To Have and to Hold, To Gripe and to Scold

     What, is it Monday again already?  Well, you should have recovered from all the fried food we were discussing last week and be ready to tackle another onslaught of old jokes.  This week we go back into the chapter of jokes dealing with husbands and wives.  For those of you who have wondered to his blog for the first time, these are really ancient jokes which have had the punchlines removed.  If you are a true follower of bygone jests, you will not need to look at the answers for help.  And with any luck, you already know enough not to try these at home.

     J1.”That’s what worries me about you,” Maisie told her husband.  “For dinner on Monday, you liked pork and beans.  On Tuesday, you liked pork and beans.  Wednesday and Thursday you liked pork and beans for dinner.  Tonight (          ).”

     J2.”You know,” Rupert told Maisie, “That coat is way too short for you.”

     “Well,” Maisie replied, “It’ll be long enough (          ).”

J3.”Last night my wife dreamed she was married to a millionaire.”

“You’re lucky. (          ).”

    J4.Rupert and Maisie were barely speaking as they drove home from the party.  Rupert, thinking to get in a jab, remarked, “Was that you I kissed over by the bar?”

     Maisie looked at him.  “(          )”

J5.”Why don’t you bake the pies and cakes my mother used to make?”

“I will.  (          ).”

     J6.”There goes Marshall Silberwetter.  You know, his wife made him a millionaire.”

     “What was he before he married her?”

     “(          ).”

J7.Maisie went to a formal dinner with her parents, and was shocked, when the conversation at the table turned to gardening, to hear her father discussing the use of manure.

     “Nother,” she whispered, “Couldn’t you teach Father to behave in public, and say ‘fertilizer’?”

     “Honey,” said her mother, “(          ).”

J8.Rupert stumbled home at 3 A.M. after a party.  ““Lipstick on your collar!” cried Maisie, “Red hairs on your shoulder!  Now I know everything!”

     “Oh yeah?” said Rupert.  “(          )”

J9.”My wife talks to herself.  I think she’s nuts.”

“My wife talks to herself, too.  (         )”

     J10.”I hear Maisie’s husband beats her up every day.”

     “Not really!”

     “Yes.  (          )”

J11.”I never should have married you!” shouted Maisie.  “My mother was against it from the start!”

     “Was she?” said Rupert.  “(         )”

J12.Joey came running home from school.  “Dad!  Dad!” he shouted, “I got a part in the school platy!  I play a man who’s been married for thirty years!”

     “Don’t worry,” said Rupert.  “(          ).”

J13.Not every wife is like Maisie, of course.  Take my wife.  (         )

     J14.My husband has the world’s most even disposition.  (          ).

J15.”All the realty good-looking men are conceited.”

“Oh, I don’t know.  (         ).”

     J16.I didn’t know what true happiness was until I was married.  (          )”

J17.”Today in school we learned that a bigamist is a man with one wife too many.”

“Well, actually, kid, (          ).”

     J18.”Last night I lost my wife in a poker game.”

     “That must have been rough.”

     “I’ll say.  (          ).”

These jokes went out of style completely in the 2010s, but when they make a comeback in years to come (because no joke, no matter how bad, ever actually dies) and come that day, you will have all the ANSWERS.

     A1.suddenly you don’t like pork and beans!

     A2.before I get a new one

     A3.Mine dreams that in the daytime.

     A4.What time?

     A5.When you make the money your father used to make

     A6.A billionaire

     A7.It’s taken me all these years to get him to say ‘manure’.

     A8.What’s the capital of Iceland?

     A9.She thinks I’m listening.

     A10.He gets up at 5 and she sleeps until 7.

     A11.How I’ve wronged that woman!

     A12.Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking role.


     A14.He’s always cranky.

     A15.I’m not.

     A16.And then it was too late.

     A17.You don’t have to be a bigamist for that.

    A18.I had to fold with three aces.

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