Screen Scrooges: A Ghost’s Mission

     “Are you the Spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me?” asked Scrooge.

     “I am!”

     The voice was soft and gentle.  Singularly low, as if instead of being so close beside him, it were at a distance.

     “Who, and what, are you?” Scrooge demanded.

     “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.”

     “Long Past?” inquired Scrooge: observant of its dwarfish nature.

     “No.  Your past.”

     Perhaps, Scrooge could not have told anybody why, if anybody could have asked him; but he had a special desire to see the Spirit in his cap, and begged him to be covered.

     “What?” exclaimed the Ghost, “would you so soon put out, with worldly hands, the light I give?  Is it not enough that you are one of those whose passions made this cap, and force me through whole trains of years to wear it low upon my brow?”

     Scrooge reverently disclaimed all intention to offend, or any knowledge of having willfully “bonneted” the Spirit at any period of his life.  He then made bold to inquire what business brought him there.

     “Your welfare!” said the Ghost.

     Scrooge expressed himself much obliged, but could not help thinking that a night of unbroken rest would have been more conducive to that end.  The Spirit must have heard him thinking for it said immediately:

     “Your reclamation, then.  Take heed!”

     It put out its strong hand as it spoke, and clasped him gently by the arm.

     “Rise!  And walk with me!”

     It would have been vain for Scrooge to plead that the weather and the hour were not adapted to pedestrian purposes; that bed was warm, and the thermometer a long way below freezing; that he was clad but lightly in his slippers, dressing-gown, and nightcap; and that he had a cold upon him at that time.  The grasp, though gentle as a woman’s hand, was not to be resisted.  He rose; but finding that the Spirit made towards the window, clasped its robe in supplication.

     “I am a mortal,” Scrooge remonstrated, “and liable to fall.”

     “Bear but a touch of my hand THERE,” said the Spirit, laying it upon his heart, “And you shall be upheld in more than this!”

     This passage holds a lot of classic lines, which does not keep filmmakers from changing them.  (Amazing, for starters, how many bits were not dialogue in the original at all; Scrooge only THINKS about a night of unbroken rest, for example.)  About the only thing omitted outright in most cases is the Spirit’s cap.  When a ghost does carry this in the movies, the Ghost frequently is moved to explain the whole metaphor, which Dickens thought we’d be able to get on our own.  Since no two Ghosts seem to agree on its significance, though, maybe he was wrong.

     Hicks skips all of this.  His Ghost simply tells him, “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.  I am here to show you the things that have been.  Look back beyond the gulf of vanished years.”

     “Are you the Spirit I was told to expect?” asks Owen, “Who are you?”  “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.”  She approaches; Scrooge cries, “The light!  It hurts my eyes!~  It blinds me!”  “I’m not surprised,” is the Ghost’s calm response, “It’s the warming light of cheerfulness, the light of gratitude to others.”  “I’ve never seen it before.”  Again, she is unsurprised; she tells Scrooge that men of greed like him have long forgotten gratitude.  “Oh.  What’s your business with me?”  “Your welfare, your reclamation: rise and walk with me.”  Scrooge climbs wearily out of bed.  The window opens; Scrooge looks around in apprehension.  “We spirits have no fear,” she assures him.  “But I’m not a spirit!”  “Bear but a touch of my hand on your heart and you shall be safe.”

     Oh, look at the expression on Sim I’s face!  When told the Spirit is here for his welfare, he responds “My welfare.”  The Ghost comprehends.  “Your reclamation, then.  Take heed, rise, and walk with me.”  A lift of the ghostly hand makes the distant window slide open.  Scrooge doesn’t care for the trick.  “Through the window?”  “Are you afraid?”  Scrooge explains that he is a mortal, and liable to fall, but the way he shuffles his feet and pulls at the collar of his robe show this is merely a schoolboy excuse; he just doesn’t want to go.  They complete the dialogue as written.

     March asks “Are you the Spirit I was to expect?”  “I am.”  “Odd.  Very odd.  You resemble HER so very much.  What Spirit are you?”  “I am the Spirit of Christmas Past.”  “What past?”  “Your past, among others.”  “What did you wish to see me about,” says the constant man of business.  “Your welfare.”  “I;ve had so little sleep.”  “I am sent to save you from yourself.  You have forgotten what the world is like for children.”  She pushes the window open.  “Come with me.”  “as I am?”  “As you are.”  “Which way?”  She indicates the shutters and he draws back.  “No!  Not that way!  I shall fall!”  “Not when you’re with me.”

     Rathbone boils this down considerably.  “Are you the Spirit whose coming was foretold to me?”  “I am.”  “Who and what are you?”  “I am the Spirit of Christmas Past.”  “And what business brings you here?”  “Your welfare and your reclamation.  Come with me.”  At the window, Scrooge pulls back.  “But I am a mortal!”  Something about the Spirit’s face makes him moderate his tone and he adds, more quietly, “And liable to fall.”  “Bear but a touch of my hand here and you shall be upheld in more than this.”  The hand does go to Scrooge’s chest.

     When told why the Ghost is there, Magoo replies, “Well, I’m much obliged, but a good night of unbroken rest is what I need, of you’re so concerned.”  “Rise, and walk with me.”  “Oh, humbug!  Forcing a fellow to leave his bed in the middle of the night!”  “Come!”  He complains of being cold, and of not having a decent stitch to warm his old bones.  When close enough to see the window is their destination, he whines about that as well.  “Touch my hand, and you shall be upheld.”

     Haddrick stammers in terror.  The dialogue about “Your past” and “Your welfare” is omitted.  “’Tis hardly the hour or the weather for pedestrian purposes,” he complains, “It is below freezing and I am but lightly clad.”  The Ghost touches his hand to lead him out.  “I’m mortal, don’t forget, and likely to fall.”  (Since we have not approached a window, where he is going to fall is not immediately obvious.)

     After Sim II’s frightened stammering, the scene moves quickly past a lot of unuttered dialogue.

     Finney demands, “Who are you?”  “I am the Spirit whose coming was foretold to you.”  “You don’t look like a Ghost.”  “Thank you.”  “May I inquire more precisely who or what you are?”  The dialogue follows much as Dickens wrote it, without any of the cap business.  When his welfare comes up, Scrooge points out, “To be awakened by a ghost at one o’clock in the morning is hardly conducive to my welfare.”  “Your redemption, then.  Rise!  And walk with me.”  “Where are we going?”  “We are going to look at your childhood.”

