In the original manuscript of my book of old joke quizzes, the chapter of jokes about kids followed the chapters on love and marriage, and cited the remark that “There will never be a victor in the battle of the sexes because there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.”
For newcomers to this Monday dilemma, these are jokes which, at least in my opinion thirty years ago, were so old and so often retold that everyone should be able to provide the missing punchlines below. If you do miss one, you can always say you were just kidding around.
J1.”These shoes don’t fit!”
“They do fit. You just put them on the wrong feet.”
“But Mom, ( ).”
J2,”If you were a good father, you’d take Junior to the zoo.”
“Nonsense. ( ).”
J3.Petey was seven years old, and had never spoken a single word. His parents took him to specialists and psychologists, but still he had never uttered a single syllable. And then at breakfast, he looked up from his bowl of cereal and remarked, “Ma, that storm last night must have affected the electricity and shut down the fridge for a while, because the milk on my Snicker Snacks is completely sour.”
His mother was stunned. “Petey! You’ve never said a word before this!”
“Well, gee, Ma,” he replied, “( ).”
J4. “How much are those puppies,. Mister?”
“Six dollars apiece, Sonny.”
“Well, ( )?”
J5.”Ma, can I go next door and play?”
“What, with those holes in your shirt?”
“No. ( ).”
J6.”Don’t tell me you fell in the mud with your new pants on!”
“Well, ( ).”
J7.Johnny came rushing into the house. “Mom! Mom! Jessica fell in the mud up to her shoelaces! Come quick!”
“That’s not so terrible,” his mother told him. “Jessica can just walk out of the mud.”
“No, she can’t!” cried Johnny. “( )!”
J8.A couple of Hollywood kids were having an argument in the park. “:Yeah?” saiid one, “Well, my father can beat up YOUR father!”
“Don’t be a sap,” said the other kid. “( ).”
J9.”Why, Patty, you’re growing up into quite a young lady!” said Aunt Matilda. “What do you think you’ll do when you’re as big as I am?”
The six year-old blinked and said, “( ).”
J10.The convict broke up to the surface from the tunnel he’d started in his prison cell days before. “At last!” he shouted. “I’m free! I’m free!”
“Huh!” said the kid whose yard he’d dug up through. “( ).”
J11.”As my grandson, you will be expected to adhere to certain principles of decorum. There are two words I don’t wish you to use, ever. One is swell and the other is lousy.”
“Okay, Grandma. ( )”
J12.”Dad, can I go out and look at the eclipse?”
“Of course, son. ( ).”
J13.”Dad, what makes lightning?”
“Well, that’s one of those things I never did understand.”
“Dad, how come some of these roses are red and some are white>”
“Well, I saw something about that online, but I forget just now what it was all about.”
“Dad, is there more than one kind of grass or is all this the same kind?”
“Well, sometimes I think so and sometimes I’m not sure.”
“Dad…oh, well, never mind.”
“No, you go ahead and ask questions, son. ( )”
A14.”Dad, what’s long and green, and has long pincers and about a million legs?
“I don’t know, son. What?”
“I don’t know, either. ( ).””
And, here, just in case you want to see how I phrased them, are the ANSWERS
A1.These are the only feet I’ve got!
A2.IOf they want him, let them come and get him
A3.Up to now, I never had any complaints
A4.How much for a whole one?
A5.With the neighbor kids
A6.I didn’t have time to take ‘em off!
A7.She fell in head first
!8.Your father IS my father
A11.What are the words?
A12.Don’t stand too close
A13.How else are you ever going to learn?
A14.But one just crawled down your neck.