There didn’t seem to be any walls or floor here: only darkness. King Basso didn’t like to think what might be hiding in the dark, so he walked close behind the princesses, who were shimmering just a little, just enough to be seen.
“Of course,” he said to himself, “If I can’t see the monsters, they can’t see me, either. Perhaps I should just take off this helmet and go bravely, like a King. I slew a dragon; I don’t have to slink around as if I was scared. I am a very brave man.”
He reached to pull his sword out of the sheath, and tripped on the hem of his robe. “Too brave to concern myself with what a lot of cowardly monsters creeping around in the dark think of me. I’m brave enough to stay invisible, and let them think what they want.”
The sword just would not come out of the sheath at all. King Basso swallowed hard. “Of course, I rode my horse to go fight the dragon. Maybe I’d feel better if I went back and got my horse.”
But now he saw a little light shining ahead, coming out of what seemed to be doorway. A tiny man stepped out as the princesses approached. He had no hair, and wore nothing but a tiny pair of pink breeks.
“They’re coming!” he shouted, and skiddled back through the door.
The five princes walked through the door. King Basso followed right behind them. Surely there was no need to fear such a tiny man.
The giant was a complete surprise to him. She was twice as tall as King Basso, with long red hair and a red beard that went right to the ground. A big cauldron full of some steaming potion stood next to her. Each princess stepped up to this cauldron in turn, and the giant splashed a ladleful of potion over each princess’s head. After the splash, each princess’s beard and mustache grew and spread. Even Princess Darling, who had a hood on her nightgown, turned hairy as the potion went right through the thin cloth.
Meanwhile, the tiny man was jumping around the cauldron, looking at the princesses and then at the door. He didn’t seem to find what he wanted.
Finally, he said, “I don’t see a prince with them tonight, Wife.”
The giant woman scratched her forehead with the spoon. “Is it Sunday, then?”
“I thought this was Monday,” the little man said. “But it could be Sunday, to be sure. Perhaps I lost track, Wife. Never mind. We don’t need another cheese board anyhow. How I wish you could turn those princes into something useful!”
Looking beyond the mismatched pair, King Basso saw that what he had thought was the wall of the room was a large stack of cheap cheese trays. “Well now,” said the giant. “I have to start with something useful if I’m to make something useful out of it. Never mind. Next time we get invited to a party we ca give them away as Christmas presents.”
The little man jumped back. “Wife, we haven’t been invited to a HCristmas party in two hundred and twenty-two years!”
She snorted. “We will be, once we’re king and queen.”
“Hush up out there!” someone shouted. “We’re playin’ cards!”
“Yeah! And if yer gonna talk about cheese, bring us some! We’re hungry!”
The little man jumped over next to the giant, and jerked a thumb at the cheese trays. “I wish we hadn’t traded our daughters for those princesses when they were born,” he whispered. “I don’t know if I’m as much of a genius as it seemed at the time.”
“It can’t be much longer now,” the giant whispered, glancing at the cheese trays. “Surely a prince strong enough to break our spells will show up soon, and take them all back where they belong. They’ll make everyone out there as miserable as they make us, and spend so much of the old king’s money that his government will collapse. Then we can take over.”
The princesses with their long beards had turned to walk back through the door. King Basso stood where he was, watching them. Could it be true that his real daughters had been stolen away after birth, and replaced with the children of the hairy giant and her little husband? Je didn’t follow the princesses as they left, instead following the little man, who was skittering around the stack of cheese trays.
Five golden-haired women sat around a little card table. Their tresses were tangled, their faces were dirty, and their greasy robes hung open. Each had a glass of something green to drink, and each was smoking a long black cigarette.
“This is warm!” said one, throwing all the juice in her glass over the little man. “Get me a cold one!”
The others also tossed their beverages at him. “Yeah!” said the one with a big brown smudge on her forehead. “How come you never has any ice cubes in this dump?” She dropped her glass on the floor. When the little man bent to pick it up, she kicked him. This made her laugh so hard she never noticed one of her sisters was stealing cards from her hand.
King Basso backed away from the card table, wishing these women didn’t look quite so much like him, or, worse, Queen Azalea. What a good thing HIS daughters didn’t act like…. Whose daughters?
He was so sick at heart that he didn’t pay attention to where he was walking. When he bumped into the stack of cheese trays, one fell off.
“Ha!” said the little man. “I thought it was Monday! Wife, it’s another one of those princes with a helmet of invisibility!”
The king ran around the stack of trays, but the giant was waiting for him. “Got you!” she cried, as he thudded against one big arm. “You might as well give up!”
King Basso agreed. He reached up and took off his helmet.
“Goodness gracious!” The little man stepped over and picked up the fallen cheese tray. “Are you a prince?”
“Oh, no,” said King Basso, and this was true, of course. He went on, “The King never sends a prince down on Sundays.” This was true, too, although it was, of course, really Monday.
“What shall we do with him then, Wife?” asked the little man.
The giant shook the king. “Is your name Jack? Boys named Jack can be terrible nuisances even when they aren’t princes.”
“N-no, Ma’am,” said the King, as well as he could while being shaken. “M-m-my n-name is not-not Jack.”
“Well, Not Not Jack,” she said, shaking him some more, “What are you doing around here?”
“J-j-just looking around, Ma’am,” said the King.
She gave him another good shake. “Well, shall I make you into stew, or throw you to those five yonder?”
