It is Monday, and time for another old joke quiz. The theme for this Monday is one which has perhaps changed its name with the new century. Once these were known as moron jokes, or dumbbell jokes, or some such. I prefer, as someone who has frequently decided to save time by washing the dinner dishes before making dinner, to think of these as Original Thinkers. The answers, for those of you, er, original thinkers out there, will be found at the end.
J1.”I think this package is for this address, but the name is obliterated.”
“Can’t be for me, then. ( )”
J2.”This,” said the real estate dealer, “Is a house without a flaw.”
“Heavens!” said Maggie, “( )”
J3.”Can you help me look for a twenty dollar bill? I dropped it on the corner of Walton and Clark.”
“If you dropped it over there, why are you looking here?”
J4.Pete stood on the corner of Dearborn and Oak, opening and closing an umbrella while shouting “Pro sec ter qua!”
“What are you doing?” Jason inquired.
“This is an old Scottish spell,” Pete told him. “It keeps tigers away.”
“There aren’t any tigers for miles around here,” said Jason.
Pete said, “( ).”
J5.”I’d like two pounds of birdseed, please.”
“Certainly, Madame. What kind?”
“Well, I’d like ( ).”
J6.”Gosh, Terwilliger, it’s been twenty years at least since I saw you! You’ve changed. You’ve gotten a hair transplant, and lost about forty pounds, and I guess it must have taken three or four surgeries to fic up that old nose, eh?”
“My name’s not Terwilliger.”
“Gosh! ( ).”
J7.”You have your socks on inside-out.”
“I know. ( ).”
J8.”Those flashbulbs you sent for my old camera don’t work.”
“Impossible! ( ).”
“Yep, I bought ‘em for Ma. I’m writing a note to go with them now. ‘Dear Ma: HJere are….”
“My mom likes roses, too.”
“Huh! You don’t know anything about biography. Those are chrysanthemums.”
“I know roses when I see ‘em.”
“Well, they’re chrysanthemums.”
“How will you write that in your note?””
“Like anybody else. C-R-I…C-H-R-I…C-K-H…hey! ( )”
J10.”Why did you knit three socks?”
“They’re for my brother in the Army. He wrote to say ( ).”
J11.Ty and Gar were rehabbing an old house. As Ty measured the boards, Gar brought out the hammers and nails. Studying the bucket of nails, he frowned, and then started to throw some on the floor.
“What are you up to?” Ty demanded.
“You got gypped,” Gar told him. “Half these nails are pointing the wrong way!”
Ty came over and looked. “You sap,” he said. “( ).”
I know, I know. Most of us don’t need to read the ANSWERS but any excuse to make Monday go faster.
A1.My name’s O’Brien.
A2.What do you walk on?
A3.The light’s better here.
A4.See? It works! (Scholars would insist on pointing out the set-up line “There are no tigers in Scotland” as a suitable alternative, but we’re not scholars.)
A5.to grow robins and bluebirds
A6.You’ve changed your name, too?
A7.There’s a hole on the outside
A8.I tried them all out before I sent them
A9.What do you know? They ARE roses!
A10.He’s grown a foot since he signed up
A11.These are the nails for the other wall!