     Matthau is informed, “I am the Ghost of Christmas past.”  “Long past?”  “Your past.  Here.  Hold my hand.”

     The Ghost has to bang on the alarm clock bell to wake McDuck.  “Well?” he demands, when Scrooge does wake up, “About time!  Haven’t got all night, y’know.”  Startled, Scrooge asks, “Who are you?”  “Why, I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past.”  “Oh.”  Scrooge rolls over to go back to sleep, adding, “I thought you’d be taller.”  The Ghost snaps that if men were measured by kindness, Scrooge himself would be no bigger than a speck of dust.  “Kindness is of little use in this world,” Says Scrooge, sleepily.  “You didn’t always think so.  Come on, Scrooge: it’s time to go.”  “Then go!”  The Ghost opens a window, allowing a gust of cold wind to startle Scrooge.  “What are you going?”  “We’re going to visit your past.”  “I’m not going out there. I’ll fall!”  “Just hold on.”  Scrooge clutches the miniature ghost.

     Scott’s ghost is stern.  She explains that HER light is the light of truth.  When he makes a crack about a night of unbroken sleep, she warns him severely, “Be careful, Ebenezer Scrooge.  I speak of your reclamation.”  Scrooge’s expressions shows he never really thought she’d listen to reason.  “Ah.  Well, if tit’s reclamation, then let’s get on with it.”  They do not bother with the window; mist surrounds them.  “Come.  We shall be invisible, and silent as the grave.  You will see a child, a youth; you will see yourself, Ebenezer.”

     Caine asks “Are you the Spirit whose coming was foretold to me?”  “I am.”  “But you’re just a child.”  “I can remember nearly 1900 years.”  A little later, he objects that a night of unbroken rest might be better for his welfare, she replies, “Your salvation, then.”  They head for the window; when he shows apprehension, she assures him, “A touch of my hand, and you shall fly.”

     Curry is so startled he bangs his head on the headboard of the bed.  When he inquires whether this is the first Spirit Jacob talked about, the Ghost tells him, “Spot on, Guvnor.  I’m the Ghost of Christmas past.”  The reclamation/welfare bit is reduced to “It’s for your own good.”  At the window, the Ghost calls, “Shuffle your stumps, Scrooge!”  Scrooge, having some spirit left of his own, snaps, “I’m not made of mist and moonlight, like you.”  The Ghost takes his wrist and pulls him out.  Debit, chomping tight to the hem of the dressing gown, tries to hold Scrooge back, and winds up being towed through the air as well.

     Stewart shields his eyes against the light of the Spirit, and begs the Ghost to don that cap.  “Be covered.”  The ghost becomes fierce in reply but, when Scrooge apologizes, does tone down his light just a touch.  When told to rise, Scrooge overflows with excuses.  “Some other time, perhaps.  I’m not dressed.  I have a weak chest, monstrous head cold….”  The Ghost insists, and Scrooge, shaking his head, puts out a hand.  He is genuinely frightened as they near the window.  “All I have to do is touch you…there.”  The Ghost lays a hand on Scrooge’s chest.

FUSS FUSS FUSS #8: How Do You Feel About This?

   The Ghost of Christmas Past is here to point out inconsistencies in Ebenezer Scrooge’s past and, as hinted at the very end of the passage, try to touch his heart.  Dicken sketches the lessons for us, but does not tell us what the teacher thinks of the pupil.  Was the Ghost supposed to be neutral?  Gently persuasive?  Ironic?  Downright nasty?  All these angles can be seen in various versions, though the preference seems to be for an otherworldly serenity.  I read the different Pasts as

     VOICE OF DOOM: Hicks

     CALM DETACHMENT: Owen, Sim I, March, Rathbone, Magoo, Sim II, Matthau, Caine, Stewart

     DISAPPOINTMENT: Haddrick

     AMUSED CONTEMPT: McDuck, Scott, Curry

     LOFTY CONTEMPT: Finney

     Some Ghosts show a change of heart as they move through the scenes of Scrooge’s past.  Magoo’s Ghost becomes suddenly sardonic at the end, apparently disgusted with her charge.  Curry’s Ghost, who gets a great deal of joy out of tormenting Scrooge, begins to show sympathy as the young Scrooge and Belle break their engagement, as does Finney’s Ghost.  Scott’s, however, does not soften in the slightest, becoming, if anything, even stonier as they move along.

Out On a Limb

     We have been discussing stockings worn by ladies on postcards of the past.  I mentioned that in this, as in so much of a cartoonist’s life, what is really important is knowing just where to draw the line.  And so today, we are going to discuss stocking tops.

     Maybe this is what is meant when the self-appointed experts on the Interwebs insist that women’s stockings were of no great interest before the invention of the nylon stocking.  At any rate, it DOES appear to be about now that cartoonists really utilize the stocking for what sociologists have been claiming the leg does as an erogenous focus.  It draws the eye upward.

     We saw stockings in the pre-nylon postcards, but not very many garters.  NOW the garter and the top of the stocking are an essential part of the design.  They emphasize that little patch of bare skin showing above the stocking.  This made the picture appealing to more than one audience.  Those fascinated by pictures of stocking had long stretches of leg to examine, but the stocking top was there to remind the others that the artist knew there was more to life than a stretch of fabric.

     And this may be why you also see very few flesh-colored stockings in these postcards.  The contrast made it clearer what the viewer was seeing (and what the viewer did NOT get to see.)

     Raymond Chandler, inspiration for so many hardboiled detectives in book and noir motion picture, had his detective refer to the long legs fashionable in the era as a race track which led to the finish line.

     Benny Hill, less noir, simply noted that the good thing about stockings was that no matter how long they were, the top was always near the bottom.

     This, some experts have claimed, is what made the garter and/or garter belt such popular erotic icons.  They dented the flesh at key points, emphasizing the nature of what they were up against.

     Some cartoonists found them unnecessary, preferring to imply texture with line alone.

     Not to claim that these are the more subtle cartoonists.

