Class Act

     Ah, ‘tis Monday, our weekly Old Joke Day.  Fear not: some day I will run out of the jokes from this joke quizbook I wrote in the 1990s, and will have to find something else to do.  (And reflect that if some enterprising publisher had actually published this book in the 1990s, you would not be getting it in installments now.  The sins of the fathers….)

     We return in this episode to the adventures of children in the classroom.  The punchlines, which you probably know by heart, are tucked away at the end of the column.

J1.”Tommy, where is the Red Seas”

“It’s (          )”

     J2.”Tommy, if you had six potatoes, but nine people were eating, how would you divide the potatoes so each person got an equal amount?”

     “That’s easy, Teacher.  (         )”

J3.“Teacher, you always tell us to double-check our work, so I did this math problem six times.”

 “Very good, Tommy.”

 “And (          ).”

     J4.”So we see, class, that the light from the sun reaches Earth in just nine minutes.”

     “So what?  (          )”

J5.”Teacher, is a chicken old enough to eat when it’s six days old?”

“Of course not, Tommy.”

“Then (          )”

      J6.”Tommy, where are elephants found?”

     “Well, Teacher, (          )”

J7.”Tommy, I asked you a question.  Do you know the answer or not?”

“I shook my head.”

“Well, (        )”

     J8.”Tommy, who wrote ‘To a Field Mouse’?”

     “I don’t know, teacher, but (          )”

J9.”Tommy, will your father be attending the PTA meeting tomorrow night?”

“He ain’t coming.”

“Tommy!  He ISN’T coming.  I am not coming.  They aren’t coming.”

“Gosh! (          )”

     J10.”Tommy, what is the plural of man?”


     “And what is the plural of woman?”


     “And what is the plural of child?”

     “(          )”

J11.”Tommy, how do you spell the word ‘weather’?”


“Well, (          )”

     J12.”Tommy, spell ‘Mississippi”.”

     “Sure.  (          )”

J13.”Tommy, spell ‘farm’.”

“(          )’

     J14.The class had taken a field trip to the big museum, and stood before an Egyptian mummy, before which was a sign which read “1365 B.C.”

     “And what does that mean?” prompted the teacher.

     “I don’t know,” said Tommy, “Maybe (          ).”

And now you can check and make sure you knew more ANSWERS than Tommy.  Raise your hand when you have finished.  (And then put it down again.  People are looking.

     A1.All over my report card

     A2.Mash ‘em!

     A3.Here are my six answers.

     A4.It’s downhill all the way!

     A5.Why don’t they starve?

     A6.Elephants are so big nobody ever loses ‘em.

     A7.Did you expect me to hear it rattle from here?

     A8.I bet he didn’t get an answer.

     A9.Ain’t nobody coming?


     A11.That’s the worst spell of weather we’ve had around here in years.

     A12.The river or the state?


     A14.Maybe it’s the license plate of the car that hit him

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