Today is, of course, National Pie Day, but since, as mentioned hereintofore, this is NOT a food blog, I shall save the dissertation on my mother’s pie recipes for another day. Anyhow, Monday is Old Joke Quiz Day around here.
So here is a collection of tart remarks (catch that one, did you? Ooh, you’re good.) The answers, should these not occur to you right away on a Monday morning, are tucked away below.
J1.”I see my buddy gave you a black eye.”
“Ah, you don’t even know the guy who did this?”
“Yeah? ( )”
J2.”So it’s a battle of wits you want, eh?”
“No way. ( )”
J3.”If you were my husband, I’d give you poison.”
“If you were my wife, ( ).”
J4.”How ‘bout them Hawks?” said the barber, as Mickey sat down in the chair. “Pretty good game, I thought. Hot today, isn’t it? Good for the corn, I suppose. “How’d you like your hair cut today, sir?”
Mickey smiled. “( )”
J5.”Doc, this liniment yougave me makes my arm smart.”
“Well, why don’t you ( )?”
J6.”I’ve changed my mind.”
“Good. ( )”
J7.Harlan was always borrowing things and “forgetting” to bring them back. When Jim saw Harlan at the door, he steeled himself to refuse the next request. He opened the door and Harlan said, “Hey, neighbor! You using your lawn mower today?”
“Why, yes,” said Jim. “I was just about to go out and mow the front lawn. Then I was going to mow the back yard, and after that I was going to go over to my mom’s place and mow her lawn. I guess I’;m going to be using that lawn mower all day.”
“Oh,” said Harlan. “Then ( )”
J8.”Put your ear up to this box.”
“Just put your ear to it and listen.”
“Okay. I don’t hear a thing.”
J9.”I’ve invented a pill that makes you smarter.”
“That could be useful.”
“I’ll let you try it for fifty bucks.”
“Fifty bucks? That’s…..”
“Guaranteed to make you smarter.”
“Okay, here’s your money. Let me take that pill. Looks like a plain aspirin, but here goes. Well, how long does it take?”
“It all depends. Wait and see.”
“Wait and see, eh? I think you’re a complete fake!”
J10.Lee, Lionel, and Leonard were lost in the woods and had been going in circles for days. Supplies were getting low and the men were down to their last hope. “Listen,” said Lee, “There’s no chance all three of us can survive this. We’re down to one salami and that’s not enough food for another day of this. Let’s pick one of us to eat it and go on while the other two just give up and wait for death. We can draw straws.”
“We ate the straws yesterday,” Leonard reminded him.
“Why don’t we sleep on it?” said Lionel. “We’ll have a contest. Whoever has the best dream tonight wins the salami.”
This seemed fair, so they settled in for the night, their rumbling stomachs singing them to sleep. In the morning, Lee said, “I guess I win the salami. I dreamt that I died and went straight to Heaven. They rolled out a golden carpet for me, and led me to the heavenly choir, where the director handed me the baton and said he could now retire. And then I led the heavenly choir in a mighty hymn of joy.”
“Not a bad dream,” said Lionel. “But I also dreamt I died and went to Heaven. They met me in a golden chariot so I wouldn’t have to walk, and I was taken to St. Peter’s office, where the saint told me what they’d been looking for was a really good bookkeeper, and I would get the job. My first job would be to see why the heavenly choir was spending so much. Tough dream to follow, I think. What about you, Leonard?”
“Well,” said Leonard. “I dreamed you two guys died and went to heaven. ( ).”
None of these smart guys are as smart as you are, of course, since you already know all these ANSWERS.
A1.Anyone who gives you a black eye is a buddy of mine.
A2.I’d never fight an unarmed man.
A3.I’d drink it. (one of Winston Churchill’s, ca. 1930)
A4.In silence (found in Plutarch, ca. 60 AD)
A5 rub some on your head
A6.Maybe this one will work
A7.Then I can borrow your golf clubs
A8.I noticed the same thing
A9.You’re smarter already
A10.So I got up and ate the salami