     The cartoonists, at least the ones included in my inventory, did not include EVERY feature of the stocking which attracted viewers of the day.  This, for example, is the only card I’ve noticed which emphasizes the seam at the back of the stocking (memorialized by songwriters and comedians in days of yore; these replaced the jokes about the “clocks” on pre-nylon stockings, which on postcards frequently have mice trying to run up them.  This seam was already important enough by World War II that when nylons were rationed, and some companies sold a nylon-colored leg paint to take their place, women were urged to take an eyebrow pencil and draw in the seam, which no doubt resulted in a lot of improbable seam work until the skill could be mastered.)

     But enough of thighs and thigh-high stockings and garters and such.  We can now move on and apply our mind to higher th…yeah, let’s just tiptoe out of here now.

Allegations

     I hate to whine, and I KNOW this is going to be a revolutionary thought that no one has ever expressed before.  But I am going to be brave and stalwart and come right out with it and take the tidal wave of anger that comes from making such a bold statement.

     This World Wide Web of ours just doesn’t seem to have all the answers.  There.  I said it and I’m glad.

     See, I was looking into the subject of women’s stockings as seen on postcards, as we were considering that subject on Friday last, and I have more postcards to show off.  And everywhere I go on the Interwebs, I am told that ladies’ stockings were simply not considered a matter of erotic interest until the invention of nylons, around 1937.

     I learned from all sorts of websites, not all of which seemed to be stealing from the same source, that in the days of wool and silk stockings, ladies wore their skirts long, and stockings, though occasionally available in fun designs, simply were not considered a matter of great interest by the male viewing public.

     I dunno, cranberry catsup.  I think we could consider the invention of the long-;egged chorus girl (which goes back to a musical called “The Black Crook” from 1869) or even the invention of the upskirt picture, which predates photography by a generation or two, and the scandalous works of Rowlandson or Gillray (though they did their work in Merrie Olde England, when stockings, and even underwear, were optional and a nasty breeze…well, look it up.  Those gentry didn’t do postcards.)

     Mind you, the shorter skirts of the 1920s did offer opportunities for illustration not hitherto available, to the extent that some experts on these matters have decided nylons were available in 1919, since stockings were not worth ogling until the days of nylons, and men were decidedly ogling.  (We could consider the whole history of Rayon and nylon and how they changed the world, but there’s only so much time in the day.)

     What interests me as well is all the discussion of how thigh-high stockings did not become general until the days of nylons.  And yet one of the scandalous things the Flappers of the 1920s did was roll their stockings DOWN.  It was showing actual skin, not the stockings, that mattered.  (I interviewed a lady in her eighties who recalled her college days in the Flapper Era, when she and several other girls liked to sit in the front row in the classroom, and fluster the professors by NOT keeping their knees together.)  Still, you will notice that the cartoonists of the 1920s were able to focus attention with a well-delineated stocking.

     Maybe I’m not seeing the line between staring at women’s legs and staring at their stockings is drawn.  Our postcard cartoonists, though, knew where to draw that line.

     But drawing the line is a whole nother blog.  Class dismissed until Friday…except for you in the front row.  I want to know where you found thigh-high Argyles.

Screen Scrooges: The Ghost of Christmas Past

     The curtains of the bed were drawn aside, I tell you, by a hand.  Not the curtains at his feet, nor the curtains at his back, but those to which his face was addressed.  The curtains of his bed were drawn aside and Scrooge, starting up into a half-recumbent attitude,  found himself face to face with the unearthly visitor who drew them; as close to it as I am now to you, and I am standing in spirit at your elbow.

     It was a strange figure—like a child; yet not so like a child as like an old an, viewed through some supernatural medium, which gave him the appearance of having receded from the view, and being diminished to a child’s proportion.  Its hair, which hung about its neck and down its back, was white as if with age; and yet the face had not a wrnle in it, ad the tenderest bloom was on the skin.  The arms were very long and muscular;  the hands the same, as if its hold were of uncommon strength.  Its legs and feet, ost delicately formed, were, like those upper members, bare.  It wore a tunic of the purest white; and round its waist was bound a lustrous belt, the sheen of which was beautiful.  It held a branch of fresh green holly in its hand; and, in singular contradiction of that wintry emblem, had its dress trimmed with summer flowers.  But the strangest thing about it was, that from the crown of its head there sprung a bright clear jet of light, by which all this was visible; and which was doubtless the occasion of its using, in its duller moments, a great extinguisher for a cap, which it now held under its arm.

     Even this, though, when Scrooge looked at it with increasing steadiness, was not its strangest quality.  For as it s belt sparkled and glittered now in one part and now in another, and what was light one instant, at another time was dark, so the figure itself fluctuated in distinctness being now a thing with one arm, now with one leg, now with twenty legs, now a pair of legs without a head, now a head without a body; of which dissolving parts, no outline would be visible in the dense gloom wherein they melted away.  And in the very wonder of this, it would be itself again, distinct and clear as ever.

     Well, this is clearly unfilmable as written.  Oh, we have the gadgetry to do it, especially nowadays, but if you did produce a computer projection which reproduced exactly what Dickens had in mind, this representation of mingled and fading memories, no one could look at it for very long, while at the same time, few of us would have an eye for anything else happening onscreen.  As is pointed out in The Annotated Christmas Carol, this is also the one ghost John Leech did not attempt to show us in his illustrations for the first edition of the book itself.

     So Ghosts of Christmas Past come in a variety on the screen.

     THE ORIGINAL

     Sim II makes the attempt.  This apparition is a girl (though Scrooge, true to the text, address it as “Sir”) who is chubby, thin, pump again, had one head, then two then three, then one again as her hands and arms wither and grow young again repeatedly.  She carries a sprig of holly and a cap, and wears a skirt much plumped out by crinolines or ectoplasm.  She has a sash, and walks barefoot.  Her voice is that of a middle-aged woman.

    MEN

     Hicks gets a luminous outline of a man.  Its voice is serene, and detached.

     A blob of light in Sim I resolves itself into a benign old man with long white hair, wearing a white robe and cape.  He is barefoot, with a glittering sash at his waist and a garland about his neck.

     Rathbone, having just checked the locks on his door, turns to find a Biblical Patriarch fading into view.  The figure, which wears a white robe and sash (and gloves), beckons.

     Haddrick has an old man with a beard and a crozier.  He wears a robe, and is the picture of a gentle elderly saint.  His voice is high and slightly sepulchral.

