Just got hit with a new one. Some unknown conspiracy theorist just let me know that these phone calls about choosing my medical plan are NOT coming for ORDINARY robocallers. No, no:: these are people prepared to alter the fabric of our country by moving (should you be unwise enough to use the word “yes” while talking to them) to seize your personal information and use it to alter the way you vote in any upcoming election. (Um, this wouldn’t actually….) They work for neither party but for an alien institution which is neither red nor blue, but identified by striped elbow patches they will wear when the chaos begins and a takeover is possible. (Most conspiracies are sporting enough to include clues so you can catch ‘em at it?) What you NEED to do when called by these people is simply respond “elbow patches” to every question, and this will let them know you are already a member, and they will hang up. (I believe that much, anyhow.)
Being pummeled every day with new conspiracy theories about clouds, birds, snow, microchips, and ancient societies, I thought I would check around and see if I can find one solid conspiracy theory about every President of the United States. These must be pre-existing theories: it would be fun to make something up, but that spoils the game. AND they must be, at least in the eyes of “Mainstream Historians” (as the Enemy is usually denoted) completely fake. A few have been slopping over into the realm of genuine history, and that ALSO spoils the game.
Now, GEORGE WASHINGTON is an easy target. In his position, he attracts so much attention that he gathers conspiracy theories like diners to a Washington’s Birthday cherry pie. And he was a Mason (or Freemason, as your true conspiracy theorist prefers to say), which makes matters easier. My personal favorite is that when he met with Betsy Ross about the flag for the new country, he personally dictated the design, changing several features Congress had called for, particularly, for some arcane Masonic reason, insisting that she use five-pointed stars instead of stars with six points. Research indicating George never met Betsy, or, in fact, had much of anything to do with designing the Stars and Stripes, is used by the theorists to prove that Mainstream Historians are In On It.
JOHN ADAMS was a participant in the Adams vs. Jefferson Presidential Campaign, which is one of the top ten nastiest in history. The leading tale the Jefferson folks spread about John, and which I have seen printed as fact in British textbooks, is that he was plotting, while Vice President, to marry his son, John Quincy, to Princess Charlotte of England. As the princess was the heir to the throne, this would have made his son Prince Consort and his grandson King of England. George Washington got wind of this, and paid a friendly call on John, telling him that, as a fellow member of the Federalists, he wanted John to know this betrayed not only the new independent nation but the ideals of the party. When George found out John was pursuing negotiations, he had a rather more official meeting, telling John that as President of the United States, he was ordering John to give up this treasonous idea. On hearing the proposal was still moving along, he donned his military uniform and marched over to John’s place to say that as Commander In Chief of the Armed Forces, he was going to lop John’s head off with his sword if John didn’t notify King George that the whole thing was off. The cowardly John, the story concludes, immediately caved in.
For his part, John’s people pointed out, among other things, that Thomas Jefferson was not a good, reliable Federalist, but a Democrat who was left-leaning and a freethinker in matters of religion. As a man who read Voltaire, the leading evil author of the day, Jefferson was planning, if he became President, to close all the churches and burn all the Bibles. (Jefferson read the Bible too, by the way; he in fact edited the Gospels into a single account which he felt made more sense, which at least argues a deep reading of the text.) The story is told of a Jefferson man visited by the elderly woman next door, who told him she was afraid Jefferson would win, and begged him to hide her Bible from the impending destruction. The man explained that Jefferson had no such plans, which worked about as well as any time you try to convince someone that a conspiracy theory is not true. She still pled, with tears in her eyes, that he hide her book until he said, “Anyhow, you know I support Mr. Jefferson. Why trust me with your treasure?”
She told him, “Because nobody would look for a Bible in the house of a Democrat.” (The more conspiracy theories change, the more they stay the same.)
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