When in Doubt, Pun

 Listen, I know it’s Monday, but even I am appalled by this chapter in my quizbook of old jokes.  I had forgotten I had stooped this low.  Of course, how old a pun may be is irrelevant, since the audience is SUPPOSED to groan.  But if we all stand together and hold hands, we can get through this.  Would you like to sing Kum-Ba-Ya while we’re doing it.  Sing loud enough, and we might not hear the jokes.

     J1.The jester claimed he could make a joke on any subject.  “I dare you to make a joke about the King!” said Sir Reptitious.

     “Bah!” said the jester, “(          )”

2.Sir Reptitious was out questing on a cold and snowy night, and rode up to the front door of an inn.  “I require a room,” he told the innkeeper.  “I can ride no farther.”

     “Sorry, sir,” said the innkeeper.  “We’re full up.”

     “:O don’t require much space,” said Sir Reptitious.  “Just a corner for me and my dog.”

     “We have….”  The innkeeper frowned.  “Your dog?”

     Sir Reptitious dismounted, and it could be clearly seen that he had ridden through the snow on an Old English Sheepdog, its fur matted with the snow and rain.

     The innkeeper sighed.  “Very well, sir.  I can find you something.  I wouldn’t (          ).”

J3.”I’m writing an ode to a Grecian urn.”

“What’s a Grecian urn?”

“Oh, (          )”

    J4.The Great Flood was over, and Noah was walking through the ark one last time, to see if anybody had left behind any towels or something.  He found a pair of snakes coiled up in a corner of the third deck.  “What are you doing here?” he demanded.  “Didn’t you hear the command to go forth and multiply?”

     “Oh, yes, Father Noah,” they said.  “But we can’t do that.  We’re (          )”

J5.Pat and Mike, walking along the street. Stopped in front of the opulent display of jewelry at Tiffany’s.  “Oh,” said Mike, “Wouldn’t you like to just have your pick?”

     “That I wouldn’t,” said Pat.  “I’d rather (          )”

J6.”You are accused of engaging in illegal gambling after hours in the gentleman’s club.  How do you plead?”

     “Not guilty, Your Honor.  I am a locksmith, and I was there working, not gambling.”

     “:Indeed!  And what would you have been doing there at 3 A.M., when the police raided the club?”

     “I was (          )”

J7.”Mommy,” said the baby ear of corn, “Where did I come from?”

     “You know that,” she said, “(          )”

J8.”It’s raining cats and dogs, isn’t it?”

“It sure is.  I just (          )”

     J9.”What do you make these boots out of?”


     “Why should I?”

     “No, I said ‘Hide”.”

     “Where?  Why?”

     “No!  Hide!  Hide!  The cow’s outside!”

     “Well, heck. (          )”

J10.”I heard a noise in the kitchen last night, and got my shotgun.  I crept downstairs and just as I got to the kitchen, this huge rat ran from under the stove.”

     “Did you shoot him?”

     “Couldn’t.  (          )”

Though we have suffered for the knowledge, at last we have all the ANSWERS.

A1.The King is not a subject

A2.put a knight out on a dog like this.

A3.About a buck and a half an hour

A4.We’re adders.

A5.have my shovel.

A6.making a bolt for the door.

A7.The stalk brought you.

A8.stepped in a poodle.

A9.Who’s afraid of a cow?

A10.He was out of my range.

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