More On Your Plate

     Ah, the first Monday of 2022, and our first official old joke day.  (For newcomers, old jokes told the rest of the week are a matter of chance.  Don’t think yourself safe just because it’s Wednesday.)

     As mentioned last Monday, we start again at the beginning of my brilliant but somehow unpublished old joke quizbook.  We begin with some little numbers that did not get played the first time we covered Food and Drink.

J1.”Oh, I don’t know.  Where do you want to eat?”

“Is there a good place right here in the neighborhood>”

“Sure!  Let’s eat up the street!”

“No thanks,  (          )”

      J2.”Waiter. do you have frog’s legs?”

     “No, sir. (          )”

J3.Fortescue was walking along a street when a noticed a café with a big sign in the window.  “We Serve Cutlets.  All Kins”.

     So he went in and sat down and when the waiter came to his table, said, “I’ll have an elephant cutlet, please.”

     “An elephant cutlet, sir?” the waiter inquired.

     “:Yes, your sign says all kinds and I have a fancy for an elephant cutler,” said Fortescue.  “Medium rare.”

      The waiter went away.  After a few minutes, a man in a business suit came to Fortescue’s table.  “Are you the party who ordered an elephant cutlet, sir?”

     “Yes, and I’m in a hurry, so I’d like it pretty sudden.”

     “Medium rare, sir?”

     “Yes, indeed.  Am I going to be served or will you take that lying sign out of the window?”

     “Well, sir,” said the man.  “I am very sorry, but (          )”

J4.”I’ll have the lamb chop, the green peas, and the boiled potatoes.  And you make that chop lean.”

“Yes, Ma’am.  (          )”

     J5.”What can I bring you, honey?”

     “I been on the road eight days.  All I want is fried eggs and some kind words.”

     The waitress was back in five minutes.  “Here you go, Hon.”

     “Those are the eggs.  What about the kind words?”

     “(          )”

J6.”I’d like to order the peaches and cream, only without the cream.”

“I am sorry, Ma’am.  (          )”

     J7.”I’d like the liver and onions, only I’d like that made with turkey liver, and Vidalia onions only, please.  I’d like that with a bottle–not a can–of Dr. Pepper which has been on ice for at least sixteen hours, and I would like that with Tater Tots made by the official maker of Tater Tots and not some off brand.  Got that?”

     “Certainly, sir.”  The waiter called to the cook, “(          )”

J8.The joint didn’t look too appetizing.  The man told the waiter, “Just a cup of coffee for me.”

     :Me too,” said his wife.  “And make sure the cup is clean.”

     A short wait, and the waiter had returned.  “Two coffees,” he said, “(          )”

J9.The man sat down in the diner and sighed, “Bring me some burnt toast, greasy scrambled eggs, and lukewarm coffee.”

     “Very well, sir,” said the waitress, jotting this down.  “Anything else?”

     “Yeah.  (           )”

     I know you already know all these ANSWERS, but I am putting them here so that thinking of them won’t spoil your digestion.

     A1.U don’t like concrete/

     A2.It’s rheumatism makes me walk this way.

     A3.We can’t cut up a whole elephant for just one cutlet.

     A4.Which way?

     A5.Don’t eat the eggs/

      A6.We are out of cream.  You’ll have to have them without milk/

      A7.One number seven!

     A8.Which one of yez gets the clean cup?

     A9.Sit down and nag me; I’m REALLY homesick.

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