     Matthau meets a small old man with a slight resemblance to Jacob Marley.  Rays of light rise from this ghost’s head in a sort of crown, and he wears a white brown with colored collar and cuffs, and a belt.  In one hand he carries the cap, in the other a sprig of holly.

     Stewart gets a small older manchild with long hair.  His clothes are silvery-satiny, and he is luminescent, with an aura.  He carries a cap and wears a necklace of holly.  His clothes and face could make him a solemn official rom some distant medieval banquet, or a grave jester, or even a Muppet.  His attitude is calm, slow, serene.

     WOMEN

     Owen watches as a lump of light resolves itself into a Hollywood ingenue auditioning for the role of Glinda the Good.  She has golden ringlets, a nurse’s cap with a star on it, and a belted satin gown.

     March is rousted from bed when his shutters fly open, allowing a cold wind to blow back his bedcurtains.  He rises to close the shutters but a bright light alerts hi to strange doings.  Turning, he finds a fresh-faced brunette with a smile.  Her hair is pulled back under a shining circlet, and her plain white gown is cut rather daringly in front.

     Magoo finds a girl (or just possibly a boy) with neatly bobbed blonde hair, a tunic and short skirt (or a long tunic belted in the middle) and shoes bound at the ankle.  A flame rides above her head; she holds a sprig of holly in one hand.

     Finney gets a very solid=looking matron in a fashionable red dress and very expensive hat.  Her earrings glitter, and she wears a black choker.  Hands clad in white gloves reside within a fur muff.  She is very sure of herself, and obviously intends to take no nonsense from any Ebenezer Scrooge.

     Scott meets a woman whose voice is older than her face.  She wears a white robe with a sash of leaves.  She is barefoot, a tad feral, and carries holly in one hand while that cap hangs from a ribbon attached at her waist.

     THE ECCENTRIC

     McDuck gets Jiminy Cricket.

     Caine, after opening the bedcurtains himself and brandishing a poker, watches the light that woke hi coalesce into a diaphanous clump of white gauze with a girl’s head; this head has long blonde hair and a hat.  The voice is that of a young girl; her hand, when she extends it to Scrooge, is that of a baby.

     Curry gets an impudent pearlie who laughs WAY too much.

How It Seams

     Over the years, there have been numerous studies of the history and role in cultural themes of the various erogenous zones of the body: how they relate to the state of society when this or that spot is heavily featured in advertisement, and what it means in the mental processes of the individual viewer.  Which proves, once again, that taking Statistics courses in high school can produce long-range benefits.

     Today, we are going to consider the subject of leg art, or specifically the art of female legs in stockings, in the world of postcards.  This was fairly popular, partly because one of the golden ages of postcards more or less coincided with the Second World War, a proven haven for the legs as a focus of pin-ups, and second because it was a little easier than some parts of the body to feature on postcards.  (Although those who have seen the numerous columns in this about postcards and the human situpon will know some were easier.)

     Yes, there were those in the Victorian and Edwardian ages who would not even utter the word “leg”, preferring the somehow more acceptable “limb”.  And yet these attitudes were not universal.  Not only were stockings permissible (if a bit racy) but it was even possible as in this card mailed in 1906, to show stockings in action.  (I doubt the nurse is putting that stocking on; she’s merely straightening it a bit, thus reviving her patient.

     For pictures of ladies putting their stockings on (or just possibly taking them off), the postcard buyer largely had to wait for the next generation.

     Bud Dudley, an artist we must discuss one of these days, frequently showed stockings on their way off.

     Notice that in both cases, our heroine begins with the right stocking.  Is this common practice (must watch tonight when I take off my socks) or did he just feel he got maximum leg to draw this way?  (Also, those with eagle eyes will observe that his ladies are not in either case wearing garters, even though in the second card, Hubby is wearing his.)

     I think we have alluded to this briefly before, but stockings have more uses than simply as leg coverings (or limb drapery.)  Tucking a ;little mad money away in the stocking tops was well known at the outset.

     And went on for generations.  Was it shorter skirts or shorter stockings that led to most women abandoning this branch of the bank?  (Speaking of limbs.)

     Stockings did not always cooperate, of course.  They could tear, if cloth, or develop runs, if constructed of sheerer material.  Here is a perfectly innocent postcard, wherein our model is simply checking her stockings for any need of repair.  An example of forethought and industry, and not intended to appeal to the prurient interests at all, at all.

     We conclude on the note that it is not, ultimately, the overworked stocking itself which was the focus of any of these pictures.  I’m sure there must be such things, but I don’t recall ever having seen a postcard showing a stocking with no one inside it.  (Socks are another matter, darn  ‘em.)

Late-Breaking News

     I hardly know how to break this to you, but we are all grown-ups here, and we can get through it together.  (Would anyone who is not grown up…no, skip it.  I can’t afford to lose that much of my audience.)

     Once upon a time, a man named Kermit Shafer published a line of Bloopers books, listing things said on the radio or television which might have been worded better or timed better.  These were wildly popular and sold plenty of copies.  You can start a collection now quite reasonably, as these are slightly out of fashion: please be aware that the hardcover and paperback editions of the same book will be slightly different, as the hardcover editions were censored to make them more acceptable to sensitive readers.  This was in the days when sensitive people didn’t buy paperbacks.

     But there were suspicious folk who questioned the authenticity of some items in his collections.  So he issued a companion series of LPs, with recordings of the actual bloopers.  (The suspicious people are still at it, though, and insist some of his recordings are actually re-enactments.  You can’t win.)

     In any case, while doing research into a set of three postcards I recently purchased for resale, I found that this series was, um, not unique.  In fact, I found there were several sets, apparently from assorted publishers, which not only used the same jokes but numbered them exactly the same way, despite other changes in border and illustration.  This set of six church bulletin bloopers has been running around together for over a century, therefore, unattributed, untraceable, and probably made up by some postcard gag writer to begin with.  (Or before: I hate to suggest this about postcard companies, but swiping jokes from jokebooks or newspaper columns was NOT unknown.)

     There are some mild variations of wording, and sometimes numbers 1 and 3 have their numeration switched, but this is the most usual numbering, beginning with the classic we have discussed in this space heretofore.

