On the Road Some More

     A recent expert on the subject discussed the use of postcards by our ancestors as documentary proof of travel.  Your postcard of Dundee, Iowa, postmarked in Dundee, showed you had actually visited that metropolis.  It was a signal to your relatives of your rich experience.

     I hope that doesn’t make you think I’ve forgotten this is Monday, and a day for another section of old jokes from my quizbook on the subject.  No, I am not neglecting my responsibilities; I’ve just hit a collection of elderly humor based on travel, and present these herewith.

     J1.The guide was showing the group of tourists around the elegant chateau.  “This chamber,” he said, “Has been preserved exactly as it was when King Charles visited it.  The wallpaper is four hundred years old, and the carpet dates to the sixteenth century.”

     “Huh,” said Tim.  “(          )”

J2.The tale is told of Simon Bolivar, legendary South American liberator, who was obliged to tour the world later in life so he could be subjected to all sorts of tributes from politicians who wanted to be associated with him and crowds that wished to toss flowers at him.  He had an employee whose job it was to make arrangements for these tours, and this man would frequently send word ahead to hotels of the great man’s requirements, reminding them that Bolivar required “a private room, quiet surroundings, good security around his sleeping quarters, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.”

     On arriving at one hotel, Bolivar was shown an elegant bedchamber with an attached private dining room.  Three elegant young ladies, obviously not from the hotel staff, curtsied to him.

     “And who are these?” he inquired.

     The manager informed him, “(     ).”

J3.Arthur had made a trip to see Paris, but the most astonishing thing he saw was his high school French teacher.  “So, Mr. Fallenhausen,” he said, “You finally made it here, too.”

     “I did,” said the old man, “But I wish I could have been here in the Sixties.”

     “When Paris was still Paris?”

     “No.  (          )”

J4.”Everything at our inn is authentic,” the manager told the couple checking in.  “Why, the table across the lobby goes back to Louis the Fifteenth.”

     “Huh,” said Paul, “If I spend much more on this trip, (          ).”

J5.Arthur was finding his high school French was not consistent enough in his memory to get him through Paris.  At one hotel, he told the manager, “Je voudrais…no, wait…voulez-vous…no, dang it…je vaudois….”

     “Pardon, Monsieur,” the manager told him, “Perhaps it would speed things up if I informed you that I do not speak French.”

     “Well, for Heaven’s sake!” said Arthur, “(          ).”

J6.The guide raised a hand to indicate the statue atop the sixty-foot column.  “And this, ladies and gentlemen, is where Warren fell.”

     “Golly,” said jeanette, “(          ).”

J7.At the same time, in another part of the world, a guide indicated a plaque on the deck of a famous ship.  “And this, ladies and gentlemen, is where Malory fell.”

     “Not surprised,” muttered Henry, “(          )”

J8.”Can you tell me how to get to Carnegie Hall?”

     “(          )”

J9.Helen was leaving Carnegie Hall, thrilled by the performance.  “And that thing by Mozart!  Wonderful!  Is Mozart still composing?”

     “No, Ma’am,” said the usher.  “Mozart is (          ).”

Even if you have never been to Dundee, Iowa, I expect you already know these ANSWERS.

     A1.Remminds me of my first apartment.

     A2.These are your three etceteras.

     A3.When Fallenhausen was still Fallenhausen

     A4.Our whole bedroom set is going back to Max the seventh.

     A5.Find me someone who CAN!

     A6.The drop must’ve killed him!

     A7.Nearly tripped over the blasted thing myself.

     A8.Practice, practice, practice.


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