Like a Horse and Carriage

     Yes, yes, it’s Old Joke Monday, when we visit portions of a failed book project of mine, a quiz book filled with what were then really old jokes without the punchlines.  Being an expert at old jokes, you are expected to supply the missing bits.  No one has asked, by the way, but yes, there are more jokes in each category than I have shown you here.  So we can keep doing Old Joke Monday for EONS.  It makes me humble to think that, after all these years, I have invented another reason to dread Mondays.

     Today’s theme is jokes about married life, which followed the section on jokes about romance.  It is more logical, now that I look at it, The jokes about romance weren’t all that romantic, and if those people got married, this would no doubt be the result.

J1.”Just got a bicycle for my wife.”

“Really? (          )/”

J2.”My husband is a complete idiot!  He’s driving me nuts!  I can’t sleep or eat, and I’m losing weight!”

“Why don’t you leave him?”

“I will.  (          )”

J3.”You don’t love me any more!  When you leave for work, you won’t even kiss me goodbye!”

“But, my dear (          ).”

J4.”Sir, can you tell our viewers how you managed to stay happily married for eighty years?”

“Well, we decided early on to divide the labor.  My wife makes minor decisions and I make the major ones.  She decided where we should live, where I should get a job, where our kids went to school and things like that.”

“And what do you decide, sir?”

“Well, I make the MAJOR decisions, like (            )”

J5.”I suppose when you got home so late last night you and your wife had words.”

“Yes, but (          ).”

J6.Congressman Brosniky’s wife shook him in the wee hours of the morning.  “Honey,” she whispered, “I think there are burglars in the house!”

     “No, my dear,”: he said sleepily, “(          ).”

J7.Numberless are the things a wife can think of to ask when her husband is drifting off to sleep.  “Henry, Henry!  Did you put the cat out?”

     “Why?  (          ).”

J8.”Henry!  Henry!  I just heard a mouse  squeak!”

     “Well, (         ).”

J9.”Henry, it’s cold outside!  Go close the window!”

     “Mmmm,” said henry, and rolled over.

     Melissa tried again.  “Henry, Henry, get yup and close the window!  It’s cold outside!”

     Henry pulled his nightcap farther down over his head.  Melissa punched him in the shoulder.

     “Henry, you get up right now and close that window!  It’s cold outside!”

     Henry threw off the covers and marched over to the window, slamming it shut.  “There!  (          ).”

J10.The train pulled away just as the couple reached the platform.  “There!” he shouted, “If you hadn’t dawdled and kept going back for things you thought you forgot, we wouldn’t have missed the train!”

     “Yeah,” said his wife, “And if you hadn’t rushed me (          ).”

With any luck, you know all these ANSWERS  only from hearing them in jokes, but here they are.

A1.Wjhere can I get a deal like that?

A2.As soon as I’m down to size 7.

A3.There’s nothing I’d like better than to kiss you goodbye.

A4.Who the President should name to the Supreme Court, whether we should open trade with China, what Congress should do about Social Security, and stuff like that.

A5.I never got to use mine.

A6.In the Senate, perhaps

A7.Is it on fire?

A8.Get up and oil it

A9.So now it’s warm outside?

A10.We wouldn’t have so long to wait for the next one!