     Number 2, as far as I can tell, always includes Miss McGinniss, a young lady whose performances I have been unable to confirm online.  Groucho Marx, by the way, uses a variation of this joke in the movie Animal Crackers.

     The problem with these announcements is that they all SOUND so authentic.  The Little Mothers Club sounds exactly like something some congregation would decide to establish.

     A Protracted Meeting is a religious service which continues over a period of several days.  I have also been unable to trace Hezekiah “Peter” Inskip, though there are plenty of people named Inskip in the United States.  This adds to the seeming authenticity of the announcement, because who could make a name like this?

     We have discussed “Little Drops of Water, Little Grains of Sand” in this space before.  Church bulletins being economic when it comes to space, the title has been abbreviated (it also would have spoiled the joke to use the whole title.)  The text of this announcement has been altered in some online joke columns.  Some iconoclast changed the last line to “If some young lady will start ‘Little Drops of Water’, the congregation will join her.”  Some people cannot help tampering with the classics.

     This is the rarest of the six, as it seems to have wandered in from a university bulletin board instead of a church announcement.  Though, it is true, churches have held Philosophy classes, and the sciences WERE once included under that heading.  Also, our language has changed a little, and the joke needs footnoting.  Unless you have done a lot of reading in the pages of elderly books, you may not know that “Physic” was a word used for “Laxative”. So bringing paper…okay, you figured that one out.

     Now, the fact that postcard companies seized on these gags and perpetuated them does not mean the original blooper never happened.  If I have shown disrespect to Miss McGinnis or the Rev. Inskip by assuming they never existed, I apologize.  If I have added to their infamy by repeating really old bloopers, well, that’s just the way it goes.

Screen Scrooges: Something Is Coming

Stave Two: The First of the Three Spirits

     When Scrooge awoke, it was so dark, that looking out of bed, he could scarcely distinguish the transparent window from the opaque walls of his chamber.  He was endeavoring to pierce the darkness with his ferret eyes, when the chimes of a neighboring clock struck the four quarters.  So he waited for the hour.

     To his great astonishment, the heavy bell went on from six to seven, and from seven to eight, and regularly up to twelve, then stopped.  Twelve!  It was past two when he went to bed.  The clock was wrong.  An icicle must have got into the works.  Twelve!

     He touched the spring of his repeater, to correct this most preposterous clock.  Its rapid little pulse beat twelve, and stopped.

     “Why, it isn’t possible,” said Scrooge, “that I can have slept through a whole day and far into another night.  It isn’t possible that something has happened to the sun, and this is twelve at noon!”

     The idea being an alarming one, he scrambled out of bed, and groped his way to the window.  He was obliged to rub the frost off with the sleeve of his dressing-gown before he could see anything; and could see very little then.  All he could make out was, that it was still very foggy and extremely cold, and that there was no noise of people running to and fro, and making a great stir, as there unquestionably would have been if night had beaten off bright day, and taken possession of the world.  This was a great relief, because “three days after sight of this First of Exchange pay to Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge on his order,” and so forth, would have become a mere United States’ security if there were no days to count by.

     Scrooge went to bed again, and thought, and thought, and thought it over and over and over, and could make nothing of it.  The more he thought, the more perplexed he was; and the more he endeavoured not to think, the more he thought.  Marley’s Ghost bothered him exceedingly.  Every time he resolved within himself, after mature inquiry, that it was all a dream, his mind flew back again, like a strong spring released, to its first position, and presented the same problem to be worked all through, “Was it a dream or not?”

     Scrooge ay in this state until the chimes had gone three quarters more, when he remembered, on a sudden, that the Ghost had warned him of a visitation when the bell tolled one.  He resolved to lie awake until the hour was passed; and, considering that he could no more go to sleep than go to Heaven, this was perhaps the wisest resolution in his power.

     The quarter was so long, that he was more than once convinced he must have sunk into a doze unconsciously, and missed the clock.  At length it broke upon his listening ear.

     “Ding, dong!”

     “A quarter past,” said Scrooge, counting.

      :Ding, dong!”

     “Half past,” said Scrooge.

     “Ding, dong!”

     “A quarter to it,” said Scrooge.

     “Ding, dong!”

     “The hour itself,” said Scrooge, triumphantly, “and nothing else!”

     He spoke before the hour bel sounded, which it now did with a deep, dull, hollow, melancholy ONE.  Lights flashed up in the room upon the instant, and the curtains of his bed were drawn.

     Most of this is not to be found in screen Carols, not until the clock strikes one.  It’s a matter of timing, literally: if you’ve rearranged the time Scrooge goes to bed, you can’t have him getting all upset because twenty-two hours have slipped by.  (Furthermore, he lies there thinking about it for an hour: how do you film THAT?)  A clock striking one and a worried murmur from our host s about as far as this goes.  We want to get on with the GHOSTS.

     In Hicks, we watch a lamplighter putting out the streetlights.  Scrooge reaches for something in his sleep.  The night watchman calls “Twelve o’clock and all’s well!”  Scrooge wakes; a light can be seen at the parting of the bedcurtains.  Something materializes within this.

     Owen’s mantel clock strikes; the candle dies.  Scrooge peers out from under the covers and checks his watch.  “Humbug!”  The clock chimes one; there is sudden light, and the curtains jerk aside by themselves.  Scrooge stares.

     Sim I has a clock striking, and the room filling with light.  Scrooge’s eyes slide to the right; the bedcurtains here slide aside of their own accord.

      March lies restlessly in bed, listening.  :And now, the hour itself.  One o’clock.  I’ve only slept a few minutes…or else most of the day.”  This is the only reference in these films to Scrooge’s concern about whether it is day or night, and it doesn’t seem to bother him much.  He rolls over.

     Magoo’s clock goes crazy.  Scrooge starts when it strikes one, and grumbles about being unable to sleep.

     Haddrick hears a clock striking outdoors; a clock within the room confirms the hour.  “One o’clock?” he says.  “And no ghost?  I must have dreamed up Marley.”  He turns to his right and stares in horror.

     An overhead shot shows us Sim II in  bed.  As he wakes with a start, the narrator explains that Scrooge awoke and the room filled with light.  A hand moves the bedcurtains from outside.

     Finney is just settling into bed when the clock strikes one.  The sound shocks him, and he checks his own clock to verify the time.  There is a clatter; he raises his eyes to a visitor.

