Ah, a Monday in the middle of May: what could be more…alliterative.  (Okay, a Saturday in the center of September.  WILL you stop footnoting my introductions?)  What subject would be more suitable for the latest Old Joke Quiz than Marriage?  (You’d prefer Sex on a Saturday in the Center of September?  Well, so would most people, but until then, you just have to read blogs.)

     As usual,. These are elderly jokes with the punchlines removed and sequestered in what is probably an unnecessary section of ANSWERS at the end.

J1.”I just lost my wife.”

“Gosh, that must be hard.”

“Hard? (          )”

     J2.”Dear, if I died, you wouldn’t let your next wife wear my clothes, would you?”

     “Of course not, Sweetheart.  (          )”

J3.”My wife just ran off with my very best friend.”

“Sorry to hear that.  Was it his looks or his money?”

“I don’t know.  (          )”

     J4.”It’s been a great party, but I’d better get myself back home.  I’d like to say goodbye to your wife.”

     “(         )”

J5.The man was rending his garment and tearing his hair at a gravesite.  “Why did you die?” he wailed, “Oh, why did you die?”

     A passerby stepped over to inquire, “Your mother, sir?”

     “My mother’s running a casino in Chicago.  Oh, why did you die, why did you die?”

     “Your father then?”

     “Haven’t seen my dad since I was three years old.  We think he’s in Toronto, trying to drink Canada dry.  Why did you die, oh, why did you die?”

     “A close friend?”

     “Never met him in my life.  Oh, why did you have to DIE?”

     “Who is it, then?”

     “(          )”

J6.Reginald dropped in at the club after summering at his country estate, and caught up on the news from the Club secretary.  When he saw Percival at the bar, he murmured, “I understand you buried your wife last month.”

     “Oh, yes,” said Percival.  “Had to.  (          )”

J7.Reginald found himself in a similar situation not long after that, and exerted himself to arrange a suitable funeral.  On the day of the memorial, the undertaker took him aside and said, “I’m very sorry, sir, but one of the cars we’d arranged to use for the procession has broken down.  I wonder if you’d mind riding in the same car with your mother-in-law.”

     “Very well,” said Reginald.  “If it must be, it must be.  But (          )”

J8.Henrietta wept into her hanky at the funeral home.  “This is the third husband I’ve lost,” she sobbed.

     “You certainly have been through a lot,” said the undertaker.  “How did you lose your first husband.

     “He died after eating poison mushrooms,” she sighed.

     “How unfortunate?  And your second?”

     She sighed again.  “He died after eating poisoned mushrooms.”

     “How horrible for you!  And your latest husband?  How did he die?”

     “He died of a crushed skull.  (          )”

I did not realize this particular quiz would be so morbid, but hey, that ALSO goes with a Monday in May.  Better luck in September.  Here are the ANSWERS.

     A1.It’s nearly impossible!

     A2.She’s not your size

     A3/Never met the guy

     A4.Who wouldn’t?

     A5.My wife’s first husband.

     A6.Dead, you know.

     A7.It will simply spoil the occasion for me,

     A8.He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms

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