To be frank, I find it easier to believe that the world is painted on the inside of a massive cosmic eggshell than that, once upon a time, a bunch of devious authorities got together and decided “Let’s tell them the world is a slightly flattened sphere and see how long we can fake them out.” The “What” of your really good conspiracy theory never bothers me nearly as much as the “How” and “Why”.
When I was younger, my potential as a scam artist was hampered by something of that same philosophy. I would get halfway through convincing someone that I was excused from P.E. on rope climbing day, and the other side of my brain would kick in, saying “They’re not really buying this, are they? Better tell ‘em it’s not so.” So I never quite polished by skill at bald-faced lying. (I never got more than about three feet up that rope, either.)
But I am missing out on a major source of income. So I am giving up this namby pamby insistence of truth or even probability, and let loose my own flock of conspiracy theories. If I get enough comments of “Yeah, baby, tell it like it is!”, I will expand these into bestsellers filled with footnotes and True Facts. (And also mark down my demographic as Sixties survivors suffering from serious flashback issues.)
Let us begin with what I call the Historical Conspiracy. This is the kind which explains that what you think you know about some bygone event is all fakery. I could tackle the belief that the Vatican, for reasons not clear to me, adjusted the calendar by a century or so and 112 years of our “history” never really happened, or that the Titanic was sunk on purpose to kill a particular passenger, but let’s start with something easy. Conspiracy Theories 101 should open with assassinations, and, by modern preference, the assassination of John F. Kennedy.
I have not done an exhaustive search of the literature (I’m not sure that’s even possible at this point) but among all the conspiracies about who REALLY shot JFK (Lyndon Johnson, a Castro agent, an Onassis agent, or a friend of JFK himself as an elaborate suicide), I find one obvious assassin who never gets the credit.
Marilyn Monroe.
Yes, Marilyn herself was…what? Marilyn Monroe died the previous year? Don’t listen to the Mainstream Historians, Junior. Haven’t you looked over the conspiracy theories about HER death? Haven’t you read the True Facts that Marilyn was murdered by the CIA and/or FBI to protect the Kennedy administration from what she might have said about the Kennedy sex lives? Have YOU never wondered about that? WHY would the FBI and/or CIA commit a murder to save JFK’s reputation when we KNOW from other conspiracy theories that they were planning to knock him off next? Well, if you use that part of your brain specially prepared for True Facts, you will understand at once.
Marilyn Monroe did NOT die in 1962. The body buried was that of a spare blonde starlet, something California was riddled with. Marilyn was spirited away so she could hang out in Dallas until JFK rode by. Proof? Ha ha. Look how often Marilyn was photographed wearing a headscarf. Do you need more proof than that?
Yes, the Babushka Lady, that woman with the camera who was wearing a headscarf on a warm Dallas day, and who has never been identified…that was MM herself, waiting to do her job and then be whisked away to a safe house until needed for another assassination. Proof Positive. So….
Hmmmm? Is there any evidence that Marilyn was that good a shot? Could she have fired a gun hidden inside a camera from that angle and hit a moving target? Listen, I can’t spill all my facts in one little blog.
I haven’t finished making them up yet.
Blogsy Babbles 