     McDuck snores gustily.  We see him through the eyes of the Spirit, who bounds into the room, jumps to the bedside table, all of which suggests something small has arrived.  We watch him light the candle and then smack the bell of the alarm clock with the handle of his umbrella.

     A clock in the tower strikes one, and the watch in the stand by Scott’s bed (a “repeater” like the one in the text) reinforces this by playing a little of the theme song.  Scrooge is apprehensive.  “One!  What was it Marley said?”  He looks around.  “Nothing!  Just a dream.”  A wind rises, followed by a twinkling light, and suddenly his visitor is there.

     We see Caine in an overhead shot; he is sleeping on top of his covers, still in his dressing gown.  The mechanical clock on his mantel strikes one, he opens his eyes, and his candle goes out.  Dickens, outdoors, rises to declaim, “Expect the first Ghost when the clock strikes one!”  Scrooge’s room is flooded with light.

     The clock of Curry’s mantel strikes one.  The window curtains are blowen by wind.  There is thunder and a small explosion.  Scrooge sleeps through all of this, and has to be wakened by a ghost with a diabolical cackle, who tickles his face with a sprig of holly.

     Stewart, lying on his bed, still in his dressing gown, newspaper to one side, actually performs the whole “quarter past” sequence.  “The hour itself, and nothing’s happened.”  Then the clock strikes one, and light streams in.  He gasps in horror.  A hand parts the bedcurtains.

Fiction Supplement: Trick Support

It took Tannol a moment to realize that the staircase which had suddenly appeared would be a perfect defense against enemies with wheel barrows.

“No!”  For the third time since crawling into the ancient burial mound, he slapped the wand against his palm.  The thin wooden rod creaked but of course could not break.  Tucking the recalcitrant rod into his collar, the sorcerer unrolled the rope ladder.  He would climb down the well shaft in the old barrow without the help of the wand.  Maybe it had been thrown off by the eldritch mirror at the entrance; once he was at the bottom, he would be out of reach and the wand would be back to its normal power.

            He hoped so.  His pack held a minimum of amulets and powders.  If Trunruh appeared, speed would be the only solution, and the wand was quicker.  A mental command, a reminder to the wand of the spell he wanted, and his learning and skill would confound the ancient archmage.

            He counted the rungs carefully.  At the proper distance, his toes extended down to touch the floor.  The stones were damp but he could feel the pattern carved into them to guide a knowing visitor on the only safe way to the inner chamber.

            Now he counted the stones as he passed over them, his path lit only by his birthstone belt buckle, which glowed in the presence of evil.  It was bright enough now to show him some of the traps he was avoiding, and what remained of less learned intruders.  He preferred to keep his eyes on the stones, muttering, “Step on a crack, break….”

In moments the door stood before him.  A parchment roll was pinned open on it, lettered in the alphabet Trunruh favored.  The words were large and commanding, but he had no idea what they said beyond a general feeling that it would not be, “Welcome.”

He drew his wand and pointed it at the letters.  A red squirrel appeared at the end of the magic rod, regarding the words with widening eyes.  Releasing a squeak, it leapt down and disappeared into the darkness toward the rope ladder.

“No!” growled Tannol.  “Read Scroll!  Not Read Squirrel!”  He shoved through the doorway.  Probably just a basic “Go away or die!” message, anyhow: the sort of thing dead mages put on their tombs.

He wished he’d read it all the same when, after three steps inside, the puddles underfoot froze.  His buckle shone the brighter, and sparks began to dance before his eyes in the suddenly frigid air.  These multiplied, rising into the tall, unlikely figure of the long-dead Trunruh, with icicles as a beard and spinning silver discs for eyes

“Have you come to consult me on the spells of Creeping Darkness?”  An echoing voice mocked him, knowing the answer.  “Are you here to inquire after the facts of my career?”  Also the wrong answer.  The voice hardened.  “Or have you braved the dangers of the path merely to steal the instrument with which I summoned my howling demons, the Terror Tambour?”

That tambourine of unicorn hide was exactly what Tannol had come for, and he knew from his reading lying about this would do no good.  “That instrument is a danger as long as it lies here unclaimed.  It must be destroyed!  I have powerful defenses against you and your sorcerous ilk!”  He swung the wand.

Both he and Trunruh stared at the kitten.  Tannol snarled, “No, not against a saucer of milk!”.

This had quite the wrong effect on the dead archmage, who laughed and shouted, “Come to me, Steed of Darkness!”

The birthstone belt buckle was up to the challenge.  As the pool of shadow in the air formed itself into a vague horse shape, Tannol put a hand to his buckle.  A bolt of light shot out to dispel the threat.

“Ha!: he cried.  Raising his wand, he added, with a confidence he did not feel.  “I know spells to command the elements!”

A rumble shook the cold, dank room.  “No!  No!” he shouted, shaking the wand.  “Not elephants!”

“What?”  Trunruh had, at least, not been expecting elephants.  The silver eyes spun right and left.  Seizing this chance, Tannol  swung the wand again, commanding it to bring the tambourine from its hiding place.

For his part, he had not expected Trunruh to have that many tangerines.

“Pah!” Trunruh bellowed.  “You are not worthy of my time!”

This was worse than being mocked by his spellcasting professor.  Tannol raised his wand again to reply.  But now water was gushing from the walls.

“Just die,” said the archmage.  “This is ice water.  If you fancy yourself a swimmer, you will succumb to the cold before you can do anything else.”

Trunruh vanished.  So did Tannol’s interest in the tambourine.  The time to fight had ended and the exit was his only hope.  The water was cold, and rising fast.  Perhaps, he thought, raising the wand as he turned to run, a miniature dam….

“I am the Minotaur, damned for eternity,” roared a voice from the expanding darkness.  “Why have you summoned me from Hades?”

At length, Tannol crawled from the barrow, which vanished behind him.  Four years he had taken ferreting out the spells and powders that would render it visible.  At least a year would be required to fetch ingredients, most of it another trip up the slopes of Mount Sorrow for the gray roses, if he wanted to try it again.

However, having drowned a minotaur, climbed a rope ladder with freezing fingers, and smacked down a squirrel and kitten looking for their elephant friends, he had no thought of the barrow and the Terror Tambour.  He had his life, his wand, and a new mission: to get home and get answers.

