Lime + Coconut

     Here it is, the first Monday of Spring, a season of newness: new leaves, new baby animals, new flowers.  BUT it is universally regarded as a spirit of rebirth: those new buds are on old trees which have seemed dead over the winter, and those old lawns are born again and will need mowing in no time at all (barring a couple of April blizzards.)

    Yes, oh yes, this is another way of breaking it to you that we have returned to Old Joke Quiz Monday, and we will see some really antique jests coming into view.  No, it is NOT like a Zombie Apocalypse.  It’s all because of Spring.  And we return once again to one of the longest chapters in this book I tried to get published thirty years ago, the section on Medical Jokes.  We’ll prescribe ANSWERS, if needed, below this pile of Spring blossoms.

     J1.”I’d like a refill on these, please.”

     “I’m sorry, Madame.  We can’t refill that without a note from your doctor, since those pills have been identified as addictive.”

     “Addictive!  That’s silly: they aren’t addictive.  And I should know.  I’ve (          ).”

J2.”I need a bottle of an acetyl derivative of salicylic acid, please.”

“You want aspirin?”

“That’s right.  (          ).”

     J3.”Doc, come over quick.  I broke my leg in three places.”

     “You should (          ).”

J4.”You should go to the hospital and have a kidney removed.  You are really sick.”

“If you don’t mind, Doc, I’d like to get a second opinion.”

“Okay.  (          ).”

     J5.Kurt woke up in the hospital, feeling terrible.  “Oh no!  Did you bring me here to die?”

     “No,” said the nurse.  “We (          ).”

J6.”What do you think, Doc?  Will I be able to play the violin after my operation?”

“After a week or so, certainly.”

“Wonderful!  (          ).”

     J7.”First I had appendicitis, cirrhosis, and cholera.    Then they gave me penicillin, azulfidine, and lomotil.”

     “Sounds like you had a rough time.”

     “I’ll say.  (          ).”

J8.”I hear you had Kramer as a patient.  What did you operate on him for?”

“Twenty thousand dollars.”

“No, I mean what did he have.”

“(          ).”

     J9.”Doc, will my scar show?”

     “Well, Ma’am, (         ).”

J10.”Dr. Krankheit told me he’d have me walking within a week of surgery.”

“Did he?”

“Oh yes.  (          ).”

     J11.There is a classic story about Will Mayo, one of the siblings who founded the Mayo Clinic.  He was confronted one day by a pushy patient who demanded, “Are you the head doctor here?”

     “My brother is the head doctor,” he replied, “I’m (          ).”

J12.Dr. Krankheit worked his way through medical school as a waiter.  The first time he walked into the operating room, the patient gasped, “There you  are!  Do you think you can help me?”

     “Sorry,” he replied, “(          ).”

I provide these ANSWERS, even though I’m sure you know them, just in case you’;ve been looking out the window at the tulips.  (No tiptoeing until you put your coat on.  Doctor’s orders.)

     A1.been taking them every day for twenty-five years!

     A2.I never can remember that word.

     A3.stay out of those places

     A4.You’re ugly, too.

     A5.brought you in yesterdie

     A6.I could never play it before

     A7.Worst spelling bee I’ve been through.

     A8.Twenty thousand dollars

     A9.That’s up to you

     A10.I had to sell my car to pay the bill

     A11.the belly doctor

     A12.This isn’t my table

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