“Just keep quiet!” screamed a voice from the other side of the cheese tray wall. Another voice burped, and then all of the voices brayed with laughter.
“Wait, Wife,” whispered the little man. “We should let him go. See how old he is? Obviously, this is that quaint old codger who tells the good prince how to come down and break all the spells. If we tell him the secret and let him go, some Prince Jack or another will come down, rescue those girls, and allow OUR daughters to come back down here. Until we win, of course, and live in the castle.”
“I think you have the right of it, Husband.” The giant set King Basso down. “You may go, little old codger.”
King Basso was not so little, not so old, and didn’t even know how to codge. But he decided not to complain. The giant’s little husband shook a finger at him. “But don’t you dare tell any prince how you got down here. And you’d better not tell him that a silver hammer would break our cauldron of beauty potion here or that sticking us with silver pins will force us to tell a terrible secret we’ve kept since the princesses were born.” He winked at the king.
“I won’t tell,” said King Basso.
“I bet,” said the giant. With that, she picked him up and threw him at the door. King Basso sailed through the darkness until he landed with a plop in the big armchair in the princesses’ bedroom. He sat there through the rest of the night without once going to sleep.
As the sun came up, he heard a voice cry, “I have a beard again!”
“Oh no!” came another voice. “Then where’s Daddy?”
The curtains were pushed back on the beds, and five women pushed up their shaggy eyebrows so they could look at the leather armchair.
“Daddy!” Screaming, they ran across the room to throw their arms around him. “You’re still here! Are you okay? What happened? What did you see?”
Queen Azalea came into the room just at that moment. She, too, seemed glad to see that the King had not disappeared, but frowned.
“If you haven’t disappeared and you’re all right,” she said, “Why do our daughters still have all their hair? Did you fall asleep and miss the whole thing?”
When the queen said “our daughters”, the king frowned too. He stood up, burdened still by hugs. “Is breakfast ready?”
“But what did you see?” his daughters demanded. “What happened? Did you fix everything?”
The king reached out as if to take Princess Dainty’s hand, but then he didn’t. “Not yet,” he said. “I’ll fix everything tonight.”
“You know how?” the queen demanded.
“Yes,” said the king. “Tell the Royal Chamberlain I need a silver hammer, about fourteen silver pins or nails, and five bananas. We shan’t be needing any princes. Now let’s all have breakfast.”
All day long, everyone in the palace wondered what the king meant to do. Naturally, the queen and the princesses wondered loudest, asking a lot of questions. But he wouldn’t tell them, not even when it was bedtime.
“Oh please,” said Princess Delicate, “Can’t you give us a hint?”
“He saw fourteen hair fairies, I bet,” said Princess Demure. “And he’s going to nail their wings to the ceiling so they can’t bother us.”
“Then what are the bananas for?” said Princess Dainty.
“Huh!” said the king. “I suppose you never got hungry and wanted a snack during the night.”
“Oh, Daddy!” said Princess Dainty, and threw her pillow at him.
At last the princesses climbed into their beds and pulled the curtains around them. King Basso sat up in the leather armchair with all the things he had requested. He calmly peeled and ate all the bananas, to the surprise of the princesses, who kept peeking out to see what he was doing.
The big bedroom grew dark and silent. King Basso, who hadn’t had much sleep during the day, was wondering whether he had time for a quick nap when he heard the jingling sound again. He grabbed up his silver hammer and all the nails.
Thump! Princess Delightful, walking in her sleep, had stepped on a banana peel the king had thrown on the floor. There were four more thumps as four more princesses rose from their beds and then sat down hard. This did not wake them up, but it did slow them down. They tried to rise, but slid again and again on the banana peels slipping out from their sisters’ feet. Not one of them could reach the magic door that was slowly opening.
King Basso leapt from the armchair and, tripping no more than once, threw himself against the door to shut it. Then he took his silver hammer and began to nail the door shut. He had just pounded in the fourth silver nail when he felt someone pounding back from the other side.
“He’s using silver nails, Husband!” he heard the giant shout. “I can’t make it open!”
“You’ll never open it again,” growled King Basso, proceeding with his carpentry. He did feel just a little sorry for all the princes, who would have to be cheese trays forever now, but he couldn’t have the coming back out to tell just everyone about the giant’s children.
“Maybe in a hundred years or so a lad named Jack will go down and free them,” he said to himself. “There are too many princes anyhow. I’d never get any pie.”
The magic door, shut for good, was never seen again. King Basso never did explain what he’d done, but everyone could tell he’d done something. The princesses still had great quantities of red hair, but without the magic potion being splashed on them, it grew no faster than normal hair. Princess Delicate and Princess Delightful always shaved off their beards and mustaches, but Princess Darling braided hers. Princess Dainty sported a sweet little mustache, while Princess Demure kept just her sideburns. Society women went out and bought false beards and mustaches so they could look as lovely as the princesses. No one ever guessed the true reason the princesses grew so much hair.
The princesses won the volleyball tournament again that year. At the big victory feast, King Basso ate nine pieces of sweet potato pie, and led the crowd in three cheers for each princess.
“Their hair doesn’t matter so much, I suppose, now that the curse or whatever it was is broken,” said Queen Azalea. “Everybody in the country seems to love them.”
“Of course,” said King Basso, helping himself to another piece of pie. “MY daughters have been very well brought up.”
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