Karrow was waiting for him at the door.  “Hey!” called his fellow sorcerer.  “How’d the wand work after I installed Spell-Check?”

More Research Needed

     It has been a while since we considered postcard gags helped by historical background, and as I have recently been stumped by a couple, I figured it was time to bring up the matter again.  Spoiler Alert: for once, I think I have no postcards to show you which are based on Bert Williams records.  He’ll be back.

     Some of the background will not materially affect your appreciation of the joke.  The postcard at the top of today’s adventure is perfectly comprehensible even if you don’t know that once upon a time you had to get someone’s phone number by calling the operator and requesting “Information, please”.  This phrase in turn became the name of a wildly popular game show where the audience would send in trivia questions in hopes of bewildering a panel of experts, who acquired a reputation for omniscience.  Guest panelists, I am told, included Dorothy parker and Boris Karloff, which provokes all sorts of questions I’d like more information about.

     This gag was omnipresent in the first generation after the invention of the automobile, and is not necessarily enhanced by knowing that the truck company that put it out was a leader in inventing multi-purpose vehicles: cars, for example, which could be converted into trucks, ad is now considered one of the rarest of American motor companies as, despite having produced vehicles for over a decade, only forty or fifty of these still exist.  Horses are still in the majority.

     The older members of the audience may not need to be told that in ancient times when you took a photograph, it had to be DEVELOPED, and what you got first was a NEGATIVE.  So….  And no, I don’t know whether the odd proportions of the people here are part of an individual style or a reflection of the fact that a lot of artists who might have been doing postcards had been drafted to serve in World War II.

     This gag, besides expecting you to be familiar with the song known by this title, relies on you understanding that this is a parent feeding a baby in the middle of the night.  Few of us now dress our tots in these long nightgowns, and this particular design of baby bottle disappeared long ago.  I am tired of seeing listings of postcards which describe this as enema equipment.  The baby bottle once operated on a similar principle: if you get the liquid running fast enough down the tube and aim it at the sweet spot at the back of the throat, Baby will have to swallow what’s coming down whether it’s apple juice or rhubarb extract.  Of course, if you miss that spot, you’re going to have a choking, irritated infant, and…yeah, we gave up on that technology.

     Certain towns and resorts have been famous (infamous) as Presidential retreats: San Clemente, Kennebunkport, Mar-a-Lago are just soe from my own time.  This one came out in a day when EVERYONE knew Teddy Roosevelt would retreat to Oyster Bay when he wanted to get away from the White House.  If you know that, then you see where we’re going with this gag.

     Here’s one of my stumpers for the week.  This slang expression appears on other cards, and seems to mean the person is a mover and shaker in society and/or business (the joke is one of contrast.)  But I have searched the Interwebs in vain for any confirmation of the phrase to no avail.  Maybe the expression faded too quickly; “push”, by the 1920s, was used to mean drive, motivation, the need to exceed, and has pretty much stuck to that since

     But this gag is the most devastating of my research failures.  All I could turn up was another postcard of roughly the same era in which a mixed quartet sings “How dear to our hearts are the beans of OLD Boston”.  This parodies the opening line of “The Old Oaken Bucket”, a song standard for more than a century (with an interesting history of its own, as the melody was composed for an entirely different song, and….)  Anyway, after mocking the line “How dear to this heart are the scenes of my childhood”, the song MUST have gone on.  Something about beans seems to inspire music (wait, let me…no, let’s pretend that didn’t happen.)  But I cannot find anyone anywhere who mentions the rest of the lyrics.  Half a dozen songs exist about beans and Boston, and googling the phrase “Boston baked beans” will turn up almost as many songs as recipes.  And there are several parodies of The Old oaken Bucket extant (one about the unhygienic nature of wells and buckets and another by the mighty Nat Wills about what happened when he bent to drink from the bucket and exposed the red patch on his pants to a bull in the field.)  And yet, in a medium where you can find multitudes chiming in on the proper lyrics for “The Eensy-Weensy Spider”, the Beans of Our Boston have eluded notice.

     I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.  I’ll keep you posted.

Screen Scrooges: The Wandering Spirits

     The apparition walked backward from him; and at every step it took. The window raised itself a little, so that when the spectre reached it, it was wide open.  It beckoned Scrooge to approach, which he did.  When they were within two paces of each other, Marley’s ghost held up its hand, warning him to come no nearer.  Scrooge stopped.

     Not so much in obedience, as in surprise and fear: for on the raising of the hand, he became sensible of confused noises in the air; incoherent sounds of lamentation and regret; wailings inexpressibly sorrowful and self-accusatory.  The spectre, after listening for a moment, joined in the mournful dirge; and floated out upon the bleak, dark night.

     Scrooge followed to the window: desperate in his curiosity, he looked out.

     The air filled with phantoms, wandering hither and thither in restless haste, and moaning as they went.  Every one of them wore chains like Marley’s Ghost; some few (they might be guilty governments) were linked together; none were free.  Many had been personally known to Scrooge in their lives.  He had been quite familiar with one old ghost, in a white waistcoat, with a monstrous iron safe attached to its ankle, who cried piteously at being unable to assist a wretched woman with an infant, whom it saw below, upon a door-step.  The misery with them all was, clearly, that they sought to interfere, for good, in human matters, and had lost the power forever.

     Whether these creatures faded into mist, or mist enshrouded them, he could not tell.  But they and their spirit voices faded together; And the night became as it had been when he walked home.

     Scrooge closed the window, and examined the door by which the Ghost had entered.  It was double-locked, as he had locked it with his own hands, and the bolts were undisturbed.  He tried to say “Humbug!” but stopped on the first syllable.  And being, from the emotion he had undergone, or the fatigues of the day, or his glimpse of the Invisible World, or the dull conversation of the Ghost, or the lateness of the hour, much in need of repose; went straight to bed, without undressing, and fell asleep upon the instant.

     So Scrooge and Marley are hardly unique: plenty of businessmen (and Dickens unsubtly hints, politicians) have the same problem afterlives.  There seems to be no definite tradition on how to render this passage.  That wretched woman and infant (often a beggar spurned by Scrooge on his way home) frequently appears as well.  Scrooge’s response to it all is generally uniform as well: he’ll wind up in bed with the bedcurtains drawn and the blankets over his head.

