Don’t Stop Me: You’ve Heard This

    Well, I heard no  clamorous outcry when I suggested I might bring out my unsold quiznook of antiquated jokes and try a few of the questions on you, but I heard no pleas for mercy, either.  (If you get no comments at all, you can write as you please.)  So I will present a few of the entries from my unsold bestseller “So I Bit Him!”

    The point in the book was to show you were a master of ancient jokes by providing the missing punchlines.  My main fear is that in the years since I wrote this book, some of these jokes became SO old that they went untold, and will now be new to you.  Only one way to find out, I suppose.

    I find, with displeasure, that the first category of jokes in the book was FOOD.  And here I’ve been repeating that this is NOT a food blog.  But so it goes.  If you’ve read this far, you want to try your wits against the ancient gags.  Answers at the bottom of the column.  Let’s go.

    J1.The pie was passed down the table at the boarding house.  Two pieces remained when it reached the end.  Rick put the larger slice on his own playe and passed the other to Ambrose.

    “Huh! Some manners!” snarled Ambrose.  “If I’d been sitting there, I’d’ve been polite and taken the smaller piece.”

    Rick didn’t look up from his plate.  “Well,” he said, “(        )”

      J 2. “So Rick and I went to this fancy dinner party,” Ambrose told his friends at the bar.  “That guy’s got no manners at all.  I turn my back on him for a second and when I look, he’s eating his peas with his knife!  I was so shocked (             ).”

     J 3. At another fancy event, the guests were serving themselves from a vast buffet.  Rick picked up a fork and lifted an entire chicken from the platter onto his plate. 

    Ambrose was shocked.  “You’re not going to eat that whole chicken all alone!”

    “Of course not,” said Rick. “(          ).”

    J 4. Ambrose wasn’t always sure of the rules himself.  “Scuse me, friend,” he murmured to a man next to him at the buffet.  “Is it okay to east pickles with your fingers?”

    “Never,” the man told him.  “The fingers (          ).”

     J 5. “This new diet is dreadful,” Kate told Jackie.  “I get so hungry I even dream about food.  Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound marshmallow!”

    “That’s not so bad,” said Jackie.

    “Oh yeah?” Kate replied. “(          ).”

      J 6. Kate’s cousin Winsome was the one who needed to diet.  She stepped on one of those public scales that prints out your weight, put a dime in, and the little card that came out said “(          ).”

    J 7. Winsome didn’t know why the doctor wanted her to diet.  According to his chart of heights and weights, she weighed exactly what she should.  She was just (          ).

     J 8. The submarine had set off for a yearlong cruise under the polar icecap, and the captain called the men together.  “We are on a trip where we will not have any kind of contact with other ships or anyone on land for the next twelve months.  I have good news and bad news.  The contractor supplying our rations made a mistake, and all we have in the galley to eat is dog food.”

    “Good lord!” said one of the men.  “What’s the good news.”

    The captain smiled.  “(          ).”

      J 9. “Do you like codfish balls?”

    “I don’t know. (          ).”

    J 10: “Care to join me in a cup of tea?”

    “No.  (          ).”

I’m sure you knew all these answers, but if you want to check my wording of them, it was

A1. Well, that’s what you got.

A2. I dropped a handful of mashed potatoes.

A3. I’m going to have some mashed potatoes with it.

A4. The fingers should be eaten separately.

A5. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

A6. One at a time, please.

A7. Two feet too short.

A8. There’s plenty of it.

A9. I’ve never been to one.

A10.I don’t think there’s room.

     There are, um, hundreds more of these.  I will await your cries of gladness before going on.

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