J11.I bought my son a watch that was waterproof, shockproof, and rustproof. He ( )
J12.The salesman asked the boy sitting on the front steps, “Is your mother at home?”
“Yup,” said the boy.
The salesman rang the doorbell, and knocked, and rang the doorbell again, to no avail. “I thought you said your mother was at home,” he said to the boy.
“She is,” the kid replied, “( )”
Like Tommy, you probably have all the ANSWERS, but here they are.
A1.not in the same place
A2.I was good for nothing
A3.I could read when I was three!
A4.it’s no picnic
A5/a million times not to exaggerate
A6.It’s okay; when I saw that dog for the first time, I thought it was a lion, too
A7.I’d rather have a pony
A8.my arm’s longer
A9.and get out of the way
A10.She didn’t want to go
A11.He lost it
A12.this isn’t our house