     About half these versions omit the wandering ghosts.

     Hicks sees no spirits (and WE haven’t even seen Marley, of course).  He seems terrified at Marley’s departure, and runs after the Spirit only he can see, crying “Marley! Marley!”  He looks out the opened window into a thundering snowstorm, but doesn’t find his old partner.  Turning away with a “Bah, hum….” He jumps as the window slams down.  When he looks outside again, there is no storm.

      Owen’s Marley simply vanishes.  Scrooge closes the window curtains, jumps into bed, and draws the bedcurtains.

     March’s Marley begins to turn transparent, bewailing his fate.  He regards his account book with revulsion, and throws it from him just before going fully invisible.  A dirge from unseen voices upsets Scrooge, who moves about the room as if seeking the sources of the sound.  He finally collapses in a corner.  Rising later, he realizes he has simply had a nightmare when he dozed off, and declares it all to be humbug.  On his way toward his bed, he trips over the account book Marley threw on the floor, shrieks, leaps into bed, and draws the curtains.

     Rathbone simply waves bye-bye and Marley vanishes.  In a sudden panic, Scrooge leaps up to check the locks on the door.  “Humbug!” he declares, and burps.  “A slight disorder of the stomach.”

     Haddrick’s Marley delivers the “Look to see me no more” speech and vanishes.  Growling “Bah! Humbug!” Scrooge toddles off to bed, apparently unabashed.

     McDuck, who seems to be the only Scrooge looking forward to the three spirits coming to do him a favor, watches Marley retreat carefully past the cane that tripped him up at first.  As the Ghost vanishes through the door, Scrooge recalls that loose floorboard, and warns Marley too late.  Giving the traditional Goofy-falling-into-disaster cry, Marley departs from our story forever.  Scrooge, dressed for bed now, searches his room and goes to bed growling “Spirits!  Humbug!”

     Scott’s Marley backs to the window.  “Look to see me no more!  Look that you may remember what has passed between us.”  The Ghost’s mouth closes with a click.  The window shoots up, and Marley vanishes into a sky filled with wailing and screaming.  When Scrooge reaches the window, he sees only his lonely lane.  “Humbug!”  He examines the locks, and is puzzled by them.  He finally concludes, shaking his head, “Something I et.”

     Caine’s Marley Brothers vanish behind the railing whence they came.  The fireplace relights itself.  Scrooge looks around as, below and outside, Dickens and Rizzo tell us the rest of the scene.  Scrooge gets into bed, draws the curtains, and growls “Bah!  Humbug!”

     Other versions show us the wandering spirits; a few make much of them.

     Marley tells Sim I “Look to see me no more.”  The window shoots up.  “But look here, so you may remember for your own sake what has passed between us.”  Scrooge, proving he can grovel and run at the same time, hurries up to Marley.  At the window he can see a circle of transparent chained figures “lamenting” around a starving woman and child.  (They are sort of wailing and waving their arms as a chorus.)  Scrooge asks why they lament, and is told about trying to interfere for good in the affairs of humankind.  Marley then vanishes, only to reappear among the lamenters.  Scrooge, horrified, covers his ears.  He runs sobbing to bed, pulls the curtains, and draws the covers up over his head.

     Magoo follows the wailing Marley to the window.  Earlier, he saw hapless ghosts, well-dressed men burdened with chains, wailing on the wind; now he sees only snow.  Putting out one hand, he catches some of the falling snow in his hand, peers at it, and declares “Humbug!”  Theorizing that he dozed off and had a nightmare, he retreats to bed, pulls the covers over his head, and, trembling violently, emits one more querulous “Humbug!”

     Sim II’s Marley backs to the window, closing his dangling mouth with a click.  Wailing, he is sucked out into the night.  The narrator tells us that the air is filled with moaning phantoms; we see faces gaunt with despair, and long, fleshless hands being extended to a freezing woman.  The narrator explains about them lacking the power to interfere for good in human matters.  The vision utterly devastates Scrooge, who slams the windows, runs to bed, leaps in, and closes the curtains.

     Finney is taken on a wild ride through the skies, where Marley sings to him about the disfigured corpselike figures he sees around him.  Later (as explained previously) when Marley is reunited with Scrooge, Marley backs out to the door through which he entered, using the same shambling gait.  Just before the door closes behind him, one ghostly hand comes back into the room to wave.  “Farewell, Scrooge!”  Scrooge runs to look, and finds the door closed and locked.  “Three ghosts?  Ha!  Three humbugs!”  He goes to bed, pursuing his usual routine: hiding his pocket watch in a secret spot beneath the chamberpot, transferring something else from a coin purse to a pouch he wears around his neck.  He seems unmoved by the whole episode.

     Matthau’s Marley vanishes but reappears at the window, which has opened of itself.  He beckons to Scrooge, who shakes his head vehemently.  Marley beckons again, and Scrooge is lifted from his bed and brought to the window.  Marley shows him the suffering spirits below, all well-dressed men hung with chains.  “And I must with them.  Observe and know our misery, O Scrooge: how we seek to do good in human matters but have lost the power forever.”  The ghosts, who stand in rows and all look kind of like Marley, call “Repent!’  Scrooge replies, “No! No!”  He shuts the window, leaps back into bed, and yanks the bedcurtains shut.  B.A.H. Humbug looks out and sees that the ghosts are gone.

     Curry’s vision is of two ghosts trying to give food to a freezing woman.  “When we are dead,” Marley tells him, “We can no longer do any earthly good.”  Marley vanishes in flame.  Scrooge looks for him under the bed, thumps the floor, and cries “No ghosts!”  Debit licks his face and receives a “Bah humbug!” as reward.

     Stewart’s Marley, saying “Look to see me no more, and, for your own sake, remember what has passed between us,” walks to the window.  The shutters fold open on their own, and the sash rises.  Marley points outside, his expression one of “See? I told you!”  Scrooge steps to the window to see white transparent figures sailing throughout the night sky.  One white-haired man encumbered by a safe reaches imploringly toward a freezing woman and child.  “These spirits try to interfere for good in human affairs but have lost the power forever.  That is the curse we bear.”  Scrooge looks as if he is being forced against his will to take all this seriously, but Marley has moved on.  Scrooge slams the shutters without closing the window, and sets his back against them, worried and confused.