On With the Dough

     It is Monday again, luckless mortals, and time to examine the world of really old jokes as I wrote them out in the last century  Today’s excerpt from that book is about money, and what people do with it.  I am not one to salute the wisdom of my own past self, whom I regard as a pleasant chap but foolish, but I do believe he nailed it this time.  His introduction consisted of just one phrase.  “Money,” he wrote, “Is funnier if you have it.”

     The missing punchlines, which you so surely know, are added at the end of the column.

J1.”I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant.”

     “Why do you want an elephant?”

     “(          )”

J2.”Years ago, I won a hundred thousand dollars in the lottery,”

     “What did you do with it?”

     “Well, some I spent on women and some I spent drinking in bars, and the rest of it (          ).”

J3.Tim MacTavish bought two tickets for the Wednesday lottery drawing and hit the big jackpot.  One of his friends congratulated him later that week, but added, “You look kind of depressed about the lottery win.  What’s wrong?”

     “It’s this other ticket,” Tim told him. “(          )”

J4.Two friends at a party were chatting about a mutual acquaintance, who had become a multi-millionaire selling a cheap, shoddy product on late night TV ads.    “Nice fellow,” said one, “Pity his money’s tainted.”

     “It’s twice-tainted,” said the other. “(          ).”

J5.A lottery winner and his wife were mingling with a new crowd, and in the course of dinner conversation, listened to the others discussing the merits of various Swiss resorts and the acoustics in foreign concert halls.  Determined to be a part of the conversation, Mrs. Lotterybucks waited for an opportunity and, when someone mentioned Mendelssohn, exclaimed ecstatically, “Oh, Mendelssohn is my very favorite wine!”

     There was an awkward pause, but the conversation went on, with the newly rich couple feeling even more shut out.  After dinner, Mr. Lotterybucks scolded his wife.  “If you had just kept your mouth shut, people wouldn’t know how uncultured you are!  Couldn’t you just keep quiet and let me do the talking?  Mendelssohn’s your favorite wine?  Mendelssohn (          )”

J6.”The cost of living is sure going up.”

     “Yep.  And half the time (          ).”

J7.”I’ve started budgeting my money.  Every month I spend 40% in shelter, 30% on food, 30% on clothing and transportation, and 20% on entertainment.”

     “That adds up to 120%.  That must be a mistake..”

     “(          )”

J8.“What’s the problem?”

     “Ah, it’s the wife, always nagging about money.  Last week it was thirty bucks, then on Monday she wants fifty bucks, and this morning she was asking for another twenty.”

     “What does she do with it all??”

     “I don’t know.  (          ).”

And here, just as on late-night TV, are all your money ANSWERS./

    .A1.I just want that much money.

     A2.I just wasted.

     A3.Why did I waste my money on that?

     J4.Tain’t yours and tain’t mine.

     A5.is a kind of cheese!

     J6.it isn’t fit to drink

     J7.You’re telling me!

     J8.I never give her any.

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