I have been less than perfectly successful selling these postcards as collectibles (you did note somewhere that I have these things for sale, right? It’s hard to tell, sometimes.) So, looking around for another way to make my millions, I wonder if I can sell a few movie studios on purchasing a bundle to look through for blockbuster horror movie ideas. For example, I know the drive-ins have already handled giant rabbits, in Night of the Lepus, while demonic children are all but a cliché now. But how about combining them? Sample dialogue: “Johnny? Johnny? Here did you go? And where did all these jelly beans come from?”
Has Hallmark really considered the possibilities in the new craze for romantasy novels? We know early in the picture, see, that HE is a vampire, who accidentally falls for a young lady he was planning to use as a menu item. But SHE turns out to be a dryad, a forest spirit who came to the city to save her forest grove. You understand the conflict in their relationship, right? Since she’s a nature spirit, flitting through the fields, these two have to make things work even though they work different shifts.
I don’t suppose a Hallmark slasher movie would make it, but somebody else could make a film about the lady who gets so tired of her husband reading the newspaper at the breakfast table that she finally snaps and scalds him to death with the hot coffee. She thereupon goes on a rampage against other newspaper-addicted husbands, flooding dining rooms with maple syrup or wra[pping the miscreant in hot bacon while…no, you’re right. With modern audiences we’d need to keep explaining what a newspaper is.
This is a much easier concept to sell. I don’t know whether to call the movie Puppy Chow or Soylent Kibble. Marketing tagline: “They were NOT Good Boys!”
And we can continue the canine horror theme with a movie combining the killer A.I. trope with robot dogs. Marketing tagline :”When You Really Need to Unwind”.
I don’t know WHY the mad scientist decided to create an army of robot owls. (I have to leave SOMETHING to the scriptwriters.) But I know how to go to the big finish. You do the old “Confuse the Computer By Asking an Impossible Question” ploy. In this one, the heroine realizes all she has to do is ask one of the robots how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Product placement guaranteed.
So this other mad scientist decides to solve the Childhood Obesity Epidemic with a miracle drug which he hides in sugary soft drinks to make kids lose weight. Forgetting that the problem isn’t so much weight as bulk and adipose tissue, he creates a world crisis as kids start floating away. My title for this one would be Root Beer Float.
The Bob Hope Bing Crosby Road movies were adventures with frightening moments, but were never full-scale horror movies. This would be an homage movie in which two similar characters on the Road to Henhouse would encounter giant chickens, and after an interlude in which they contemplate a world-winning fried chicken place wind up fleeing from ever larger poultry. Sample dialogue: “Don’t go in there! They’re laying for you!”
Along this line, we could do an apocalyptic movie in which radiation causes the population to start turning into chickens and…. What? Oh, right. They did that on The Muppet Show already.
We can do another post-apocalyptic thriller in which that radiation starts turning everyone into cute Dutch kids who speak a strange dialect and…. But that episode was about everyone turning SWEDISH and…. Oh, very well. It’s no fun if the Muppets have already taken all the good plots. Do you suppose Kermit collects postcards?
Blogsy Babbles 