Of course, Presidents’ Day is now a holiday for honoring Calvin Coolidge and Benjamin Harrison and other great men, but it was originally a means of saving us from the horrors of having two holidays within two weeks of each other. Those of us who lived in ancient days celebrated the birthday of Abraham Lincoln on February 12 and that of George Washington on February 22 (though HE always marked his birthday on February 11.)
These two were often held up as the ultimate in U.S. Presidents, and their pictures hung in many a one-room schoolhouse. My grandfather, who felt NO nostalgia for his old school, noted that no one ever explained to him who the people on the wall were, and always assumed this was the President of the School Board and wife (the one with the long white hair and no beard, see.) For some years, in fact, it was the custom to send cards (and postcards) to your friends on Washington’s birthday. (Lincoln was still too recent; the market for Lincoln postcards was notably low below the Mason-Dixon Line.) There were all kinds of other Lincoln/Washington merchandise: silverware, shaving mugs, school tablets, and cookbooks. (Historians have cast doubt on the chocolate cake long advertised as Abe’s favorite, but the custom of making cherry pie for George’s birthday continues to this day. That poor tree never knew how famous it would become.)
AND there were jokes. Some of these were told in the day of their subjects, and more were invented as time went by. So here is a holiday revival of your joke quiz, with some fine old jokes you should have gotten tired of by the time you were in Middle School. Punch lines, as usual, are tucked away in the ANSWERS section. Neither George nor Abe went as far as Middle School, so they can be excused for not having heard these. You get no such pass.
JOKES
J1.The amazing thing about the story of George Washington throwing a dollar across the Potomac River is
J2.An old woman in Washington D.C. was asked whether she thought the North or the South would be victorious in the war. She replied, “The Confederacy is sure to win, for Mr. Jefferson Davis is a praying man.” The questioner pointed out that Abraham Lincoln was also a praying man. She replied
J3.What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?
J4.Abraham Lincoln was walking along the street in Washington with two of his sons, who were crying and screaming. A passerby stopped and said, “What’s wrong with those two?” Lincoln sighed and said,
J5.George Washington was considered a hero for crossing the Delaware, but that was a long time ago. I’d like to see him try
J6.Legend claims that when Lincoln was a young lawyer, he was stopped on a street in Springfield by a man who drew a gun and said, “I always swore I’d shoot the first man I saw who was uglier than I am.” Lincoln looked down at him and said, “Am I uglier than you, friend?” “You are!” roared the man. Lincoln nodded.
J7.The day after Halloween, Tommy’s dad asked him, “Were you one of the boys who tipped over the outhouse last night?” Tommy looked his father in the eye and said “I cannot tell a lie, Father. I did it.” His father threw him across one knee and started to spank him, whereupon Tommy cried out, “When George Washington admitted he chopped down the cherry tree, his father didn’t whip HIM.” “True,” Dad said,
J8.Avraham Lincoln was always ready when a rival politician or opposing lawyer called him two-faced. “Not true,” he’d reply, “If
J9.Every president is asked for a forecast of what’s coming for the country, and these predictions run a little worse than fifty-fifty on coming true. But it is said that both George Washington and Abraham Lincoln assumed that one day their faces would be on our coins.
ANSWERS
A1.How much farther a dollar would go in those days
A2. “Yes, but the Lord will think Mr. Lincoln is telling a joke.”
A3.Washington has his face on a bill and a duck has a bill on its face
A4.The same thing that’s wrong with the country; I have three oranges and each boy wants two
A5.Crossing Main Street at rush hour
A6.”Then go ahead and shoot.”
A7.But George’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree at the time
A8.I had two faces would I be wearing this one? A9.And they were right on the money
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