Have Another

     It is Old Joke Monday again, and I find that we are back into the chapter on bars and drinking jokes, which gives me an excuse to use up a couple of postcards I found too late to include in one of my postcards blogs a while back.  You remember the rules: these are really old jokes (or they WERE, in the 1990s: old jokes are like phoenixes, to be reborn anew when people get so sick of them they don’t tell them any more) without punch lines, which you can supply, since you know your old jokes,.  Just to check your wording, I include those at the end.  Now, then, these three artichokes walk into a bar….

J1.The two men were standing at the bar because neither was sober enough to fall down.  “S-say,” said Arnold.  “You g-gonna pay me back that fifty you borrowed off me in Dundee, Iowa?”

     “Never been in Dundee in all my life,” said Matthew.

     “Me neither, come to think of it,” said Arnold.  “(          )”

J2.The big man peered over the little man’s shoulder.  “Whatcha writin’?”

     The little man looked up from his little black book.  “This is a list of all the men I can beat up.”

     The big man thought about this,.  “Is my name in there?”


     The big man rolled up his sleeves.  “Well I ain’t one to argue, but I don’t believe you could beat me.”

     The little man scowled at him  “I guess there’s just one thing to do, then.  (          ).”

J3.Jim spotted Roy in a low dive on Clark Street, drinking cheap whiskey.  “Don’t you know that stuff’s slow poison?”

     “Well,” said Roy, “(          )”

J4.”Would you like another Old-Fashioned?” asked the smiling host.

     “Well,” the guest temporized, “I don’t know.  I’ve had five already…..”:

     “You’ve had nine,” said the host, and quickly added “(          )”

J5.”Here, boy,” said the drunk, coming out of the club.  “Call me a cab.”

     “Sir!” the man roared.  “I will have you know I am an Admiral in the United States Mavy.”

     “Oh, sorry,” said the drunk.  “(          )”

J6.The doctor informed Uncle Soak, “I can’t find any medical cause for your problems,  It must be a result of drink.”

     “If you say so, Doc,” Uncle Soak replied, “(          )”

J7.The bishop didn’t trust the smell of the barber’s breath, but really needed a shave.  Sadly, his suspicions were confirmed, when the barber cut him on the very first sweep of the razor.

     “There, man!” the bishop roared, “Do you see the undeniable consequences of heavy drink?”

     “I do, Reverend, I do,” said the barber, “(          )”

J8.”Hey, barkeep!  Was I in here last night?”

     “:You don’t remember?  I do,.”

     “I was here?”

     “Here?  You spent close to six hundred bucks!”

     “Whew!  (           )”

J9.I tried to write a drinking song but (          ).

J10.The man at the bar said, “That was the best Moscow Mule anyone’s ever served me.  I want you to have this.”  And he pulled am live lobster out of one pocket.

     The bartender eyed his tip dubiously.  “Well, I guess I could have him for dinner.”

     The customer shook his head.  “No.  (          )”

After sober reflection, I believe we will proceed to the ANSWERS                        

     A1.Must’ve been two other fellers

     A2.I’ll take your name off the list

     A3.I’m in no hurry

     A4;But who’s counting?

     A5.Call me a battleship

     A6.I’ll come back when you’re sober.

     A7.It does make the skin tender

     A8.I was afraid I’d lost it

     A9.I couldn’t get past the first two bars

     A10. He’s had dinner; take him to a show

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