Once upon a time, the story goes, a Methodist preacher was on a voyage when a horrible storm sprang up. The crew of the ship was doing its best to keep the vessel from coming to grief in the high winds, and several able-bodied passengers, including the preacher, had come on deck to help where they could. During the process, the captain bellowed out orders to some of the crew, adding a few choice words of the sort we do not use in church. The preacher stopped what he was doing and gave the captain a harsh lecture on taking the Lord’s name in vain.
The ship survived the storm, and the captain thanked the passengers who came to help, but could not help mentioning to the preacher that there might have been better times than in the middle of a crisis to criticize a man for giving in to profanity. The preacher did not agree.
“You were in the Navy during the wat,” he said. “When you were in service, was it not your responsibility to attack the enemy whenever you caught sight of him? Well, that is my duty as well.”
This was taught as a good lesson to all of us never to rest in our effort to correct the world’s course, but now, as then, I always felt the captain had a point. And I wonder when “zero tolerance” became one of our leading principles, especially over the Interwebs.
The thought came to me while pursuing the research I mentioned about a month ago, to find out what Christmas songs were being especially hated on this year. Hating things is a booming business online, so I found all manner of carol-loathing: people who hate songs for artistic reasons, people who hate retreads of earlier songs, and people who hate songs they simply hear too often. We shall skip these: you can always just wait for the next song. And some people CLAIM they hate songs just to make a point about the people who hate songs, or who hate other things. (“Don we now our gay apparel” is just going to go through that every year until the world turns around some more.) The problem with that is that someone always misses the joke, thinks you have a good point, and decides to carry on the crusade you were just joking about.
I found no single song which drew heavy fire this year, but I did run into a few solid controversies that I missed, and before this season of joy and light goes out on the day we realize we have a whole new year to deal with, I thought I might darken your days by bringing these to your notice.
GOOD KING WENCESLAUS: This song is to England what Jingle Bells is to the United States: the song which signals we are discussing Christmas, or winter, or both. But it suffers the same fate as Jingle Bells for some people: it is not ABOUT Christmas. It takes place “on the Feast of Stephen”, which is December 26. Yes, some people ARE that precise.
I’LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS: This was written to express the longings of anyone who CAN’T be home for Christmas, and was aimed at the World War II audience. Some critics at the time (and since), considered forbidding it, as it would be too depressing for people serving in the military. (Ignoring what has been understood at least since the invention of the phonograph: that the tear-jerking songs always get the most play in bars.)
HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS: We have developed separate playlists for the month of December. In some places, you never play songs about Santa Claus because this trivializes the religious nature of the holiday. In other settings, no songs about the Nativity can be played because we are going for the “winter holiday mix” which encourages people to keep shopping, without reference to religion. Well, here comes a song which notes that Santa brings us presents because he knows “we’re all God’s children”. So the zero tolerance folks on both sides of the aisle object to it.
I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS: Heavens to mistletoe, who DOESN’T object to this song? If you hear the introductory verse you learn the kid is so shocked by the experience that the story is being whispered to a Teddy bear. So we hear from the people who object to anything relating to intimate contact and the holidays (cue Santa Baby or even I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus). And then we have the ones who hate ANY pop song sung by a child singer. And then there are those like me, who simply wonder “Why am I humming THAT again?” Yes, there are those who hate songs if the tune is too catchy.
We are pout of space, so there is no time to cover Away In a Manger (which people want you to stop calling Luther’s Cradle Hymn, since he died centuries before it was written. My theory…out of room, right). Or all the anti-war Christmas songs (going back at least to the Civil War), as well as the anti-Santa songs, those folks (fewer every year) who find a drug reference in any mention of “snow”, and….
Never mind. Put your Bing Crosby and Gayla Peevey records away until next Thanksgiving, and we can learn which are evil next year. Unless my new group pushing zero tolerance of zero tolerance movements takes off, which seems unlikely. The problem is that people who join it decide if we’re boycotting zero tolerance groups then we, too, need to be boycotted. That’s the problem with people on the Interwebs: too logical.
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