Ah, the Monday before Christmas, and what can you expect as a surprise gift from your Uncle Blogsy?  Old Jokes?  Not much of a surprise. Was it?  The selection of gags from the Old Joke Quizbook comes from the section covering mishaps, faux-pas, and straight accidents, the sort of thing life tosses at you to make your existence more interesting, even if you didn’t want it touched up in that particular way.

     J1.The man jumped out of his car to check on the woman he had just knocked down.  “I’m sorry this happened, Ma’am, he said, but I can’t really see how this could be my fault.  After all, I have been driving for over twenty-five years.”

     “Well, don’t blame it on me,” she snapped, “(          )”

J2.”It amazes me, Captain,” said the passenger to the skipper of the steamboat, “How you can travel these narrow rivers without an accident.”

     Well, Ma’am<,” said the skipper, “Experience plays a big part.  I’ve been on boats in these parts for fifty years, man and boy, so I know ever snag and sandbar along the way.”

     The boat shuddered, and there was a loud scraping sound/  The captain said, “(          )”

J3.”What are you?” demanded the driver of the smaller vehicle in the crash.  “Blind?”

     “Waddya mean blind?” demanded the driver of the SUV.  “(          )”

J4.”The man pulled up next to a dejected woman sitting next to ther crumpled car.  “Have an accident?”
     “No, thanks” she said.” (           )”

J5.A woman on a country walk came across a man with one ear to the ground.  “A two-tone ’57 Chevy,” he said, A man and a woman in the front, an Irish setter in the back.  The dog’s name is Crumble.  The woman just bleached her hair.”

     “Wow!” she said.  “You can tell all that just by listening to the sounds in the road?”

     “No,” he said, “)           _”

J6. They tell the tale of Ernestine Schumann-Heink, an operatic diva of equal talent and size, tried to get on a streetcar in Vienna, only to find this impossible.  “Perhaps if Madame would turn sideways,” suggested the conductor.

     “Mein Gott!” she replied.  “(           )”

J7.”That singer has a large repertoire.”

“Yes.  And (          )”

     J8.“What have you done with your hair?  It looks like a wig!”

     “It is a wig.”

     “Is it?  Well, (          )”

J9.Three elderly men, all slightly hard of hearing, were strolling down the street when a gust of wind blew dust in their face.  “Windy today,” said the first.

     “I thought it was Thursday,” said the second.

      Wiping dust from his face, the third said, “(           )”

H19.Hildegarde had just stepped out of the shower when the doorbell rang.  “Who is it?” she shouted.

     “Blind man!”

     “These beggars,” she grumbled, but she grabbed up her purse, took out a dollar and went to the door.

     “Here!” she said, throwing the door open.

     Thank you, Ma’am.  (         )?”

J11.  “Sun Tribune,” said the receptionist at the newspaper’s main office.  “How may I help you?”

          “This is Ladislas Brosniky!  You have me listed in yesterday’s obituaries!”

     “”Yes, sir? (          )?”

Nome of this has ever happened to you of course, but if it ever does, these are the ANSWERS.

A1.I’ve been walking for sixty-three

A2.There’s one now

A3. I hit ya, didn’t I?

A4.Just had one

A5.They just knocked me down

A6.U HAFF no sidevays!

A7.And that dress just emphasizes it

A8.No one could tell

A9.Me, too.  Let’s have a drink

A10.Where shall I put these Venetian blinds?

A11,And where are you calling from?

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