And here we are again, on another Monday, preparing to face the week. What is the one thing you need to be fully prepared? A good breakfast? Aspirin? A few red jellybeans?
No, what we need is another old joke quiz? (If you knew the answer already, you are ready for both the quiz AND Monday.) These jokes come from the Miscellaneous chapter, so it’s a mix. Maybe a few funny ones got mixed in with the rest.
J1.”The professionals have traced my grandmother back to Charlemagne.”
“Yeah? ( ).”
J2.Once upon a time, we are told, a man walked past a newsstand and saw a large picture of Dame Edith Sitwell on the cover of a magazine, with her name in big letters underneath. “That’s a shame,” he said, “They shouldn’t ( ).”
J3.Ace walked into the store and asked a clerk, “Do you have any talcum powder?”
“Certainly, sir,” the clerk replied. “Walk this way.”
Ace watched for a moment and said, “( )”
J4.”Where were you until three this morning?”
“Was that when I came in?”
“Why didn’t you at least call to say you’d be late?”
“Didn’t I call?”
“And why do you always have to answer a question with another question?”
J5.”Your hair’s getting thin.”
“Well, ( )”
J6.”Um, why do you have a banana in your ear?”
“I asked why you have a banana in your ear?”
“Would you please tell me why you have a banana in your ear?”
“Sorry. ( )”
J7.”You just don’t have anything up north like what we’ve got back home in Texas. Everything’s bigger and better there. You know, I can get on a train at dawn, ride all day, and still be in Texas at sunset.”
“Oh, ( ).”
J8.Elroy’s wife was difficult to please. One year, for his birthday, she gave him two new neckties, a green one and a yellow one. Next morning, when he came to breakfast wearing an old black tie, she snapped, “Why didn’t you wear one of your new ties?”
“Well, Honeycomb,” he replied, hoping for a quiet breakfast, “That was such a wonderful party last night that I left all my presents in the living room, and didn’t think to go down and fetch one of those wonderful ties while I was dressing.”
“If you loved me at all,” she said, “You would have come down without a tie, and gone to the living room after breakfast.”
“Well, Dearlove,” he said, “You KNOW how I spill things. Why not spill on an old tie, and change into a new one after breakfast?”
She was still scowling, so without another word he left the table, strode into the living room, pulled out the yellow necktie, and changed it for his old one. “Satisfied?” he asked, returning to the table.
She burst into tears. “( )”
J9.Years ago, I went out for a career as a boxer. I did four rounds once with Muhammed Ali, and I really had him worried. ( )
I think today’s jokes were really of impressive vintage. (Contrary to popular usage, this means age, not quality.) But if you really need to check the ANSWERS, here they are.
A1.They traced an uncle of mine to Poughkeepsie once.
A2.ought to call a classy broad like that a dame
A3.If I could walk that way, I wouldn’t need the talcum powder
A5.Who wants fat hair?
A6.You’ll have to speak up. I have a banana in my ear.
A7.We have trains like that in Chicago, too.
A8.So you hate the green one!
A9.He thought he’d killed me.